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Beyond Repair (Short) (Graphic) (1 Viewer)

JayRiggs

Senior Member
“Just come with us, Ry. You need to get out of the house. It’s been a week now.” Riley’s best friend urged her further. “You deserve it.”


Riley stared blankly into the wall, almost as if she were looking through it. “I don’t want to. I hate the beach.”


“You’ve said that about the mall, and the library, and your sister’s house. You can’t hate everything but this couch.”


“Seems pretty easy to me.”


Cameron pleaded with her best friend. “Come on. Sarah, Danielle, and Jamie are going. And I guess there‘s a wedding party staying in the cabin next to us. Maybe some hot guys will be there.”


“Jesus Cam. Fine. I’ll go. But I’m bringing the dog. I have to have someone to sit with while everyone else is swimming in the sun and all that stupid bullshit.”


“Don’t be like that. Go pack a week’s worth of stuff.”


“A whole week? Ugh.” Riley slid off her couch, pinching the bridge of her nose. “These damn headaches. Ever since I’ve been home.”


“I know Ry. It’ll pass. Just like everything else did.”


“Whatever.”


They packed their clothes and met up with the rest of the girls, taking Cameron’s SUV up to the cabin on a beach in northern Michigan. Cameron turned her head back to Sarah who was in the back seat. “So do you know anything about this wedding party that’s going to be in the other cabin?”


Sarah nodded. “Yeah. A kid that me and Danielle went to high school with got married this weekend. I saw it on Facebook and told him we’d be at the same beach. He told us we should all come hang out. It’s going to be a bunch of his family and their girlfriends and wives and everything.”


“Anyone I know?”


“Well the kid…I guess he’s not a kid anymore, who got married is Caleb Mackey.”


Riley perked her head up, saying the first thing she had since they got in the car. “Does he have a brother named Dean? That’s like, I don’t know, probably around 36 by now?”


Sarah got excited that Riley knew who she was talking about. “Yeah he does! How do you know him? You’re only 23 and Caleb is my age, 27 or so.”


Cameron shook her head. She knew exactly how Riley knew Dean.


“That’s a story for another day.” Riley averted her eyes back to the window, trying to hide the grin that found it’s way to her lips. But she couldn’t help grinning when she thought back on the time she spent with Dean.


“No no. Tell me. You have to!”


Riley held up her hands. “Alright, alright. But you have to promise if he’s at this thing, you cannot bring it up. Not to his brother, not to him, no one.”


“I promise.” Sarah held up her right hand.


“Well. My first year of college, I took a writing class. I didn’t need it, but I wanted to take it. I was just starting my novel and thought it would be a good idea. Dean was teaching the class. He really liked my work, respected it. Somehow, we found ourselves both involved in this back-and-forth flirting game that neither of us had any idea how we got into it. I mean we really got inside each other’s heads. There was never direct flirting. No one came onto the other. But as the weeks went by, the space between my seat and where he stood in the front of the room seemed to get smaller. It seemed less people started showing up to class. He’d compliment my work in front of the whole class to see how I’d handle it. I’d challenge what he was teaching, spark a two-person debate, and his eyes would light up every time I came back with an answer. I am totally confident if we would’ve met each other in a different setting, we would’ve ended up together. But I heard he got a girl toward the end of the semester. He didn’t stop doing what he was with me, but once I heard that I kind of gave up. We haven’t spoken or seen each other for almost four years now. He’s probably madly in love with that girl and forgotten all about me.”


“Well, about that girlfriend of his. You’re right. I heard they were madly in love, about to be engaged.” Sarah looked at the ground.


“Were?” Riley leaned forward, intrigued, hanging on Sarah’s every word.


“About two months ago, Dean and his girlfriend were driving somewhere really late. They got in an accident. She didn’t make it and he messed up his leg pretty bad.”


Riley’s heart dropped. Really dropped. She covered her mouth with her hands and stared wide-eyed at Sarah. “No. No way. Oh my god, that’s so terrible.” She didn’t know she could feel this upset over someone she had a crush on four years ago. But she did. She thought she was going to cry. “Jesus…”


“He couldn’t even be at the funeral because he was in recovery from surgery. So I doubt he‘ll be at the cabin.”


