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Ballroom Story (1 Viewer)

You slipped on your behind in those
ballroom shoes, tap-dancing and making
a scene was what the partygoers did.
But all you did was tell your story:
a ballroom story, where the marble floor
creates a dance of smoke into your nose.
All you did was engulf the air, flail your
arms around seeking your words of seduction.
The very thing that leaves you breathless.
Think you can suck air out of me?
No, all you want to do is live.
But these days the story remains true.
All you want to do is live like a goddess,
sitting on your wooden throne,
smoking a pipe, wearing your silky pantaloons.
You want to chat about sex and drugs,
But the story of your life remains true.
All you want to do is flip the bird
and incite laughter in your attempts
to seduce men.
But is that the whole story?

As you jackhammer voices in your head,
making sure you don’t lose your mind.
Leave it to professionals my dear.
Take time to foxtrot the night away,
As all you have done was tell the story.
The story of lies, seduction, drugs, and sex.
I know your attitude will digress but at least
you are happy.
With your cocktail dress glittering at the ballroom.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
You slipped on your behind in those
ballroom shoes, tap-dancing and making
a scene was what the partygoers did.
But all you did was tell your story:
a ballroom story, where the marble floor
creates a dance of smoke into your nose.
All you did was engulf the air, flail your
arms around seeking your words of seduction.
The very thing that leaves you breathless.
Think you can suck air out of me?
No, all you want to do is live.
But these days the story remains true.
All you want to do is live like a goddess,
sitting on your wooden throne,
smoking a pipe, wearing your silky pantaloons.
You want to chat about sex and drugs,
But the story of your life remains true.
All you want to do is flip the bird
and incite laughter in your attempts
to seduce men.
But is that the whole story?

As you jackhammer voices in your head,
making sure you don’t lose your mind.
Leave it to professionals my dear.
Take time to foxtrot the night away,
As all you have done was tell the story.
The story of lies, seduction, drugs, and sex.
I know your attitude will digress but at least
you are happy.
With your cocktail dress glittering at the ballroom.

I've read both your poems. I don't know if I'm correct but it seems like there is a lot of anger against women, or one woman in particular?

What I like about this piece is your characterization of the woman. I like the smoke in the atmosphere. I get the impression that she is sucking the air out of the room...as she smokes her pipe, moving around in her slinky dress in the dark, smoky atmosphere...I can imagine myself there.

My favorite line is "...but at least you are happy. With your cocktail dress glittering at the ballroom". This line makes me feel compassion for the woman. It's like there is an overwhelming sadness associated with her.

I'm not skilled in critiquing for poetic structure and the like...maybe someone else will stop by with more feedback.

I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing
 
Thanks happy-hippie, this poem was something I wanted to write for a long time, I used to have something against women but I seem to have calmed a bit down. I actually used to have something against men but that was a long time ago. I wanted to write different things with gender so this one was a piece I worked on for a little while.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Thanks happy-hippie, this poem was something I wanted to write for a long time, I used to have something against women but I seem to have calmed a bit down. I actually used to have something against men but that was a long time ago. I wanted to write different things with gender so this one was a piece I worked on for a little while.

I loved reading your poem.

Thanks

Ritu
 
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