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Berlin, 1945 (script) (1 Viewer)

pabs

Member
[FONT=&quot]A quick little scene I did of a behind enemy lines WW2 idea. Please critic me.
[/FONT]​
“BERLIN, 1945”​
FADE IN:

EXT. SKIES ABOVE BERLIN – NIGHT

SUPER: “SKIES OF BERLIN”

A close up on two British bombers soaring across the sky. As they move on we see three more.

COMMANDER (V.O.)
This is Wilcon station over, Red Hound come in.

INT. BRITISH BOMBER COCKPIT – NIGHT

We see a man sitting in the front seat. He is MILLER. He has short, brown hair, a trim physique and an English accent. He reaches for his radio to speak into it.

MILLER
Wilcon this is Red Hound, we have clearance?

He waits a minuet for the response.

COMMANDER (V.O.)
Affirmative, you have clearance, watch for guns
And bogeys.

He lifts his air mask to his face.

MILLER
Alright boys, we have a go!

EXT. SKIES ABOVE BERLIN – NIGHT

The Bombers begin to tilt downwards but suddenly, guns fire. One bomber is hit and explodes. Two BRITISH FIGHTER JETS arrive beside the bombers to fight off the GERMAN FIGHTERS.

MILLER (V.O.)
Keep going, but watch the artillery down there.

The clouds disappear as we follow the bombers down towards the city. Then suddenly the guns fire. The city lights up with the bang of the artillery as they fire at the bombers.

MILLER (V.O.)
They were ready for us, request to pull out.

COMMANDER (V.O)
This is Wilcon, permission granted.

The bombers begin to turn but it’s to late. One shell hits Miller’s right wing. He soars down.

INT. BRITISH BOMBER COCKPIT – NIGHT

Miller closes his eyes and whispers something we can’t hear. Then he picks up his radio.

WINGMAN ONE
Are you okay Red Hound?

Miller opens his eyes and responds.

MILLER
I’m going down but you have to go back to base.

He breathes.

MILLER
Forget about me, I’ll be dead in a minuet.
Get back to base. Keep this fight up.

He weases.

MILLER
There’s a lot in this world worth dying for.
This war is one of them. Keep up the fight, boys
He coughs and faints.

WINGMAN TWO
Bye Miller.






EXT. FIELDS OUTSIDE OF BERLIN.

The plane is soaring towards the surface, flames splurging out from its wing. Seconds later, it hits and all goes black.
 

Buddy Glass

Senior Member
Well, you'd have to be studious when it comes to historical accuracy when you write these things.

My advice: avoid cliché. The 'worth dying for' comment is very cliché...
 

Wallmaker

Senior Member
If you look at the dialogue, it has a familiar feel to it. Right now, it could use some fleshing out as well. It's just a scene, not necessarily a whole idea.
The theme I derived is (obviously) self sacrifice and a sense of the something bigger out there. What I have no real clue about is who Miller is. What does this war mean to him? How does he come to change his understanding before he dies? I feel like Miller is dead before I knew very much about him.
Anyway, there are a lot of wwii pieces out there and your story is a chance to stand out, keep that in mind in your revision.
 

Delvok

Senior Member
I have limited experience in script-writing and was just browsing when I happened to scim upon this.

I have to further reinforce Buddy's point: historical accuracy. This is amazingly important when covering anything entailing WW2. The British pilots, to me, didn't exaclty sound British. Also, if there was a bombing run (especially over Berlin-the heart of the Rhineland) there would be a lot more than simply two bombers.
 

The Backward OX

WF Veterans
I know s.f.a. about script-writing. I wouldn’t know a good lay-out or whatever it might be called if it jumped up and bit me on the bum.

But I DO know a bit about the subject matter. And I'd respectfully suggest you get a few years worth of reading under your belt on it too, before attempting something like this.

Raids by Bomber Command towards the end of the war were always flights of a minimum of two hundred planes, not five.

Although I concede this is not a novel, you are going to have purists rolling in the aisles laughing at the concept of a bomber “soaring.” Gliders soar, bombers in that era mostly just trundled or lumbered along.

Someone who knows for sure may be able to pull me up on this, but I believe pilots did not communicate with base. And if they did it wasn’t for matters of attack strategy. Attack strategy was decided by the squadron leader. Also, even if there was contact between plane and base, the dialogue is all wrong. No sender of a message, even today, ever uses the word “over” in the middle of the message. It may instead have gone something like this: “ Wilcon to Red Hound, come in. Over,” although more likely it would have been “Wilcon to Red Leader, come in. Over.”

The reason is as follows: - unlike a telephone system, where all parties can if they wish speak simultaneously, a two-way radio system allows transmission in only one direction at a time. The word “Over” is an abbreviation for “Over to you,” meaning that the message sender has finished, and more importantly is about to release his “Transmit” button, thereby enabling another user to begin his own transmission.

Consequently each line of your dialogue spoken over the two-way, needs to conclude with “Over.”

Miller would have reached for his microphone not his radio. You’ve got yourself confused with today’s mobile phone technology.

The V.O. (voice over?) lifts his air(?) mask to his face? What’s a voice doing wearing an oxygen mask?

Bombers generally arrived over their target at a pre-arranged altitude. The idea of tilting down just doesn’t ring true.

Nor is the idea of Miller being surprised that the Germans were ready for them, and subsequently requesting permission to pull out. Of course they were ready. No one flew into a battle zone expecting to take the Germans by surprise. And then, as I said earlier, no one asked permission of base to pull out. That was the squadron leader’s decision to make. In any event, a real pilot may have taken a more laid-back and confidence-building approach to the problem, and said to the rest his flight something like, "Chaps, it's a bit warm down there. I say we unload somewhere else." (Bombs HAD to be dropped somewhere, even dumped in the Channel as a last resort - planes could not land with them in place)

The Allies had no jets in WWII. They had all manner of fighters but they were ALL propeller-driven. British Hawker Typhoons and Bristol Beaufighters for night fighting, Spitfires and Hurricanes for daylight operations, and American P-47’s (when they eventually turned up, late as usual), were all prop driven.

Real pilots don’t talk in clichés. That “There’s a lot in this world worth dying for” and “Keep up the fight boys” are unreal – in the real sense of the word.

Spelling: minuet/minute; weases/wheezes.

Like I said, tons more research is needed.
Good luck
Over and out.
 
Last edited:

Shinn

Senior Member
British bomber crews DID NOT communicate with base for the entire mission, only during take-off and landing. Forgive me for this pabs, but what rank is Miller?? Sergeant? Group Captain? I have written a similar story, "The Gates Effect", about a British bomber pilot. And I don't think pilots had call signs in the war. I hope this helps you with your research for the story.
 
This is quite interesting. I must agree with the cliche thing though, the 'ready to die' for the cause gets thrown around alot.
 
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