“My god. That poor man. I don‘t even know what I would say to him. I don’t even know if I could approach him at all. He‘d probably think since I liked him at one point that I was trying to use this to get back with him or something.” She spent the rest of the car ride in silence. She couldn’t remember the last time her heart hurt this badly for someone other than herself. At least this pain, this empathy, proved one thing to her. It proved that after what she’d been through in the last couple months, she wasn’t a stone. She wasn’t numb. She was working her way back to being capable of having feelings again.


They pulled the SUV into the cabin driveway just Caleb’s party was finishing unloading their things into their cabin. There were about 10 people coming in and out that Riley could count. She panned the scene for one. She was just about to breathe a sigh of relief when she saw two crutches emerge from the back of one of the cars, followed by Dean. Her stomach flipped on itself and she thought she’d be sick at the sight of what he had become since she saw him last. The image of him that burned in her mind had completely faded. He was on the shorter side of average, thick with wide, muscular shoulders. Now, he looked like he’d lost about 30 pounds. His black hair, usually always cut into a fade accompanied by a perfectly groomed black goatee had grown scruffy. He hadn’t shaved in at least a couple of weeks. His once vibrant, passionate, emerald green eyes had grown dull and listless, being supported by dark circles that told a tale of sleepless, tear filled nights. His leg was wrapped from the hip to the ankle in ace bandages, enclosed by a heavy metal brace. He winced with every movement.


Riley tried to avoid it, but the inevitable eye contact was made. Dean’s whole expression perked up, but by the time he started to make his way toward her, she was halfway up to her cabin with her dog, an Airedale Terrier, at her side. What could she say to him? She couldn’t face him. She wasn’t the best at giving out emotional support. Avoiding Dean seemed to be the only way to avoid an awkward and painful conversation that she didn’t think either of them was ready to have. Did he know that she knew what happened to him? Did he see her avoidance as not caring that it happened? She didn’t care to find out.


Over the past couple days, she’d played the same “eye contact, walk away” game with Dean more times than she had hoped. She couldn’t stand to see that once powerful, cocky man looking so physically and mentally broken. It was almost enough to break her, and she couldn’t handle that right now. Not after what had just happened, not after the dark place she just got out of. She was starting to notice a pattern. Everyone between both parties knew what had happened to Dean by now. He knew it, everyone else knew it. She noticed the way people were walking on eggshells around him. Moving things out of his way, holding out their hands to help him get up and down steps, into and out of chairs. And the way the talked to him, pausing and wincing mid-sentence like they were trying to decide if what they were going to say next would set him off, make him buckle. He gave off a look in his eyes that she’d known all too well; he didn’t want that. She was in the same position no more than two weeks ago, when she came home. Part of her knew he just wanted to be treated like a human being, the other part of her didn’t want to be the one to do it. Though she knew she was capable.


By the third day, all of the other girls that came with Riley were fluttering back and forth between the Mackey party and theirs, even Cameron. She tried to stay with Riley as much as she could, but Riley insisted that she go and have a good time. The boys were playing football on the beach, the girls were playing volleyball between the cabins, which were only about 50 feet apart. They were grilling up by the porch and drinking. It was the perfect end of summer trip for everyone but Dean and Riley.


Riley sat on the grass, between the two cabins, just watching. Nothing specific, just looking out into the wide day in front of her, one she had no desire to seize. Her dog panted contently next to her and watched the boys playing football. She hadn’t set foot on the beach since she got there, and didn’t really feel like it. Beaches, sand volleyball, cookout food, and lakes weren’t for people who felt the way she did. She glared over at Dean through her sunglasses every now and then. He was wearing the same vacant stare she was, up on the porch, leaned back in a chair, leg up on the rail of the deck, a bottle of whiskey next to him.


One of the guys playing football in front of him threw the ball too wide, causing it to land about a foot away from Dean’s chair.


“D! Throw that back over here!” A kid about 17 called over to him. Riley assumed it was one of his cousins.


Dean didn’t move an inch. “Nah, man.”


“Come on dude, your arm isn’t broken. Throw the damn ball back.”


“Fuck you.” He causally muttered as he was lighting a cigarette.


The kid approached the porch. Laughing all the way up. “Come on man. Lighten up. Come out and sit on the beach. You can stand leaning on one leg and throw the ball around. Have some fun.”


“If that ball comes back up here and you knock this bottle over I’m gonna be pissed.” He exhaled his smoke right into the kid’s face, making him cover his mouth and nose with his arm.


“Whatever Dean. I’m tryin to help.”


“I don’t need your help.”


