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Anyone help? (1 Viewer)

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captain_shev

Hi everyone - I'm kind of a newbie here, but I was hoping for some advice, and possibly some C&C... I've written a script for a 30 minute feature, based on a short story I read. The story is taken whole from Never Trust a Rabbit, but all the dialogue is my own - so any comments would be gratefully received, as it's my first screenplay, and also my first time submitting one onto a forum.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
hi, there, cap!... i mentor lots of aspiring screenwriters, so if you want me to give it a critical read, i'll be happy to oblige...

i do have to mention that if you use a recognizable copyrighted work as the basis for your short, you must have legal permission to do so... and, if you show it to anyone w/o having obtained same, can be sued for plagiarism, intellectual theft, and infringement of copyright, which is actually what you've 'committed'...

so, before you post it anywhere, and if you're thinking of submitting it to prodcos or competitions in the us, you'd better take a good look at all the relevant info on the loc [library of congress] site: www.copyright.gov ... in the uk, the laws governing such crimes and misdemeanors may be different...

for more info or help of any kind, feel free to email me any time...

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]
 
Last edited:
C

captain_shev

I've decided to take that as encouragement to post it. Thanks for your warnings mammamaia, but I'm not planning on selling this, so I think this will probably fall under fan fic, with all the relevant disclaimers: both plot and characters belong to Jeremy Dyson (who, incidentally, you should check out, as his short stories rock), and I merely pay homage to him in my own, slightly creepy kinda way.

