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Beginning to my story (1 Viewer)

allyson17white

Senior Member
The young boy ventured through the forest swiping at small plants and stabbing large green leaves that hung from the trees. Coming to a small clearing he spotted a sparkling pond and ran over to it. Careful not to slip on the wet clay beneath his bare feet the boy inched his way to the edge of the pond looking for any frogs that might be within reach. Using a branch to keep steady he walked around the edge, every once in a while he would hear a large plop in front of him and look up just in time to see a large shiny brown frog diving deep into the mud raising a cloud of dust. By the time he had reached it the dust had settled and the frog was nowhere to be seen. After he had circled the pond he wondered away, back into the woods. When he had reached a large field he came to a gigantic oak tree with branches thick enough and low enough for him to climb. Setting his branch on the side of the tree he started his ascent up the tall oak. When he reached the middle of the tree he stopped to look around. From this height he could see where the field ended and a dirt road began, and on the side of the road sat a comfortable two story cabin. The tall overgrown grass covered the flat land where a corn field used to be before his family lived there. Then the little boy noticed the setting sun ducking under the horizon. He knew he would get a through scolding if he was not back soon. He was lowering himself down the tree carefully and had almost reached the ground when he slipped and fell hard into the tall grass bellow.
“Are you ok?” Came a man’s voice from above him.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” The boy answered to the stranger as he pulled himself up from the ground. “Who are you?” He asked as he brushed the dead leaves from his shirt.
“My name is Keio.” Said the man giving a slight bow. “What is yours?”
“Um, my name’s David.” The young boy answered.
“Ah, then you are who I was looking for. I thought so.” He said smiling to himself.
“Why where you looking for me?”
“I have something for you.” He replied pulling shiny metal object out from his pocket.
“What is it?” the boy asked leaning forward to peer into his hand.
“This is called a conductor.”
“What does it do?” David wondered staring at the golden chain that held a small green gem.
“It helps you to learn how to use your gifts.” the man told him.
“What gifts?”
“Gifts, talents you will learn about later. But not now, you’re not ready yet.” He handed the boy the necklace and turned to walk away into the forest. He stopped to steal one last glance of the boy before he walked away. Later that night David examined the gem under the light of his desk lamp. The stone was slightly transparent with an obvious green hue and it seemed to glow from the inside though there wasn’t any light source for it to be coming from. David thought for sure it was the way the light was reflecting off of the stone. As he studied the light it flickered as the gem spun and the image of the stone faded away into darkness until no light remained.

(So I this is a rewrite of the first bit of my first chapter. I think it is an improvement but i don't know if it's really any good.)
my teacher liked it...
 

Potty

WF Veterans
Here are my opinions, reject them or accept them as you see fit :)

The technique you use to introduce the two character names is somewhat clunky. The fact that I am following a nameless character round to begin with stops me from forming a connection. If you had opened with:

David ventured through the forest - etc

Then it goes one step closer to me forimg a connection with the character. It also means that you don't need the akward introduction when the characters meet:

“My name is Keio.” Said the man giving a slight bow. “What is yours?”
“Um, my name’s David.” The young boy answered.
“Ah, then you are who I was looking for. I thought so.” He said smiling to himself.
“Why where you looking for me?”

This all seems rather un-natural. Similar to a conversation you might find an akward man and a disinterested woman might have at a bar.

"Hi."
"Hi."
"You okay?"
"Yup."
"So what's your name then?"
"Suzie."
"Are you going to ask me for mine?"
"No."
"Oh, why not?"
"Because your attempt to dazzle me with your pick up is failing so I didn't want to futhur the plot by asking for your name. Now go away."

See what I mean? In real life introductions like the one you've written are rare and usually only seen in formal settings. A real life introduction might go as follows (keep in mind the reader already knows the boys name which makes this work a little better.):

"You there!" Shouted an elderly man. He was advancing toward David at a surprising turn of speed. David was unable to pick himself up and get away before the man reached him. "Give me your name boy."
"Sod off mister. Don't go giving me name to strangers." (um... sorry, this is what I would have said, don't know your character well enough to suggest his tone of voice)
"I'm looking for a young master David. Perhaps you know where he is eh?"
"Might do, what of it?"
"I have something for him, it's very special."
"If I know David as well as I should, I think he already knows about your sort. You can keep your special objects to yourself." The elderly gent sighs with frustration.
"Ok look, I can see we've got off on the wrong foot. I know you're David becuase you've just carved your name into that tree you fell out of." He pulls the necklace thing out of his pocket. Davids eyes widen with greed.
"Right you are guv', 'ere; Wot's yer name? I needs to know on account of me tellin' the local constabulary about strange old men offering pretty trinkets to young boys."