“Jackass.” The kid whispered as he turned away with the football. Riley knew Dean heard him. She thought to herself, when she knew him a couple years ago, he probably would’ve retaliated with some stinging smartass comment. Something about how lanky the kid was compared to Dean, and how he’d kick his ass. Now, he just sat there, almost as if to agree with the kid.


Fifteen minutes rolled by and nothing had changed. Again, one of the boys threw the ball too wide. This time, Riley’s dog sprang up and went flying up to the porch, barking excitedly and nuzzling Dean’s arm for attention. Riley stood up and whistled for the dog, his recall command, which he was normally perfectly responsive to. Until then, ten times out of ten, that dog did what she said. Her stomach dropped further and further as she started the walk up to Dean, trying to call her dog off every couple of steps. She was walking the Green Mile, and everyone had stopped what they were doing, waiting for something to happen. Like Dean would shatter into a million pieces and Riley would be the one to cause it. She ascended the steps looking like she weighed a thousand pounds.


“Get your ass over here! What’s wrong with you?” She went to grab her dog’s collar a little harsher than she intended. But the sound of him talking to the dog the way he was stopped her in her tracks.


“Hey buddy. You’re a handsome guy, aren’t you? What’s your name?”


She smiled a little. “His name is Titan.”


“It fits him. He’s huge. Big for an Airedale, right?”


“A little wider, yeah.” Riley prided herself in how muscular her dog was. She fed him right and took good care of him. About the only thing she could manage to take care of anymore.


“How’ve you been, Riley?”


She got uncomfortable once the conversation shifted from Titan onto her. “Uh. I’ve been better. How about you?” She pinched the bridge of her nose again. “Shit. Don’t answer that. I know how you’ve been. Dammit. I…”


“It’s okay. What’s up? Why have you been better?”


“Dean, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to sound like an asshole, but…” She searched her pockets and lit a cigarette. “I’m not in any position to talk about how shitty my life has been to you.”


“I can handle it.” He leaned over without getting up and pulled another chair over.


“I can’t. I won’t do it.” She sat down.


“You look good. I wondered if I’d ever see you again. Wish I hadn’t left things the way I did. I should have made a move.“ He turned away from her for the first time since she came over to him.


“I don’t think either of us is in any place for this conversation. Do you?” She started to get up.


“Hey.” He held his hand out, directing her to sit back down. “No. I guess not. I wish you‘d tell me why you‘re not though. And why you‘re so uncomfortable talking to me now. You never were in my class.”


“Things are a little different now.”


“How?”


“Don’t give me that. You know exactly how. You know what happened. You don’t want to hear about it anyways. I hurt and tormented a lot of people with what happened. I don’t need to do it to you too.” She was getting touchy and defensive.


“I do. You want a drink?” He held out the whiskey bottle to her.


“No. You don’t. And I don’t drink.” She reached up a trembling hand to her cigarette, inhaled.


“Whatever it is, it’s heavy.” He was dying to know what could shake the strong woman he used to know as unwavering the way it was. “Come on. You can’t give me any worse news that waking up to a dead girlfriend and missing her funeral.” He said it so callously it was enough to make Riley throw up.


She looked in his eyes and finally figured out why he wanted to know what happened to her so badly. He’d never know she had him figured out. But he needed to know. He craved the story. He needed to know he wasn’t the only one who’s world had just crumbled around him, lying in shambles that were unable to be put back together. He couldn’t be the only one, he wouldn’t let it happen. Riley knew that feeling too. She’d stared that same look down in the mirror hundreds of times before she was sent home. It was a very dark place to be, and she couldn’t let Dean drown in it. She had the luxury of being around people who knew what she was going through, he didn’t until now.


“Dean…” She pinched the bridge of her nose again. The headache was back. The need, the demon, was howling at her, angry for being left behind.


“You alright?”


“Yeah. Just, a headache. It’s fine.” She laughed a bitter, cynical laugh. “The shape your leg’s in and you’re asking if I’m alright over a headache.”


“Quit changing the subject.”


“You weren’t the only one in isolation for the past two months.”


“Oh?”


“I was in the hospital too. Then rehab.” She looked down, digging for another cigarette. Anything to avert his attention from her eyes. Attention that was burning into her skull. She put her hand up in an attempt to rub it off, then played it off as swatting a bug away when she realized there was nothing there.


“Rehab?”


“I overdosed.


“On?”


“Pain killers.”


“Was it on purpose?” Dean prodded. He wasn’t holding back. There was no delicacy here. He was sick of delicacy.


