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Burnt (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
A hundred dollar bill
lying on the road,
a few nano seconds for her attention,
she overlooked it.
An eye contact, with a handsome guy,
a few nano seconds and she moved forward.
Handing over the fallen toy to the two year old,
not passing back, the flying kiss.
Walkers called her frozen,
only she knew how burnt she was.

Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I like most about this, is how the writer captures a fleeting moment, it speaks of how even a moment can have a tangible and long lasting impact on someone.

For me if I’m being critical I feel like the jump from money to toy feels a little abrupt and kind of comes out from no where, I think it would benefit the piece if you tried to foreshadow this a little more.

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

What I like most about this, is how the writer captures a fleeting moment, it speaks of how even a moment can have a tangible and long lasting impact on someone.

For me if I’m being critical I feel like the jump from money to toy feels a little abrupt and kind of comes out from no where, I think it would benefit the piece if you tried to foreshadow this a little more.

Cheers

Syd

Hi Syd,

I meant to say, temptations for money, passion and empathy for the kid, in those moments, couldn't let her move away from what she was going through inside. So walkers declared her frozen, for expressions of emotions, to atleast stay a bit longer.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Hey Ritu,

What I take from this is that things are often not how they appear on the surface; there's always so much more going on. In those nano seconds, so much is happening that we just don't see. Without all the information, judgments will be wrong. Nice job!
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hey Ritu,

What I take from this is that things are often not how they appear on the surface; there's always so much more going on. In those nano seconds, so much is happening that we just don't see. Without all the information, judgments will be wrong. Nice job!

Thanks Happy.
You really took what I meant as a reader who wrote the piece.
 
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