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Arabici (1 Viewer)

Elenxes_II

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]“It’s beautiful,” Liam said.

“What is?” Nathan asked.

“The stars. So many of them we haven’t counted them all… and we never will. It’s fitting, I think. People’s greatest efforts’ll be worth less than a plug nickel.”

“You’re right,” Nathan said. “Good ol’ Arabici will wipe us out, leaving nothing but a shell of radio waves and a couple spacecraft. That’ll be all.”

“It’s depressing,” Liam said.

“I think it’s liberat’n. There’s no reason to fight in our final days,” Nathan responded. “Hey, are you religious?”

“I guess. I was raised a Christian, and never really stopped. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I wondered what you think about, like, God and shit from this,” Nathan said.

“Aside from the depression? It’s a good way to go,” Liam said. “All things considered. Nobody’ll be spared. It’ll be instantaneous according to the scientists. No pain, we won’t even live long enough to see the impact. Perfectly fair and clean.”

“You’re not angry? I wouldn’t be able to keep faith if I was you,” Nathan said.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Faith suffers innumerable challenges. This isn’t the worst one I’ve faced.” Liam sighed, and leaned his head against Nathan’s shoulder. He looked over the city, at the sea alight with moonlight.

“Ten weeks,” Nathan whispered. “That’s all we have ‘eft. Took me the rest of this year to realize what you meant to me.” He planted a soft kiss on Liam’s blond hair. “You still smell like that vintage cologne.”

“I’m an old man at heart,” Liam laughed. “But you know what? Dad gave me half his account, what with his accident. He wants us to go to Hawaii for the last day.”

“Why?” Nathan asked. “Why not have you here?”

“Me and my dad… haven’t been the closest,” Liam admitted. “We both said things we can’t take back, about my sister. He wants us to enjoy our time together.” Nathan mulled over that.

“I swear to you,” Nathan said, “We’ll live eighty years in ten weeks. When the curtain closes, I want to say I lived a life well-spent, even if I had to cut out a lot of it.”

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Liam was quiet for a long time. Nathan was quiet too.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I love you,” Liam said.

“I love you, too,” Nathan said, as he drew Liam in for another kiss.

[/FONT]
Arabici glowed in the southern sky, like an ember from Hell’s furnaces.
[FONT=&quot]
_________
An excerpt from a short story. What did you think? Was it a tearjerker?[/FONT]
 

JackSlater28

Senior Member
I enjoyed reading it. It's a good start to a short story leaning on the end the world. I'm not sure it's a tearjerker, as it's too short to really exert emotions. But then again, I'm not a very emotional person.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I like this a lot. I feel as if it just needs fleshing out here are there.


[FONT=&Verdana]“It’s beautiful,” Liam said.

“What is?” Nathan asked.

“The stars. So many of them we haven’t counted them all… and we never will. It’s fitting, I think. People’s greatest efforts’ll be worth less than a plug nickel.”

“You’re right,” Nathan said. “Good ol’ Arabici will wipe us out, leaving nothing but a shell of radio waves and a couple of spacecraft. That’ll be all.”

“It’s depressing,” Liam said.

“I think it’s liberat’n. <- Just write liberating. I stopped here to work it out. There’s no reason to fight in our final days,” Nathan responded “Hey, are you religious?”

“I guess. I was raised a Christian, and never really stopped. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I wondered what you think about, like, God and shit from this,” Nathan said.

“Aside from the depression? It’s a good way to go,” Liam said. “All things considered. Nobody’ll be spared. It’ll be instantaneous according to the scientists. No pain, we won’t even live long enough to see the impact. Perfectly fair and clean.”

“You’re not angry? I wouldn’t be able to keep faith if I was you,” Nathan said.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]“Faith suffers innumerable challenges. This isn’t the worst one I’ve faced.” Liam sighed, and leaned his head against Nathan’s shoulder. He looked over the city, at the sea alight with moonlight. <- These two words have too much in common to be this close together. 'Lit by moonlight', although you could bring another element into the description by saying 'glimmered with moonlight' something like would be better

“Ten weeks,” Nathan whispered. “That’s all we have ‘eft. <- 'left'. It sounds like he has a speech impediment here Took me the rest of this year to realize what you meant to me.” <- 'the rest of this year' makes this more a prediction than a statement of fact. He planted a soft kiss on Liam’s blond hair. “You still smell like that vintage cologne.”

“I’m an old man at heart,” Liam laughed. “But you know what? Dad gave me half his account, what with his accident. He wants us to go to Hawaii for the last day.”

“Why?” Nathan asked. “Why not have you here?”

“Me and my dad… haven’t been the closest,” Liam admitted. “We both said things we can’t take back, about my sister. He wants us to enjoy our time together.” Nathan mulled over that. <- New paragraph

“I swear to you,” Nathan said, “We’ll live eighty years in ten weeks. When the curtain closes, I want to say I lived a life well-spent, even if I had to cut out a lot of it.”

[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]Liam was quiet for a long time. Nathan was quiet too.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]“I love you,” Liam said.

“I love you, too,” Nathan said, as he drew Liam in for another kiss.

[/FONT]
Arabici glowed in the southern sky, like an ember from Hell’s furnaces.
[FONT=&Verdana]
_________
An excerpt from a short story. What did you think? Was it a tearjerker?[/FONT]
 
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