“Not from what I was told. Last thing I remember, something stupid was going on and I was pissed off. Probably something with my ex or my job. I remember wanting to get high. Really high. Out of my mind, off my ass, tanked. But I don’t remember wanting to die.”


“How’d you get to the hospital?”


“They won’t tell me what happened. Won’t tell me who found me, no one wants to upset me.” She knew she didn’t have to elaborate any further on that to him of all people. “I’m assuming it was Cam, my best friend. The way she’s been acting around me.”


“I think I got a pretty good idea.” He nodded down to his leg. She knew he did.


“So after I got stabilized, it was off to rehab. I got put in, I didn’t choose to go. And then I lost a month of my life.”


“I don’t understand.”


“Like I said, I don’t remember wanting to die before waking up. But I’m not so sure anymore. I woke up pissed off. Pissed off to be alive. Like I’d failed some monumental task. Like I was the biggest fuck-up in the world for not finishing the job. I was miserable, so they sedated me the majority of the first four weeks of six I was there. I’ll probably never know if it was on purpose or not; I didn’t leave a note or anything.”


“Jesus.”


“I see the way everyone’s looking at you. Like you’re going to turn to dust if they do the wrong thing. Everyone treats me differently now. They’re convinced it was on purpose because I’m quiet and ‘moody’ and ‘antisocial.’ When that turned into automatically being suicidal, I don’t know. But no one wants to say the wrong thing to me. My coworkers help me way more than they ever had. My boss offered me any time off I need. Cam hasn’t left my side, which, I love her to death but I can’t fucking stand it.”


He turned away from her again and, with the same callousness as before, said, “I was drunk when I was driving that car,” and exhaled his cigarette.


“Dean… I want to tell you I’m sorry, that if you need anything I’m here. But I can’t. Because if you’re anything like me, which I think you are more than either of us would think, you don’t want to hear it. So I won’t say it. I don’t think you’re ready to hear it, and I’m not ready to say it.” She took his absence of a response as her cue to leave and stood up. Titan jumped up and eagerly wagged his tail, running over to Dean, ready to jump on his lap. Riley stood between Titan and Dean’s bad leg. She was a protector by nature, one of the remaining things the addiction hadn’t swept out from under her. She held two fingers out over Titan’s head. “Down.” The dog obeyed. She turned to Dean. “He does have manners, I promise.”


“I didn’t doubt that for a second. So what do we do?”


“What do you mean?”


“When do I get to talk to you again?”


She took his phone off the table and put her number in it and gave him her phone to do the same. “When I’m ready to say I’m sorry and you’re ready to hear it.”


They didn’t talk for the rest of the four days they were there. The girls loaded their stuff into the car and started the drive home. Riley sat in the back, staring out the window when she felt her phone go off.


It was a text from Dean. “I’ve thought about you non stop since we talked.”


“Dean, don’t do this.”


“It’s not like that. I’m not looking for a rebound. I’m not looking to talk to you as a girl I was into once. I just want someone to talk to who’s not gonna treat me how everyone else has. This is the first night I’ll spend alone in a year. I don’t know how to anymore.”


She was surprised he was being so open with her. “This is the first night I’ll spend alone too, Cam didn’t leave my side in the two weeks I was home before we came here. I’m making her go home for a couple nights. I shouldn’t say it’s the first night I’ll spend alone. I can handle that part. It’ll be the first night I’ll spend alone in that house sober. I don’t know how to be alone and sober.”
“Well, I think we both could give each other something we want.”


“What do you mean?” Riley was unexplainably nervous to read his response.


“Think about it. I’ve been in the hospital with a fucked up leg. I got the good shit, kid. And I know you’re not ready to walk away just yet.”


“How do you know that?”


“Rehab never works unless you walk into and out of those doors under your own power. You were forced there. You’re not ready to give it up. I could see it in your eyes.”


“And what can I give you?”


“Company. That’s all I want. I give you your buzz, you give me mine.”


“Should I be concerned with the fact that you’re already an enabler?”


“Are you really giving me one of your fancy rehab words? :)


Riley laughed aloud and hoped no one noticed. “I learned it in group.”


“So what do you say, kid? I bring the dope, you bring me the booze and a couple of movies.”


“Now you’re appealing to my Bonnie and Clyde complex. You win.”


“I got some good meds too, so you better be the best company I’ve ever had.”