So here goes

FIRST TIMES
PROLOGUE

OPEN IN STUDENTY LOOKING BEDROOM, MORNING. ROOM IS CLEARLY THE ROOM OF A SLIGHTLY LONELY GUY IN HIS MIDDLE TWENTIES. PORN MAGS ETC ALL OVER THE PLACE. MAN IN BED SWINGS HIS LEGS OUT OF THE BED, SITS UP, AND SCRATCHES HIS EAR, AS A BEAM OF MORNING SUNLIGHT ILLUMINATES HIS BEATIFIC SMILE. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THAT HE HAS ONLY ONE ARM.
- AS CREDITS SCROLL ACROSS SCREEN, SEE TWO LITTLE BOYS, CLEARLY BEST OF FRIENDS, PLAYING. WE SEE THAT ONE OF THEM HAS ONLY ONE ARM AS HE HAS TROUBLE CLIMBING TREE. OTHER KID IS ALREADY AT THE TOP, REACHING DOWN TO HELP HIM.
CUT TO: SCENE ONE
MAN WITH ONE ARM WORKING BEHIND BAR IN ARTS CAFE, MOLYNEUX BREEZES IN WITH NICE-LOOKING, WHOLESOMELY ATTRACTIVE GIRL ON ARM
MOLYNEUX: Hi, can't stay long - final exams today. It's so odd to think that in such a small space of time I'm going to be a doctor... saving lives, taking responsibility for people's very well-being...
GIRL: Well it's not like you haven't worked for it. I'd be upset about never seeing you if I wasn't so gosh-darned proud of you... Aren't you proud of him, Berry?
BERRY GRUNTS
GIRL: Well, I'd best be off to revise myself... Call me when it's all over, I'll be thinking of you
SHE LEANS OVER TO KISS MOLYNEUX ON THE CHEEK. SHE IS A VERY NICE GIRL. SHE LEAVES, LEAVING WAFT OF FRAGRANT AIR IN HER WAKE.
BERRY: She is a nice girl, isn't she?
MOLYNEAUX: (SLIGHT FROWN CREASING HIS FACE, SOMEHOW LEAVING HIM LOOKING ATTRACTIVELY THOUGHTFUL) Yes... It's just that we're so young, and so much is changing. I'd hate for her to make sacrifices to be with me, only to become disilllusioned with life and grow bitter with thoughts of what might have occurred if I had actively encouraged her to seek her own dream, follow her own talents... No, I think it's best we separate now, before we become too attached and she starts to resent me.
BERRY: Yeah, you've only been together... what, two years?
MOLYNEUX: Well, exactly. Not long in the course of eternity, is it?
BERRY: Mmm. Look, I need to ask you a favour. I really hate to do it... but I think I'm in a lot of trouble.
MOLYNEUX: Is this like the time you borrowed money from Woodhall? Look, you know you can always come to me about stuff like that. He was a nasty piece of work, but he never did actually hurt you. And the bank are fine about giving me a loan - I know you'd pay me back.
BERRY: No, it's nothing like that... It's
MOLYNEUX: A girl? Look, Shelley was not a very nice girl. I don't usually like to judge people, but, well... actually, I thought she was a bit of a [WHISPERED] cow. You weren't to know she was sleeping around. You must stop blaming yourself - it definitely wasn't because of your, you know, your arm. And 25 is in no way too old for being in love for the first time. You are totally normal. There has to be a first time for everything.
BERRY STARES AT HIM
BERRY: Actually, I've got hepatitis A.
MOLYNEUX PAUSES, MOMENTARILY SILENCED.
MOLYNEUX: Hep A? No need to worry, that's not the lethal kind... Pretty nasty all the same though... I suppose there is a first time for everything, but...[HE TAILS OFF FOR A MOMENT] Look Berry, I don't mean this to sound the wrong way, but you need someone around you. To help you. To just be there for you, guide you through stuff... give you medical advice perhaps. I've been thinking - why don't we move in together?
BERRY: What?
MOLYNEUX: We've been friends a long time. I'm moving out of my place, your bedsit's, well, rubbish; together we can afford a nicer flat. Why not?
BERRY:[WARILY] Alright.
MOLYNEUX STANDS, AND MOVES TO HUG HIM. BERRY STICKS HIS HAND OUT IN A VAIN ATTEMPT NOT TO GET HUGGED, BUT MOLYNEUX'S GENIAL ENTHUSIASM OVERRIDES.
CUT TO:
MOLYNEAUX AND BERRY SITTING IN LIVING ROOM, DRINKING BEER AND LAUGHING TOGETHER
