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autobiographical, i really need help with it (1 Viewer)

J

JustAnOrdinaryGirl

my teacher asked me to write on for speech, the problem is i dont understand if i did it right. does anyone see the significant point in my essay?
*********************************************************

The doorbell rang and I sprang out of my room while Tommy raced out of the kitchen to go answer the door. It was the first time in a long time that we didn’t check through the window first, a huge mistake. Just as I was reaching for the doorknob I noticed something, the form that I could just make out through the curtain of the door seemed frighteningly familiar. My fingers were grazing the door just as I was making the connection, and then my little brother must have pushed my hand away because suddenly my hand was resting by my side and he was scooting away from the doorframe.
“Hey Kidos.” It was a deep raspy voice that anyone in the house could recognize immediately. In the blink of an eye Tommy had vanished from the site. I love reading, and one thing that I know is described the same in every book is fear. Feet glued to the ground, heart jumping out their chest, their body suddenly becomes immobilized, that's what I felt. It wasn’t until my mom from somewhere off to the side said, “Get away from the door” did I regain my senses. The problem was He was already standing at the door with nothing between us.
About five or six years ago my mom divorced Him, and for good reasons. He left us his family without money, a car, a home… My brother he was just a baby then, and my sister somewhere around pre-k, I was in second. Even when I was younger I would be a victim. He’d yank me by the hair and place his heavy hands on my shoulder forcing me to look through teary eyes into his hard yellow ones, occasionally shaking me. It was like a cartoon, he’d be yelling with hot spit falling all over my face mixing with my tears and then he’d spank me. Hard, even when I didn’t do anything, I hate looking people in the eye…

And then came Andres, with sweets, stuffed animals, and medicine for when I was sick. He had never paid child support or anything, but Andres…Andres was ready to put me through college and buy me that car I’ve always wanted. For a while, after my mom married him everything seemed perfect. We had all the money we needed and more, we had fun, it was as if Andres had been are father all along. Everything was fine and dandy until He showed up again.
He doesn’t have a house or car, his mommy and daddy allow Him to live with him and use their car. We had not only one but two vehicles and a three bedroom house with our own cat. He wanted what we had and one way to do that in his mind was get the children, and take the parents out of the picture. Apparently he was desperate because he did something that through our lives into turmoil, something so unbelievable…he hired a witch. “Do you believe in voodoo” my mom asked me one day. Of course not I thought, “That’s just silly. Voodoo is for movies and stories, not real life.” But as the year progressed strange things started happening. Doors and televisions just seemed to have a mind of their own. Nightmares and strange noises kept us up at night. Tommy got sick the week of his birthday, and when we took him to the doctor, they were puzzled that they couldn’t find out what was wrong. We were constantly at each others throats. Cocopuff, my recently deceased cat, would find strange powder and voodoo dolls buried in our yard. And then we couldn’t even remember anything we did to harm each other. We had to get our house blessed and a witch doctor to make it all go away. It was the strangest feeling. It was like I had woken up after sleeping nonstop for months with only a few unclear memories. When the tornado hit His witch died and we saw an even bigger calm. Everything was peaceful again, that is right until He showed up at the door where I stayed frozen in fear.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
it's pretty confused/confusing, sorry to say... time frame seems to jump all over the place... and having no paragraph breaks makes it worse...

plus, is this really meant to be a totally true story?... even the witch/witch doctor stuff?... not easy to believe, as you can well imagine...

needs a lot of work... too much to deal with here... if you want some help with correcting/polishing it, drop me a line...

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]
 

jtassinaro

Senior Member
There's a lot of potential here!!

JustAnOrdinaryGirl said:
I love reading, and one thing that I know is described the same in every book is fear. Feet glued to the ground, heart jumping out their chest, their body suddenly becomes immobilized, that's what I felt.

Get rid of the I love reading part of this. I'd go right into, "My feet were glued to the floor, my body immobilized, and my heart felt as if it were jumping out of my chest." Or something along those lines. You're taking your reader out of the story with the whole "I like to read..." thing.

JustAnOrdinaryGirl said:
It was like a cartoon, he’d be yelling with hot spit falling all over my face mixing with my tears and then he’d spank me.


The cartoon comment makes me think of those cartoons where the spit is dripping off the character being yelled at, and it kind of makes me laugh. With something this serious you don't want your audience thinking of something funny like that if you want to keep the serious tone. Maybe say something like, "His face was so close I could feel his hot breath on me. Droplets of saliva would land on my face as he vehemently spat his words out."

JustAnOrdinaryGirl said:
Hard, even when I didn’t do anything, I hate looking people in the eye.

This doesn't make sense. The way you have it, "Hard" isn't describing anything. It's supposed to be describing spank, but spank is in the previous sentance.


JustAnOrdinaryGirl said:
Doors and televisions just seemed to have a mind of their own. Nightmares and strange noises kept us up at night. Tommy got sick the week of his birthday, and when we took him to the doctor, they were puzzled that they couldn’t find out what was wrong. We were constantly at each others throats. Cocopuff, my recently deceased cat, would find strange powder and voodoo dolls buried in our yard. And then we couldn’t even remember anything we did to harm each other. We had to get our house blessed and a witch doctor to make it all go away. It was the strangest feeling. It was like I had woken up after sleeping nonstop for months with only a few unclear memories. When the tornado hit His witch died and we saw an even bigger calm. Everything was peaceful again, that is right until He showed up at the door where I stayed frozen in fear.

Your last paragraph jumps around a lot.

I'd say get rid of the parts about the TV's and Doors, along with being constantly at eachother's throats. Expand on the nightmares and noises. Show don't tell! (sorry a teacher in HS banged that in our heads) What did the noises and sound like? What kind of nightmares? Why did the nightmare and noises keep them awake? What kind of Voodoo dolls did the cat find? Did they look like family members, have needles in different areas of the body? You get the idea.


There are other things that could be adjusted here and there. These are the major things that jumped out at me. Like I said there is a lot of potential here!!
 
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