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J.L. Franklin

Senior Member
Flurries danced around us like maddened faeries. I cupped her face in my hands; my caramel skin contrasting with her pale skin. Her skin was so cold, so frigid, but it was full of everlasting life. I couldn’t withdraw from the endless pools of teal that swirled with my own hazel eyes.

I cleared my throat, “Will…” I started but then I stopped. The my throat restricted, and the tears brimmed my eyes. It wouldn’t do for her to see me break right here and now. I wanted her to know that I will be strong.

She stroked my cheek, her frigid fingertips sent bolts of ice down my spine, and lances of longing into my heart. “Will I what?” She gave me that crooked smile of her’s that snatched up my heart the first time we met. Her dimples tiny, her steel eyes full of mischief. I’m pretty sure she knew what I was going to ask.

I took a deep breath, and started again, “Will you return…return for me?”
I wasn't afraid of her actually LEAVING me. I knew, I knew for a fact that she would never leave me for someone else. But there was something else that gnawed at the back of my mind like a perpetual itch that I couldn't scratch. She was Number 3 in the Magnificent Seven; Earth's seven best mech pilots; the only ones with any real chance against the SEED. The kaiju had managed to wipe out much of Earth's Kaiju Response Military. The Magnificent Seven were to be used as a last resort. And this, was a last resort.

It all happened so fast. She threw her arms around my neck, squeezed her body into mine, heat roared through my body. Our lips touched. I knew her mouth so well. Her lips. Soft. Wet. Supple.Sweet. Full of care and full of tenderness. Her breath, life giving, sensual. Her tongue, warm, acrobatic. She broke the kiss and ran her fingers through my hair.
"Don’t you dare worry," her voice trembled. Was she…..was she getting ready to cry too? Huh. I had always been the emotional one; she had complete control over her feelings. "Don’t you dare worry…I will be back. I swear it on my soul."

I held her at arms length and looked into her eyes. I smiled slightly as my hand slipped into my coat pocket. I had wanted to give it to her, months ago. Now seemed like the perfect time.

Red silk. The ribbon was expensive, but, she was worth every penny. I tied the ribbon into her pale blonde hair. My voice cracked, finally, and tears streaked my face, “This ribbon, is a promise. No matter where you go. No matter what happens to you. I will be with you; you will never have to be alone."

She looked up at me; her lip quivering. Yeah, she was about to cry too.




(This story—while I’m not even sure why I’m makin’ this the first one, but what the heck!—was birthed from one of my blogs. The intention was a writing prompt featuring the two characters, and the soundtrack—the narrator being myself. I started getting longer, and longer, and ended up flash fiction. What surprised me the most as a writer, is that this normally isn’t in my range of story telling; I am much more of a speculative fiction writer, and my stories take place in a fictional city, which you all will see one very soon. Who knows. Maybe these characters will show up in that fictional, or tie in with that city’s cannon (yes, I know, I’m teasing you!), but all I can say, is that this couple (an interracial couple, by the by) is quite cute! Anywho, the basic background is that our female character is a soldier, and she must go BACK to war again. Okay, enough of my senseless rambling! I'd love to hear what you all think! Is readable? I feel like I may "write too fast", meaning, events happen at a very rapid pace. Do I spend too much time describing things? All critique is welcome (just don't, like traumatize me, okay...)
 

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Elsey2

Senior Member
I really liked the ending of this with the ribbon. I think it's cute and romantic. I also like the fact that she is the one in the military and leaving, and that he is the one that is giving her that reassurance by saying he'll be with her, knowing that there will be dark, scary times in her near future.

I thought it was good. I was going to ask for the back story, but I read your synopsis.
 

J.L. Franklin

Senior Member
Thank you so much for the feedback! Yeah, I wanted to try something a bit different with the whole "goin' to war" theme. I like the idea of our hero bein' the girl, and the guy was the one waitin' for her. Honestly, because I see that bein' myself. As much as I love action movies, I don't actually see myself savin' the world. I see myself as a journalist or something; or maybe someone helpin' out in the streets. Despite my "hero complex" (yes, I do have one), I don't think I could throw myself into the fray of battle (at least, not yet!). By the by, I just updated the story a bit, and added some more depth and detail to the two characters. Take a peek if you'd like. I personally like this version better than the first.
 
This is exactly the kind of story that captures my attention, well done! I love having to guess what’s going on and figuring out more and more along the way, but not enough to make you stop wondering. I’d definitely want to read more about your characters and what happens to them.

I like the role reversal as well, although by just reading the fragment, you can’t really be sure that the narrator is a man. It might be another woman. Or whatever else you could come up with ;-) All you know is that the person is very much in love with the girl.