CUT TO:
MOLYNEAUX BOUNCING A BALL PLAYFULLY IN HALL. TOSSES IT TO BERRY, WHO MISSES AS IT SAILS PAST HIS ARMLESS SIDE
CUT TO:
MOLYNEAUX STANDING IN SMALL BUT BEAUTIFULLY TIDY KITCHEN, COOKING
CUT TO:
BERRY SITTING IN HIS ROOM, LEAFING IDLY THROUGH SOME EXCEEDINGLY KINKY PORN. CLEARLY BORED, HE GETS UP AND WANDERS THROUGH THE FLAT, CAMERA FOLLOWING HIM AS HE CASUALLY CALLS FOR MOLYNEUX, AND GETTING NO ANSWER, GOES INTO MOLYNEAUX'S ROOM, WHICH IS, NATURALLY, TOTALLY IMMACULATE IN TASTE AND STYLE, NOT TO MENTION THE DAZZLING CLEANLINESS OF THE CARPETS. BERRY STARTS OPENING CUPBOARDS AND DRAWERS, LEAFING THROUGH MAGAZINES, CLEARLY ON A PORN HUNT. MOMENTARILY PAUSES ON WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BOTTLE OF LUBE, BUT DISCARDS IT AS IT IS TRAVEL SHAMPOO. THERE IS A TOTAL LACK OF ANYTHING REMOTELY INCRIMINATING - IN FACT, THE OCCUPANT OF THE ROOM SEEMS BARELY HUMAN. BERRY SCRAMBLES TO ATTENTION AS HE HEAR'S MOLYNEUX'S VOICE FLOATING THROUGH THE DOOR
MOLYNEUX: [FROM THE KITCHEN] Do you want some of this artichoke paella I'm making? It's smelling pretty good!
BERRY: Coming... [LOOKS WITH DISDAIN AT THE TOTALLY PURE ROOM, WALKS OUT, SHUTTING DOOR VERY QUIETLY)
CUT TO:
KITCHEN. TABLE IS LAID, FOOD LOOKS DELICIOUS, MOLYNEUX IS OPENING A COUPLE OF BEERS AS BERRY SITS DOWN
MOLYNEUX: [SERIOUSLY] Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about
BERRY ASSUMES GUILTY EXPRESSION
BERRY: Look, I was going to take the bins out last night, but I just forgot... I'm sorry... I...
MOLYNEUX: No, don't worry about that (I did them, by the way). No, I wanted to tell you something about myself... It's a bit difficult, that's all...
BERRY IMMEDIATELY PERKS UP
BERRY: You're my oldest mate, and I don't mind if you're gay
MOLYNEUX LOOKS BLANKLY AT HIM
BERRY: Or, if you know, you're into something really kinky. Like S&M. That's cool. Everyone has something in which they're - you know, not quite perfect. Or bestiality. Coprophilia?
MOLYNEUX: I think you're a little confused. Do you want to talk about something?
BERRY: No! It's just that, you know, no-one's perfect...
MOLYNEUX: Well actually...
BERRY: ...even you, and if there's something...
MOLYNEUX: ...it's been revealed to me that...
BERRY: ...something, anything that means that you're not perfect...
MOLYNEUX: I'm the Messiah.
PAUSE
BERRY: What?
MOLYNEUX: I am HE, called the Messiah by Jews, Christ by others. I am here to save the world, to lead by example...
BERRY: Shit...
MOLYNEUX: I know! It's hard to believe, isn't it?
BERRY: Well, I don't. Believe it.
MOLYNEUX: [SIGHS] I thought this would happen. I was granted special dispensation to... well, to make you believe. Don't expect me to do this again.
CUT TO:
BERRY IS BLINDED BY THE LIGHT OF A MILLION ANGELS, SURROUNDED BY THE PUREST WHITE DAZZLING SAMITE, DEAFENED BY THE NOISE OF ALL CREATION....
CUT TO:
BERRY LOOKING SHELL-SHOCKED, HAIR STANDING ON END, BACK IN THE KITCHEN.
MOLYNEUX: You see? Your flatmate hasn't just gone crazy!
BERRY: Have I?
MOLYNEUX: No. The thing is, I need you. It's a tough job trying to save the world single-handed. I'm supposed to show people the way, to help them through the misery of this cruel world we live in, to show them how to be better...
BERRY: So this is the Second Coming then?
MOLYNEUX: First actually, but I'm not going to shout about it.
BERRY: There's a first time for everything, I suppose. So if you're the Messiah, you can do what you want, right?
MOLYNEUX: It's not really a power-trip thing - I can't work like that, intervening directly with the laws of the world... I can only show people...
BERRY: But, you know, technically, you could help...
MOLYNEUX: Berry, please don't ask me.
BERRY: You could give me my arm back.
MOLYNEUX SIGHS
MOLYNEUX: I'm sorry. I really am.
 