She laughed again. The first genuine laugh since before she went in. “I’m pretty confident.”


She got home and showered and changed. She had to fight with Cameron to be able to leave the house. She’d break the news to her about the relapse later. She thought bringing Titan would be a nice surprise, so she put him in the passenger seat of her car and ran to the movie and liquor stores. Her and Titan walked up the stairs to Dean’s apartment. She lingered a bit before knocking, breathing in and out a few times to calm the butterflies in her stomach until she realized there weren’t any.


Dean opened the door, smiling down at Titan and ruffling the hair on his neck. “You brought my boy.”


“I did. And this.” She handed him the bottle of whiskey and held up the movies.


“And here’s my end, as promised.” He handed her a near-full bottle of pain killers. Strong ones. Ones she used to dream about when all she could pull together was pills that were half the strength as these.


She held her hand out and took them much quicker and smoother than she expected. She thought her next encounter with any pills after the rehab would be a raging war in head between what she knew she shouldn’t be doing and what she wanted to do. There was no war, no little voice telling her not to take them, no stomach churning anxiety over such a bad decision. She opened the bottle and popped two in her mouth, then bit another one in half and took that, with no drink. She didn’t need one, she was a pro.


“Jesus. High tolerance, eh?”


“I’ve had a year to practice. Don’t you need these?


“Nah. I’ve been drunk too much to even let those near my body. Too dangerous. They put me on my ass anyway. You take em.”


She lingered in the hallway for a few seconds. “Dean…I’m sorry.”


“I know, sweetheart. I know you are.”
 

Sintalion

Senior Member
“Just come with us, Ry. You need to get out of the house. It’s been a week now.” Riley’s best friend urged her further. “You deserve it.”


Riley stared blankly into the wall, almost as if she were looking through it. “I don’t want to. I hate the beach.”


For me, three Rileys in two paragraphs is too much. The second use is the one I would remove and replace with the character's name. "Urged her further" is also a little odd, since the reader hasn't been informed of the conversation until now. You'd be better suited to describing the scene rather than the tone of voice. The dialogue says plenty.

“You’ve said that about the mall, and the library, and your sister’s house. You can’t hate everything but this couch.”


“Seems pretty easy to me.”



Cameron pleaded with her best friend. “Come on. Sarah, Danielle, and Jamie are going. And I guess there‘s a wedding party staying in the cabin next to us. Maybe some hot guys will be there.”

Very repetitive, when compared to your dialogue tags above.

“Jesus Cam. Fine. I’ll go. But I’m bringing the dog. I have to have someone to sit with while everyone else is swimming in the sun and all that stupid bullshit.”

You've used their names a lot in just a brief time period. It makes the writing come across a bit choppy. Also, swimming in the sun?

“Don’t be like that. Go pack a week’s worth of stuff.”
Makes me wonder, why wouldn't you bring the dog? A week is a long time to be gone. Based on the prior conversation, I wasn't thinking this was a week long outing at all. It sounded like a day trip to a lakehouse, especially considering that you compared it directly to the mall and such, which are typically day trips!

A whole week? Ugh.” Riley slid off her couch, pinching the bridge of her nose. “These damn headaches. Ever since I’ve been home.”
I've got to say that as a reader I don't believe this story, and this underlined sentence is part of the problem. If I were an agent, I would've stopped here, if not earlier.
There are a few problems I'm having:
1. I don't know how old Riley is, but I'm getting the sense that she's at least in her twenties given that her sister has a house and she has a dog. Problem is, she sounds like she's thirteen.
2. She has responsibility of a dog, which makes me believe she's old enough to probably have a job, so this spur of the moment, week long trip thing? She'd need to at least plan for her pet, not to mention taking time off.
3. Would someone really agree to go to a lakehouse, and not know how long they were going for? I really don't believe that. (Okay I'll go..For a week. A week? Really? --> Not great writing; you've left nothing for a reader to say: OK, that's logical).
4. Please bear in mind that you've given no clues about really where they are and how old they are, so it's really easy to misinterpret things.

The headache line comes out of nowhere. Sure that's okay, but it just sounds staged at this point. I'd kinda prefer that it was hinted at earlier, so it feels attached to the entire scene, not just now because you need to bring it up.


“I know Ry. It’ll pass. Just like everything else did.”


“Whatever.”


So much dialogue! It's pretty vague and jumpy, so on its own, I don't think it makes the cut. This (all the way to start of the piece) is dialogue that needs to be reworked, or to be supplemented with scene and character interaction.

