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Bodyform (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
I saw your silhouette through the mirror,
My thoughts were entirely on one thing.
Your form is something that desires a caress.


I slowly walk behind you
until I can softly blow on your neck.
You immediately give that sigh of love.
Like in slow motion you slowly
turn your body towards me.


Your lips give you away as
to your intentions.
They're slightly parted
waiting in anticipation.


Then with an intensity only seen on screen,
ours lips become en-meshed
not worrying about breathing.
We stop for breath and
head for the bed.


The action starts as we fumble
like first timers, lust takes over.
It's not too long though,
and the love returns.

Each little touch and words of love
encourages us to heights
only true love can reach.


We're laid in one anothers arms.
Whispering sweet nothings
as lovers usually do.
Thankful that pure love
has won through.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I saw your silhouette through the mirror,
My thoughts were entirely on one thing.
Your form is something that desires a caress.


I slowly walk behind you
until I can softly blow on your neck.
You immediately give that sigh of love.

Like in slow motion you slowly
turn your body towards me.
*** In slow motion you turn to me


Your lips give you away as
to your intentions.
They're slightly parted
waiting in anticipation.

your slightly parted lips
wait in anticipation



Then with an intensity only seen on screen, I would cut this line, jmo, it adds nothing..
ours lips become en-meshed ** en-meshed is just not a sexy word... sorry ;)
not worrying about breathing.
We stop for breath and
head for the bed.


The action starts as we fumble
like first timers, lust takes over.
It's not too long though,
and the love returns.

Each little touch and words of love
encourages us to heights
only true love can reach.​*** avoid these broad statements, soooo cliché...


We're laid in one anothers arms.*** this entire line sounds so awkward...
Whispering sweet nothings*** oooops! what a poetic faux pas...another cliché ...
as lovers usually do.
Thankful that pure love*** these last 2 lines are... well...an anti-climax...I was hoping for something more....
has won through.

This poem started out with exquisite passion and promise... then sadly went quickly into the expected tired clichés... and for me, I was left very unsatisfied....
Making love is such an intimate bonding, but the intimacy left a lot to be desired...
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello, I think it’s a case that you fall in to that old trap of telling rather than showing. Which is such a shame because you start of so well the first stanza is, on point. It’s strange given that this is a love poem, but my intention would be not to use the word love, it becomes a meaningless utterance when written in a love poem. Firemajic has already left some great advice for you in a more detailed way, and I don’t want to repeat that. I will say that my opinion and inclination would be for a less is more style of writing, sometimes we use far to many gateway words, “the, they, we, I.”

By gateway I mean we use them to lead us to the point of a sentence, a line but we don’t need them, especially in poetry. Take S2 for example with out them:


I slowly walk behind you
until I can softly blow on your neck.
You immediately give that sigh of love.
Like in slow motion you slowly
turn your body towards me

Hope this helps somewhat.

Cheers

Syd
 

knottla

Senior Member
Thank you for your comments Syd. You're not the first person in the past couple of days to say I'm telling rather than showing. It's all a learning curve. Again thank you to yourself and Firemajic.
 
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