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Beholder (1 Viewer)

Clayman

Senior Member
Pieces, falling away.
Black tinsel regatta
taints the taste of day.
My wish, a spoon
in the beholder's eye...
I remember believing
in reasons to cry.

Life, the puppet show
hiding our unkept nails
and calloused palms
dissipates...
I breathe in.
Gray questions
mark the checklists
Stapled to my heart.
Perfect smiles.

What else is a heart
than a finely tuned drum
of crimson tone
waiting to be played?
Even when alone
it can still be hurt.
So I've heard.

I plunge to rosy knees,
hoping promises can be more
than strawberries
touched by velvet knuckles.
I pace along these walls,
a blind man,
searching for your voice...

-Svw
 
Last edited:

Nick

WF Veterans
I plunge to rosy knees,
hoping promises can be more
than strawberries
touched by velvet knuckles.

The whole last stanza is a grand finale that can dizzy the reader with this image. The way it plays on the tongue, with the appealing words 'strawberry' and 'knuckle' only add to the beautiful comparison you make.


I think some metaphors and comparisons in this aren't entirely necessary and can overwhelm you, since the poem is filled with them as it is. I would look at the more effective ones, and consider toning down some of the lesser metaphors, or getting rid of them entirely. Less is more!

The lack of rhythm isn't too much of a problem in reading, except in the second stanza where it is very broken, and as a result breaks the flow.

Overall, a beautiful poem that could do with a little editing to make some of the truly wonderful pieces of language in this shine through and commit to the reader's memory.
 

Chesters Daughter

WF Veterans
It's been far too long since you've graced this page, Shawn. Wonderful to read you again. Again, your very original imagery strikes me brilliantly, and your language, as always, is lovely. I, personally, had no problem with the flow in S2. The only thing I think you might want to look at is the rapid switch in the images, it feels a bit disjointed because your images are so vivid and are jumping from one picture to another it's a bit of an overload. But the piece is prime material nonetheless. Another wonderful read, love.

Best,
Lisa
 
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