And so on. I'm not saying this is how it should be, just trying to show you how a more informal introduction might go. Please don't think I'm trying to change your work, just offer some contrast. Other than that you have my interest, looking forward to seeing where the story goes.

Also, strange old men running up to young boys is something of a concern regardless of your setting :p
 

allyson17white

Senior Member
See what I mean? In real life introductions like the one you've written are rare and usually only seen in formal settings.

Also, strange old men running up to young boys is something of a concern regardless of your setting :p

I understand what your saying and obviously think your writing is better than mine wither it fits the story or not but honestly I was trying to make their intro odd because my character, Keio, always talks very formal except for a few times, so I actually did that on purpose. I think I left out his age (which I need to fix) but in this seen he is nine so I'm trying to make him seem a little freaking out about the intro (he thinks it's odd) but not so much so that he is scared or nervous of Keio. Just suspicious. I've gone over this enough to know what I want it to look like I just got to figure out how to get it written down right. But really thanks, I do like your advise very much.
 

Silenced

Senior Member
You have room for improvement, but who doesn't after all? I'm a little intrigued about these 'gifts'. Will these gifts be superhuman or an extraordinary talent?
 

allyson17white

Senior Member
You have room for improvement, but who doesn't after all? I'm a little intrigued about these 'gifts'. Will these gifts be superhuman or an extraordinary talent?

Thanks. I think I need like a personal teacher in writing or something. But I swear I'm being tortured right now because my school won't even give me an English class. Oh, and as far as the gifts go its a power over the elements, shhh. I'm a nature loving person.
 

Silenced

Senior Member
Sound's interesting. And I'm currently working on a short story and people haven't really given me corrections on my writing so far so I'm hoping that I could get better on this forum. And from the looks of it you can probably learn a lot from this site and the user's here. Post more once you are able to.
 

ZayneJ

Senior Member
Your dialogue flows pretty well. I have always been fond of the idea of throwing little actions in between the dialogue, as opposed to just having my characters going through quotation battles with each other.
 

allyson17white

Senior Member
Yeah, whats your story about? just curious. But I will post more when I can. Its confusing sometimes though, one of my teachers says its good and I know I'm not the worst writer in my class some other teachers seem to think I write ok and then there's another teacher who doesn't care. (I don't share my work with many people I know) Any way by that logic, although I'm not the best, I think I do ok at least for my grade and age and all. But that's just me trying to encourage myself, anyways posting, work, got it. Thanks. :biggrin:
 

ZayneJ

Senior Member
I actually just posted the first chapter of my story in the "Fantasy, Sci-Fi, and Horror" sub thread. If you are interested in reading it, I would love the feedback. Its a pretty complex story in my head, so it lends itself better to being read than explained.

I know how you feel though, I don't share my work all that often either, but the people I do share with are pretty receptive. I feel like I do fine.
 

Doc_Thom

Senior Member
I like the concept, but I think you could be far more patient in setting the scene and developing the characters. Remember that while you can picture the scene perfectly, your readers need all the help they can get to see what you're seeing. Keep going!
 

tabasco5

Senior Member
Forget Potty's recommendations, the story reads very well as it is IMO. I like simple dialogue and yours is simple and reasonable and realistic. Good introduction, good dialogue, good start to the story. Keep it up!
 

JamesOliv

Senior Member
I would call it "quirky" if I had to label it. That can be either good or bad depending upon your intention.

I like unnamed characters doing things. That's just a personal preference of mine. It helps me form a closer connection to the character but only works when there are relatively few characters in the overall work. I liked it. I also get what you are going for with the formal speech. I wrote about a character with a very affected speech pattern, so his words were always very formal and proper. But if you are going to have such a character, you might consider having them interact with some people who "talk normally" to illustrate that the formal speech is a character trait, not a limitation on your ability to write realistic dialogue. Things like that help a reader discern whether the formal speech is intentional or not.

But, I like it. It doesn't look like a genre I would normally read, however, I had fun reading it just the same. Keep writing.
 

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