It all happened so fast. She threw her arms around my neck, squeezed her body into mine, heat roared through my body. Our lips touched. I knew her mouth so well. Her lips. Soft. Wet. Supple. Sweet. Full of care and full of tenderness. Her breath, life giving, sensual. Her tongue, warm, acrobatic. She broke the kiss and ran her fingers through my hair.

I love the speed in this part, and it is definitely not too fast for me. If anything, the descriptions of her lips, breath and tongue slow it down for me a bit. I want to read on, I want to keep that pace, and to me the adjectives kind of stop me from doing that, if you know what I mean…

Anyway, that was really the only observation I made. Other than that, I thought it was really good and I’d love to read more of your work!

Mariska
 

J.L. Franklin

Senior Member
I like the role reversal as well, although by just reading the fragment, you can’t really be sure that the narrator is a man. It might be another woman. Or whatever else you could come up with ;-) All you know is that the person is very much in love with the girl.


Wow! You know what! I never even thought about it like that! I DID write it kinda from my perspective, but I never thought that people could imagine it bein' another woman, or "something else"! Heck, it could even have been a SEED for all we know! ;) Anywho! Thank you much for the feedback! You have not idea what doors you've opened for me! I think I might be writing more stories for this universe, and start introducing my "superstar" character.
 

TKent

Retired Chief Media Manager
Wow. I really loved this!

You did a fantastic job evoking the passion/love/feeling between these two. And I also liked the story itself, very interesting with her being the mech going off to fight the war. And the red ribbon touched this romance lover's heart. Job well done. I loved the way it flowed as well. Where can I get the book..LOL.

Here are a couple of comments:

should that be "within"? This one sentence had me re-reading it because of that but then I realized that I wasn't sure what the sentence meant - is the narrator seeing teal in the other person's eyes or their own? I might reword this just a tiny bit.

I couldn’t withdraw from the endless pools of teal that swirled with my own hazel eyes.


tense change

I wanted her to know that I will be strong.

I loved the description below:

She gave me that crooked smile of her’s that snatched up my heart the first time we met. Her dimples tiny, her steel eyes full of mischief. I’m pretty sure she knew what I was going to ask.

I might put a period after the first "I knew". It would make it a stronger statement to me. "I knew."

I knew, I knew for a fact that she would never leave me for someone else.


I thought you did a great job of giving a bunch of backstory with just a few sentences!

But there was something else that gnawed at the back of my mind like a perpetual itch that I couldn't scratch. She was Number 3 in the Magnificent Seven; Earth's seven best mech pilots; the only ones with any real chance against the SEED. The kaiju had managed to wipe out much of Earth's Kaiju Response Military. The Magnificent Seven were to be used as a last resort. And this, was a last resort.

Nicely done! I could feel the passion here.

It all happened so fast. She threw her arms around my neck, squeezed her body into mine, heat roared through my body. Our lips touched. I knew her mouth so well. Her lips. Soft. Wet. Supple.Sweet. Full of care and full of tenderness. Her breath, life giving, sensual. Her tongue, warm, acrobatic. She broke the kiss and ran her fingers through my hair.

Like I said, nice touch below. You do a lot of things here..you reached out to the romantic in me. But in addition, the fact that it was a simple red ribbon and not a diamond ring or any of the ostentatious trappings of current society, it really put me in this world of yours where an expensive red ribbon has such significance. Great job!

Red silk. The ribbon was expensive, but, she was worth every penny. I tied the ribbon into her pale blonde hair. My voice cracked, finally, and tears streaked my face, “This ribbon, is a promise. No matter where you go. No matter what happens to you. I will be with you; you will never have to be alone."
 

J.L. Franklin

Senior Member
Yay! I'm really glad you enjoyed my story! ^-^

Okay, first thing first, so when the narrator says, "I couldn’t withdraw from the endless pools of teal that swirled with my own hazel eyes.", they are saying that they couldn't stop looking into their lover's eyes. The narrator's eyes are hazel, the lover's eyes are teal; a liquid teal color, giving them a sensuous look.

Oh! You know what, I must say (I'm gonna sound so arrogant when I say this!), but I'm proud of the red ribbon touch myself! Since ribbons hold things together, I figured that a ribbon would work better to signify that no matter what, they would be bound together forever. I just keep imagining the girl blowing the crap out of SEED, with that ribbon tied around her upper arm; a constant reminder that she has a promise to keep.

I guess the ribbon also signifies promise: she swore that she would come back, and as long as she has that ribbon, she will be coming back.

Well, enough sensless rambling! Thank you so much for the feedback!
 
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