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Art in the Entropy (1 Viewer)

Grimus

Member
Planting..
Reaping..
Seems so..
Fleeting


Sometimes life, is simply getting water.
Water...
Sometimes life, is simply getting water.


Moss can't gather on a rolling stone.
But, nothings gained on the stone that rolls.


Through the trees comes a violent breeze.
Make a bed on the ground, fire from debris.


Ash on the rot, for the worms beneath.
Ash on the rot, for the worms beneath.


Both sides broken, and they never heal.
Spiral Spokes on the witches wheel.


We're manifested in the crack of a broken seal.


Yeah, the rock kept rolling and he lost his home.
Landed in a stream, and dissolved until gone.


But on its way out, it nourished my root.
I'm a tree bearing seeds, and the birds eat my fruit.


Through this trees comes a violent breeze.
Make a bed on the ground, fire from debris.


Ash on the rot, for the worms beneath.
Ash on the rot, for the worms beneath.


The predators hide to remain unseen.
The slow and the weak are easy eat.


The path most traveled.
The path picked clean.


The path least traveled.
Filled with failed remains


Get what you need, but you better leave.
If you get too greedy, then your wheels sink.


Sometimes life, is simply getting water.
Sometimes life, is simply getting water.


Sometimes life, is simply getting water.




Both sides broken, and they never heal.
Spiral spokes on the witches wheel.


We're manifested in the crack of a broken seal.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello.

I like this, for me it feels like a performance piece. Although I wouldn’t argue that this is my wheel house I’ll try and leave so comments for you.

For me I feel like the piece could be condensed a little, by that I mean the use of couplets rather than stanzas makes the piece feel a little disconnected, you don’t give yourself a chance to create a flow to it, when I’m reading it aloud it feels stop starty. Not a bad thing when you get to a portion of the piece where you want to make an impact or draw attention to a specific aspect of what you’re saying but it needs to be a device that you ration so that it has that impact.

You mention water repeatedly throughout, but is there a way to make us get a sense of water’s movement? I think you could build around the image, feel and sound of water moving and that would really help anchor the piece.

Finally you use “..” in the opening, generally it should be, “...” when using ellipsis.

Overall I’m looking forward to where you take this,

Cheers

Syd
 

Grimus

Member
My lyrical posts are already put to music.. This particular song was very difficult to work with musically.. Every separate track had a variable tempo so they were constantly falling out of sync and then realigning.. It was probably the most difficult music track to work with but I enjoy challenges. The references to water was more like focusing on the bare basics instead of everything being exciting.. The imagery is more of a tree just standing there waiting for water, that is its life.. focusing on the basics.. The rock that is rolling is symbolic of not focusing on the basics and focusing on exciting stuff.. The rock lost its home while rolling.. then.. it finally landed in a stream where it stopped.. and was eventually eroded by the water.. But after "party time" was over, the aftermath resulted in it inadvertently helping the tree gain more of its nutrition.. It would have been better for the rock to have stayed put and gathered moss, which is representative to its own wealth or eco system... It gave that up for a life of adventure.. and in its frivolousness, what little wealth it had was collected by the tree which has no interest in such adventures.. as long as it gets the basics, it is happy.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Hi Grimus,

When I read this, I did read it as a song...so I was interested to read that you did already put into music. I like how it flows.
I don't have any techinical advice. I did like this line: The path least travelled, filled with failed remains...very interesting.
 
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