C

captain_shev

CUT TO:
LAUNDRETTE. BERRY IS FEEDING COINS INTO THE MACHINE, LOADING IT UP. A DARK, SULTRY, REMARKABLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WALKS IN, WEARING JUST ENOUGH CLOTHING TO NOT BE CONSIDERED TARTY. SHE STARTS LOADING UP THE MACHINE NEXT TO BERRY'S WITH SCRAPS OF LACE, SNIPPETS OF SILK, AND ENOUGH SEXY BRAS TO OPEN UP HER OWN SHOP. BERRY SNEAKS A LOOK AT HER AND HER LOAD, AND IMMEDIATELY WISHES HE HADN'T.
WOMAN: Damn... [TURNS TO BERRY] You don't happen to have some extra 20 pences, do you?
BERRY: Umm, no... Sorry...
WOMAN: Are you sure?
BERRY DIGS INTO POCKET, AND, RATHER SURPRISED, PULLS OUT A HANDFUL OF 20P PIECES.
BERRY: Uhh, here you go...
WOMAN: [IN TONES OF BLACK VELVET] Thanks...
BERRY IS STUNNED BY HOW FILTHY SHE CAN MAKE THIS ONE WORD SEEM
BERRY: Ummm...
WOMAN: Listen, you don't happen to want a coffee when I've put my load on?
BERRY: [HIGH PITCHED SQUEALING NOISE] Yeah... You're gr... That sounds great. Great. Yeah. Great.
WOMAN: Wonderful... My place is just around the corner, if you don't mind instant gratification...
BERRY GULPS
WOMAN:[SMILES] Coffee.
BERRY NODS, SEEMINGLY AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. SHE SMILES SWEETLY, AND HOLDS OUT HER ARM FOR HIM. HE MOVES ROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE OF HER SO HE CAN TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN, AND THEY WALK OUT OF THE LAUNDRETTE
CUT TO:
KITCHEN DECORATED IN A DARK AND SULTRY (YET REMARKABLY BEAUTIFUL) FASHION - LIKE A COFFEE ADVERT. BERRY AND WOMAN ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE, DRINKING COFFEE FROM DARK, SULTRY MUGS.
WOMAN: I have to admit something... I had an ulterior motive in inviting you here.
BERRY: [CLEARLY CAPTIVATED] That's ok, I don't mind shallow women...
WOMAN: You don't understand - I want to ask you about your flatmate
BERRY: [LANDING WITH A BIG THUD FROM WHATEVER CLOUD HE'S BEEN FLOATING ON] Oh. Well, he's the monogamous type, single for 6 months, newly-qualified doctor, good-looking (as you probably already know) and he's very... nice. [THIS LAST SPOKEN WITH VITRIOL SEEPING FROM EVERY PORE]
WOMAN: You still don't quite understand... You see, he's got the impression that he has to "save the world," to, I don't know, make it somehow into a better place for everyone.
BERRY: Yeah, he thinks... well, he is the Messiah... Wait, is this a temptation? Are you trying to tempt me, with your dark sultry kitchen, and your sexy, delicious coffee? You... you're the devil! You... you.... I knew this was just too fucking good. I'm going to hell. Shit.
WOMAN: No, really - you don't understand. There is no devil, there is no hell... We... I am just interested in preserving a delicate balance. The world doesn't need to be saved - it needs equilibrium. I'm just trying to stop your flatmate from making a terrible, terrible mistake. You cannot comprehend the implications of what he's trying to do. He needs to be stopped... and I need your help. I'm willing to make a deal with you...
BERRY: [LIGHTS UP] You can give me my arm back?
WOMAN: I'm sorry... that's just not possible. But I will spend the morning in bed with you. We won't go all the way today, but I can promise you that you will...
BERRY: OK.
WOMAN: Really? Just like that, you'd agree? Do you know what I'm asking?
BERRY: Yeah, no probs. Wait - is he going to get sent to hell for this? Look, he's my mate, and I can't do that. Not hell. Drink the last of the milk, easy. Shag his girlfriend, probably. But send him to hell? I'm sorry, but I've got some loyalty. Some principles. Some...
WOMAN: [LAUGHS] No! Just between you and me, there is no hell. He won't suffer, I'm not going to hurt him in any way. I just want him neutralised.
