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Bonds of Insanity (22 Words) (1 Viewer)

JellyTrigger

Senior Member
Dear fellow readers,

Just posting a short piece for critiquing, it seems a bit plain to me. :scratch:

Please review!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

"Bonds of Insanity"

Her voice was as cold as rain.

Screaming of immense pain.

Weak from our rusting chain.

I struggle to keep myself sane.
 

Pete_C

WF Veterans
First off, and this is an assumption, but this reads like you jotted it down and posted it without doing any real work.

Have you spent any significant time looking at each line and working out what you want it to say and then revising it over and over again to ensure it says what you wanted? Have you concentrated on every single word to ensure it's the right choice, the best choice, the one that evokes the inner emotion you are trying to convey? Have you used its obvious simplicity to give fleeting glimpses of the meaning, the feeling you want the reader to take from this? Have you concealed a depth of reality and honesty beneath the basic rhyme?

If the answer to any of those questions is no, then you're short-changing the reader, the critique-giver and yourself.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Dear fellow readers,

Just posting a short piece for critiquing, it seems a bit plain to me. :scratch:

Please review!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

"Bonds of Insanity"

Her voice was as cold as rain.*** A good opening line for your first stanza,
Now, why was her voice cold"
ANGER? Pain? Grief"
Tell your reader SMETHING to make
them care...

Screaming of immense pain. Good opening line for stanza 2
What caused her pain?
Why? Don't forget, imagery is
a wonderful tool
it helps set the mood ;)


Weak from our rusting chain.
What rusted the chain?
Lies? Betrayal ??
Each line you have is "Telling your reader"
use imagery to "show"


I struggle to keep myself sane.*** Fabulous end line!

You have the bones.... now flesh it out... ;)
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Dear fellow readers,

Just posting a short piece for critiquing, it seems a bit plain to me. :scratch:

Please review!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer


Bonds of Insanity


Her voice was as cold as rain.

Screaming of immense pain.

Weak from our rusting chain.

I struggle to keep myself sane.


Hi, JT. It's good to see you posting again. This poem feels like a lament about a relationship that is not working for either party? I think it's a little too wordy - even though there are only 22 words. ;) How about cutting it down a little, like this...


Bonds of Insanity


Her voice as cold as rain.

Screaming pain.

Weak from our rusting chain.

Struggling to stay sane.



I love the title, by the way.

jen
 

Pete_C

WF Veterans
Don't most folks jot down words first, and work with them to build the "masterpiece"? It seems to me this is what Christian is asking, since he is a "newbie".
To be fair I did go on to explain what processes should be gone through but you didn't quote that bit.

I don't think it unreasonable that a writer, newbie or other, puts in a fair degree of effort before asking others to do the same on their poems. After all, if others do all the work he's never going to learn.
 

Kevin

WF Veterans
I see a struggling relationship.
Rusting chain- breaking down bond
she is talking to him of what she is feeling - extreme ( scteaming ) pain. That can't be good. She tells him ( assumed him) in a cold - not a warm, manner. That can't be good, either.
The last line I take as his (again, assumed 'him') reaction or more precisely what he is going through- extreme turmoil or mental distress. Plus it rhymes... So you get two for your buck. Wth, people? Judging by the photo/ avatar he's an ancient hand at this.
 

escorial

WF Veterans
the need to rhyme reads as the basis of these words...in small poems it can be used to effect but the downsize for me is it can come off as a ditty an the theme can suffer for that...grand effort
 

Robbie

Financial Supporter
Hi Christian, I like newbie poetry. The title is very clever. Your poem may be a bit plain but at least you are expressing yourself. Is this the first draft? BTW, your lines do portray what your title conveys. If you are uneasy with the poem keep working at it. You could remove the first ‘as’ from line 1 and ‘of’ from line 2 for starters.
 

JellyTrigger

Senior Member
Dear Pete_C,

Yes, all of them have said what I wanted. Usually they don't come out as plain in my previous works, but I wanted to see if a simpler style of writing could have the same effect if tweaked. Throughout the words I thought of as "simple", these are the ones I chose to use. A glimpse of the meaning without painting the whole picture was also an aspect. If by concealing a depth of reality, you mean putting down words that 'tell a tale', then yes.

In response to your second message, I did put some work into it. I wanted to use simpler words, shorter sentences and still keep the same point. I tend to be too wordy and sometimes add unnecessary detail. I apologize if it's not up to par with what you consider actual effort. Thanks for the review.

Dear Nellie,

Exactly, I only wish to improve and sometimes uploading work you aren't 100% content with is the way to achieve such goals. Either threw audience option, or the reviewers.

Dear CrimsonAngel223,

You could be right, I'm not an expert when it comes to writing in general, but especially not poetry. I'll make sure to increase my use of vocabulary, better simplistic words might have been more suited for this poem. Thanks for the recommendation.

Dear Firemajic,

That's exactly what I was looking for! I knew I'd left some questions unanswered by keeping the writing too simplistic, but your summary really helps! I need to show more imagery and make them care about the events, I appreciate it!

Dear jenthepen,

It has been a while, I've written many different poems since the last one I posted, but I honestly didn't think to upload them. Since this was the main one giving me trouble I decided to work on this one. Glad to see you're still active and mentoring! Holy cow you guessed what I was trying to convey in the poem right off the bat! An unsatisfied relationship between two parties, wearing them down emotionally and physically was the main goal. Since the majority didn't figure that out, I need to improve the explanation of my poem. Just when I thought it was already short you made it better by doing so. I still have a lot to learn :hypnotysed: Thank you so much!

Dear Kevin,

Exactly what I was going for in the poem Kevin! I'm glad another person also figured it out, now I feel a bit better. I believe the format in which I told it is upsetting to people. It was descriptive enough to draw the same conclusion we did. I thought I described enough to get everyone on the same page, but I didn't. Thanks again for your review and I appreciate your kind words!

Dear escorial,

Thanks for the words of advice, I'll be sure to work on not rhyming as the basis too much.

Dear Robbie,

We're all experts masters in jotting down! :grin: I fear that making it too simplistic could've also made it too plain. Very first draft, I wrote it in one sitting. I like to capture an entire thought and go back to it, but I couldn't really decide what I wanted to change. Thanks for the advice, I'll see about changing those words out!

Sincerely,
Christian Rodriguez
The Newbie Writer

P.S. Thank you all for your constructive criticism, in the end that's the only way I'll write better.
 
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