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Awhile (1 Viewer)

LoveofWriting

Senior Member
Love it, I also find the rhythm of the piece extra delicious if it were food. I also love the message conveyed here. You might want to get rid of the ellipsis's, I know it's for added effect but it feels a little jarring.
 

apple

WF Veterans
I can feel it inside myself and outside. I can see that day and I can hear its sounds. A beautiful little poem that truly brushed my skin with a tingling vibration of well being. Love, love love, this.
"but the wind...blustery
luscious and alive"
 

Mr.Mingo

Senior Member
Good morning! Very nice poem, just had a few notes.

Your title for the poem on the thread start and in the post are different. Just confused me for a minute or two, so I figured I'd let you know.

I'm not sold on the "D" being capitalized at the start of the poem. There's no period to end it and the uncomfortable conversational tone doesn't really warrant a strong start with "Dead" being yelled out with a capital. Probably reading too much into the word, but oh well. You also don't start any other true sentence with a capital, so it doesn't fit for me.

I'm not sold on your first ellipsis. Doesn't add too much and feels a bit off because it could better be replaced with a word or possibly semi-colon/colon. The second works with tone setting.

Love your line breaks. They emphasize the feelings behind the words and pair with the imagery and theme. Rare I get to say that as most don't know what to do with them.

Dead weight on the door
and into the unknown

I feel like this stanza is a bit too telling. The ellipsis after okay and the imagery of stanza two hit this same sort of feeling with subtlety. The second line is also sort of cliché, overused poetic language. Lastly, as I mentioned earlier, it hits too hard with its darker language. Feels more forced.

I like the concentration of this poem. I think it takes a complex feeling and consolidates it into something malleable for the audience. Overall, good job.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Finite moment. A literal instant when one goes total dead weight on a big door in order to get it open, and sensation takes control; the mind itself lifts free chasing the buffet of warm wind.

These glass rabbit moments are unknowns, a hyperfocus crack in reality that most people will never comprehend. It might be cliche, but it is a literal embodiment of the instance, the truest representation that which cannot be described. (Dodo bird who travels by way of an Einstein-Rosen bridge and cannot explain how it does so...)

Working from an atypical neurotype standpoint, literal work without metaphor can toss readers for a loop. (Blue curtains.)

Adjusted punctuation, so my capital can stay, but keep in mind with poetry capitalisation is at the author's discretion. The capital is the start of the thought, (fragments are permissible). As to thread titles, those cannot be adjusted and both awhile and a while are recognised as correct.

Appreciate the read and insight.

- D.
 

Mr.Mingo

Senior Member
Finite moment. A literal instant when one goes total dead weight on a big door in order to get it open, and sensation takes control; the mind itself lifts free chasing the buffet of warm wind.

These glass rabbit moments are unknowns, a hyperfocus crack in reality that most people will never comprehend. It might be cliche, but it is a literal embodiment of the instance, the truest representation that which cannot be described. (Dodo bird who travels by way of an Einstein-Rosen bridge and cannot explain how it does so...)

To me, these descriptions here showcased great ways to improve your first stanza by breaking away from its inherent ambiguities in its current state. I especially like the bridge concept, though it does feel a little lofty for the rest of the poems language and tone.


Adjusted punctuation, so my capital can stay, but keep in mind with poetry capitalisation is at the author's discretion. The capital is the start of the thought, (fragments are permissible). As to thread titles, those cannot be adjusted and both awhile and a while are recognised as correct.

All poetry or writing is at the author's discretion, I was simply calling it for what it made me think. But you should also keep in mind that all poetry writing is subject to personal interpretation and preference by the readers and, since the readers far exceed the author, they tend to be more relevant. I know, that's a very reader response way of thinking, but the structuralists and especially the postmoderns tend to agree too. Fragments are certainly permissable, but when they appear to start as full sentences and then somewhat deviate, it just looks like two concepts being used at once. Just my two cents, and I'm only one reader of many. I won't push it any further.

The title is something a mod could fix. That, however, is if you were interested in fixing it, which you appear not to be. It does look rather odd to me, though you explained to me and are, of course, correct. Just aesthetic business for me.

Anyways, thanks for responding. Love discussing this stuff.
 
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