BERRY: That sounds like government talk.
WOMAN: I'm not from the government.
BERRY: So you're not going to hurt him?
WOMAN: No. When I've finished, he'll be just like everyone else.
THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER.
CUT TO:
BERRY AND MOLYNEUX'S KITCHEN. THE TABLE IS SET FOR 3, POTS ARE BUBBLING ON THE STOVE... MOLYNEUX IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING A PAPER, AND BERRY IS COOKING. EVERYTHING LOOKS HARMONIOUS AND COSY.
MOLYNEUX: Well! You dark horse! A girl, eh?
BERRY: Honestly, it's not like that. She's not my type. I just thought she seemed nice, so I invited her round. Simple as. Really.
MOLYNEUX: Well, if you say so... I'm looking forward to meeting her. She sounds sweet, absolutely lovely. Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you - I performed my first miracle today! [HOLDS UP PAPER WITH HEADLINE "LOCAL DOCTOR SAVES BABY" AND A PICTURE OF MOLYNEUX LOOKING HUMBLE]
BERRY:It's only what you'd be doing anyway.
MOLYNEUX: There's a first time for everything!
DOORBELL RINGS
BERRY: I'll get that.
CUT TO:
HALLWAY. BERRY OPENS FRONT DOOR, AND THERE SHE IS, LOOKING EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL, IN A DEMURE GREEN DRESS WITH A CUTE CARDIGAN. THE DRESS MAY BE CHASTE, BUT IT CLINGS TO HER CURVES LIKE A LOTUS SPORT.
BERRY: [SUAVELY] You look...
WOMAN: Don't say ravishing.
BERRY: [LESS SUAVELY] Umm, pretty. Very pretty.
WOMAN [SMILES] Thank you. But remember - less of that!
BERRY: Uhh... yeah. The kitchen's this way - [RAISES VOICE SLIGHTLY] come and meet my flatmate, Molyneux.
CUT TO:
MOLYNEUX HANDING AROUND BEERS
CUT TO:
BERRY LAUGHING
CUT TO:
THE THREE OF THEM SAT ROUND THE TABLE, CLEARLY GETTING ON JUST DANDY - MOLY AND THE WOMAN ARE PERHAPS GETTING ON SLIGHTLY DANDIER.
CUT TO:
WOMAN: Excuse me please - I'll be back in a minute. Where is your bathroom?
BERRY POINTS THROUGH A DOOR, SHE LEAVES.
MOLYNEUX: Bloody hell Berry, she's something else. I can't believe you don't fancy her.
BERRY: No really, she's gorgeous, but she's just not my type. Too... tall. Too mysterious.
MOLYNEUX: Honestly?
BERRY: Honestly.
MOLYNEUX LEANS BACK LOOKING THOUGHTFUL. WOMAN ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
BERRY: Well, I've got a really early morning tomorrow. If it's not too rude, I think I'd better turn in. [THE OTHER TWO MAKE POLITE NOISES] Thank you so much for coming round, it was lovely to see you again. See you in the morning, Molyneux.
HE LEAVES, AND SMILES AS HE SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. THE OTHER TWO ARE STILL ENGROSSED IN COVERSATION, LEANING INTO EACH OTHER.
CUT TO:
BERRY'S BEDROOM. MORNING. THIS IS THE SHOT THAT OPENS THE FILM - BERRY SITS UP IN BED, SWINGS HIS LEGS OVER THE EDGE, AND SMILES BEATIFICALLY AS THE MORNING SUNLIGHT HITS HIS FACE. HE GETS OUT OF BED, AND WANDERS THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN, WHERE THE WOMAN IS STANDING IN AN OVER-SIZED T-SHIRT. THERE ARE RED MARKS ON HER LEGS. SHE GRINS AT HIM OVER HER COFFEE. CHEERED, BERRY WALKS THROUGH TO THE BATHROOM, WHERE MOLYNEUX IS STANDING, LOOKING A BIT WORRIED AND SHAMEFACED. HE NEARLY SITS DOWN, BUT HASTILY GETS UP AND WINCES.
MOLYNEUX: I think I've fucked up.
BERRY: [HUGE SMILE] No worries - there's a first time for everything. Isn't that right?

THE END
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
sorry, but it's so far from acceptable screenplay format, and all stuck together besides, so i can't make my way through it... if you email me, i'll be glad to send you a screenplay format guide and show you how this needs to be redone, to qualify as a film script...

hugs, m
[email protected]
 

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