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The second swordsmen should be swordsman—the article is singular and so the subject should be as well.Swordsmen were common in Witscar, but it was rare to see one in Pachasan. Even rarer to see a Shadow Swordsmen, with their strange, exotic looking armor, jet-black hair, and darker skin.
Sadly, bloodstone is not red but rather a dark hunter green with red flecks. It’s the red flecks that gives the stone its name. I think the comma isn’t quite strong enough to marry these two fragments.He correctly identified a bright red rock as polished bloodstone, which is used to make pendants for amplifying one’s innate power.
This was a little confusing. I thought that the centerpiece was a man for a second which doesn’t make any sense. I would re-word it to something like, “The centerpiece was a miniature bone statue of a man sitting on tiny crossed legs. Where his belly should have been was a hollow bulb with a tiny, carved flame inside.”It was a man, a miniature bone statue sitting on tiny crossed legs. Where his belly should have been was a hollow bulb with a tiny, carved flame inside.
I thought it was Waloc’s journal.Arjuna nodded and returned to reading Kapuc’s story about the looming storm cloud.
The tense changed in the second sentence. I’m not sure why the speaker wants to tell us his forehead was smooth as silk and typically you don’t need to say “unpeel” but rather peel.The wind blew through me and took my fear with it, straight off the backside of the mountain. I sit, looking at the storm cloud, forehead smooth like silk, and unpeel a mandarin.
Much better! And yes, she’s pretty. She wouldn’t stand out in her town but the second sentence explains why she stood out to Mokai.Her family was ten generations in Pachasan, and her large, green eyes and longish nose were as distinctly local as the Pachan potato. Still, something about her high cheekbones and full lips made her seem more exotic than any woman Mokai had seen since arriving in town. He sipped his tea while watching her with growing interest.
Mokai’s mind was delightfully ensnared by the rhythm of her swaying body as she sidestepped about the room with her broom.
The first sentence is a muddled mess and it’s confusing. I preferred the original version of this part. Maybe it can be integrated as “As she passed Mokai’s table he caught the scent of her body. He was overtaken by the heady smell of her natural fragrance; the salt of her sweat from working over the stove, the disorienting pheromones lingering in the air around her. A tingle in his belly started to slither up his spine.”As she passed Mokai’s table, the scent of her body revealed intoxicating secrets, as he discerned the salt of her sweat from working over the stove, and was charmed by the heady pheromones lingering in the air. A tingle in his belly started to slither up his spine.
I like how her earrings betray her but “discretely glance” seems a bit redundant to me. I always felt like a glance was more discrete than a regular look.She tossed the dirt out into the street, and then returned to sweep some more. She kept trying to discretely glance her curious green eyes into Mokai’s direction, but her swinging wooden earrings betrayed her stealth as they waved wildly each time she would turn her head.
I think he could just breathe out. I don’t think it needs to emphasize the force of his breath.He breathed out with imperceptible force, and the air brushed upon her shoulders, sending goosebumps racing down her neck and into the neckline of her dress.
I liked how the majority of this scene—most of the sensations we get are from him--was from his point of view and this sudden focus on hers is a bit unnerving. Maybe instead of a whimper it could be a small moan or something similar and the rest of the sentence could be dropped. I suggest moan because it would imply that she is turned on and not actually frightened without the confusing reference to her lady bits at the end. Maybe she could even actively seek his touch? This is a girl who is preparing herself for a one-night stand. Maybe, once he’s touching her, she’s more bold than coy?He backed her up slowly until her backside was pressing against the side of the wooden counter. A tiny whimper escaped from her lips as he pressed himself into her and sent a surge of carnal sensation down into her most sensitive nerves.
A bit of juice dribbled into my beard, and I delight in having a beard now.
Mokai’s mind was delightfully ensnared by the rhythm of her swaying body as sidestepped about the room with her broom.
She kept trying to discretely glance her curious green eyes into Mokai’s direction...
Unlike the patrons who normally sit in these seats, the man wasn’t using the seatback...