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Beautiful uncertainty (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
When I was a child,
I used to surf in the ocean of uncertain waves,
But the uncertainty had that real tangy taste of unknown thrills
To make me feel the life, as some flight to an unknown sky,
Where as much I could think,
Where as much I could try.
But with the passage of time,
The lines of stairs following that sky,
Started disappearing one by one,
All those curious neurons,
dying death gradually,
And all those stars of paramount imagination,
I was left with none.
Now I am just walking with,
Tools of predictability,
Inside that durable, safe, cage of,
Realistic certainity.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really interesting piece, I’ve left a few comments for you below:

When I was a child,
I had all those dreamy thoughts,
Or, lovely thoughtful dreams,
personal preference but I feel the piece is stronger without these two lines
I used to surf in the ocean of uncertain waves,
But the uncertainty had that real tangy taste of life I feel like your telling rather than showing, I’d expand on tangy
To make me feel the life, as life.
The uncertainty, that used to rejuvenate me.
The uncertainty, that used to activate me.
I went for voyage of time as my youth The syntax here confuses me as a reader
I had sailed too far.
Coasts were so much visible to me.
Certainity was in front of me I feel like again you need to expand on the idea here
But why was it scaring me?
For being predictable?
That these coasts were no more different from,
The coasts, my mother too had seen after her voyage. For me the mention of the mother comes completely from nowhere, it needs to be built into the rest of the piece for me.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

Hope this helps you, can’t wait to see how this one develops

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Thanks Syd for sincerely reading it with all interest. I will try incorporating your suggestions. Then I will send revised version here.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
When I was a child,
I used to surf in the ocean of uncertain waves,
But the uncertainty had that real tangy taste of unknown thrills
To make me feel the life, as some flight to an unknown sky,
Where as much I could think,
Where as much I could try.
But with the passage of time,
The lines of stairs following that sky,
Started disappearing one by one,
All those curious neurons,
dying death gradually,
And all those stars of paramount imagination,
I was left with none.
Now I am just walking with,
Tools of predictability,
Inside that durable, safe, cage of,
Realistic certainity.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

Hi Syd
I am hereby incorporating your suggestions in my poem. Though it is different from my earlier imagination. But this was how I felt like writing, couldn't have other feel than that. Your views are important, please do find time to send here. All other readers are also invited to send your views about my this poem here.

Love and regards
Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello, really like the revision, it’s definitely different to the original but it still embodies the spirit of your original intentions. For me there is a much better flow now.

Cheers

Syd
 
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