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Beautiful Things Are Birthed As Two (1 Viewer)

Nate Gallon

Senior Member
Beautiful woman in my bed and I want to hang myself.
I don't think I'd want to anymore if I tried it,
But only certain people know this feeling of self pity.
Sure, you may be properly depressed, homeless, can't keep a job, or find romance,
But if you have things,
The should-be things,
And you're feeling this
You're a certain person with unique distress;
And you feel as though you're under duress,
Held hostage by the black sun in your chest;
Shines so cold
Shines so brightly,
And you're slighted by the possibility of growing old, dying alone.
All alone;
Just a spot on the carpet where you fell and had your last breaths;

Or you're just ungrateful.
Ungrateful mess;
And it isn't your fault;
You just need to rest.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Some decent turns of phrase throughout the piece, particularly liked black sun in the chest. But even the imagery struggles to overcome an awkward rhyme scheme that adds an almost inapproperiate sing song tone. As to the tone of the narrator, they do a good job of invoking the frustrations of those who have little patience for self pity. To wit L3. Just because they do not revel in it does not mean they have no comprehension of the situation. Basic human nature, even very young children will throw pity parties.

As to mechanics. Perspective switches from first to second person, which can be disorienting. It also comes into direct conflict with L3, when the narrator tells the audience that only certain people understand. And suddenly, I becomes you...bit of a hard sell on that point. And be aware of conjugation of adjectives. e.g. L 11, 12 cold, brightly. Keep it consistent. Light can be bright, eyes can gleam coldly, pick which one works best, but try not to mix and match.

Honest opinion: Start at L5 with the should be things. Read aloud both as is and starting at that line. Consider what you hear. By starting at this point, a fair bit of filler weight comes off and the perspective switch is no longer an issue. L4, serving as little more than a laundry list of life.

There is potential, but this needs a thorough edit.

- D.
 
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