They packed their clothes and met up with the rest of the girls, taking Cameron’s SUV up to the cabin on a beach in northern Michigan. Cameron turned her head back to Sarah who was in the back seat. “So do you know anything about this wedding party that’s going to be in the other cabin?”
You really sped us along here! Honestly I'm not really sure that the first scene was worth including. Nothing happened and there was only one line that had any interest whatsoever (everything else...). That could easily be incorporated here.

Sarah nodded. “Yeah. A kid that me and Danielle went to high school with got married this weekend. I saw it on Facebook and told him we’d be at the same beach. He told us we should all come hang out. It’s going to be a bunch of his family and their girlfriends and wives and everything.”
In my mind I percieve them as older, but the dialogue you use makes them sound like thirteen year olds. Sure, college students and those of us who are fresh out don't speak perfectly, but I feel like you're making us out to be high schoolers here with all the casual lines and phrases you throw in.


“Anyone I know?”

Well the kid…I guess he’s not a kid anymore, who got married is Caleb Mackey.

You have a car full of women and one dog. Who is speaking? This dialogue doesn't read right. Say it out loud. I think it has to do with a comma.

Riley perked her head up, saying the first thing she had since they got in the car. “Does he have a brother named Dean? That’s like, I don’t know, probably around 36 by now?”
This just seems like uncessary detail. Honestly I don't have a grasp of ANY character's personality at this stage in the game, and I really should. Again, they sound like they're thirteen. For me, you're making the dialogue too casual.


Sarah got excited that Riley knew who she was talking about. “Yeah he does! How do you know him? You’re only 23 and Caleb is my age, 27 or so.”
You're telling us without showing us. Most of the story is all telling. You have zero interaction of the characters between each other and themselves, and the scene.
The ages read like an info dump.


Cameron shook her head. She knew exactly how Riley knew Dean.
Again, just telling us, and it's really vague for being in third person.

“That’s a story for another day.” Riley averted her eyes back to the window, trying to hide the grin that found it’s way to her lips. But she couldn’t help grinning when she thought back on the time she spent with Dean.
Why is this dialogue separate from the speaker? Second section is repetitve. You'd do better by excluding it. The grin says enough.


No no. Tell me. You have to!”
Who is speaking? Again, they sound like they're thirteen.

Riley held up her hands. “Alright, alright. But you have to promise if he’s at this thing, you cannot bring it up. Not to his brother, not to him, no one.”
Again, thirteen. Those of us in the 24-27 year old age range can sound like this, but in the story, it's just kind of...young and immature. I'm not getting the sense that these girls have been through the ringer and actually dated or kissed a man ever. There's no 24-27 year old dialogue!

“I promise.” Sarah held up her right hand.

“Well. My first year of college, I took a writing class. I didn’t need it, but I wanted to take it. I was just starting my novel and thought it would be a good idea. Dean was teaching the class. He really liked my work, respected it. Somehow, we found ourselves both involved in this back-and-forth flirting game that neither of us had any idea how we got into it. I mean we really got inside each other’s heads. There was never direct flirting. No one came onto the other. But as the weeks went by, the space between my seat and where he stood in the front of the room seemed to get smaller. It seemed less people started showing up to class. He’d compliment my work in front of the whole class to see how I’d handle it. I’d challenge what he was teaching, spark a two-person debate, and his eyes would light up every time I came back with an answer. I am totally confident if we would’ve met each other in a different setting, we would’ve ended up together. But I heard he got a girl toward the end of the semester. He didn’t stop doing what he was with me, but once I heard that I kind of gave up. We haven’t spoken or seen each other for almost four years now. He’s probably madly in love with that girl and forgotten all about me.”
This is the longest thing you've written, and after all the short lines, it's very stunted and out of place. I'd consider shortening it considerably, or breaking up this giant dialogue. People don't talk like this, and since you've written the rest of the story with all the words people really use to talk, it doesn't match your story at all.

That's where I'm going to stop. You clearly have an idea buried in here, but the characters are flat and don't come off the page. I can't distinguish Riley from any of her friends. The dialogue needs some work, and the biggest aid in that will be in actually having your characters interact, with each other, themselves, and the scene. I'd also consider strengthening the dialogue, because they sound like they're in high school when they're not even close. Give us college gals some credit!

Good luck! I think your idea is nice, it just needs some help on the technical side of things.
 
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