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Annie - Short Story - Fiction Workshop Re-Post (1 Viewer)

BrandonTheWriter

Senior Member
Hi, another go at a story by me. Hope whoever reads it enjoys. Hope it reads well. Thank you.

Three things I hoped to accomplish with this piece:

- Try to write more descriptively. The feedback I received on my last story was to write more descriptively and paint a better scene for the mind's eye. I did more telling than showing, which is generally not a fun thing to read. I hope this is better.

- Write a genre out of my comfort zone. This is a short coming-of-age teen story, which is not what I'd usually write. It's a good way to push myself to write different stuff, and hell, maybe I might even do better if I branch out.

- Try third person. I often tend to write in first person a lot, it might be just a preference of mine. This story might suck because I'm not used to it. I didn't want it to be too long, and writing from a teenage girl perspective was certainly a challenge.

Hope you enjoy!

- BrandonTheWriter.


Annie
A short story by BrandonTheWriter

All Annie knew was her friends, they held her hand through tough times. They were there when family was just no good. They were there to spend the nights underneath the stars. Friendship was the glue to her very foundation. In one day, the bond from the glue started to break down. The friendships that had seemed at one time unbreakable revealed cracks concealed underneath. Cracks that had been expanding and growing overtime, cracks that would fundamentally put the whole foundation to the test. Annie could see this, but she didn't want to believe it. She couldn't afford to believe it, what is life without value?


2009 was the worst year of Annie's life. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was destined to be her big moment, the drama and woes of High School were almost over, or so she thought. It was the time to be independent, free and the whole world was at her fingertips to grasp and explore. All that soon felt insignificant, like a small blip on the Earth's map. The Summer of 2009 had started promisingly, it was the final day of a hellish school term. A term full of boring subjects and even more boring teachers. A freedom from the shackles of learning and long drawn out days were almost coming to an end. The taste of it was sweet.


On this day Annie looked her best, most important of all she felt her best. Her long brown locks glistened in the light, her blue eyes popped in the mirror, her rosy cheeks and smile lit up the messy bedroom she resided in. The clothes strewn around the room, the unmade bed, the school text books and crumpled up paper from the night before cramming homework, none of it mattered much. She was too free to care, the teachers didn't have her in their grasp for much longer, their control was diminishing by the second. Annie didn't always like to see herself in the mirror on her worst days, much like everyone, but her future looked fruitful and exciting. She felt hopeful, and hope was a very powerful thing. She looked down at her fingerprint smeared phone eagerly anticipating the text from her best friend Samantha. She could hardly contain the excitement on her face, her smile grew even wider with bright white freshly brushed teeth showing. Five minutes felt like too long to wait. Too long to bear. Annie loved Samantha she was the popular girl at school and pretty. All the boys loved her, eyes would turn towards her in the halls as she walked. Annie would notice it, but 'Sam' as she called her would always act like it was not happening. Sam had long blonde hair, green eyes and seemingly perfect skin. She did her make-up like she was an expert, and Annie always looked on at her in amazement and bemusement. How she could do it all with no effort and she often thought to herself why she even bothered with the make-up anyway. Even with minimal effort she looked stunning, jaw dropping you could say.


The phone dinged loudly, Annie's eyes peered down in delight. 'Almost here Ans! <3 xx' it read, she could hardly contain how excited she was to see her bestie. She typed back at an almost frenetic pace. She danced around the room and tapped her feet like a ballet dancer performing a new routine. A knock could be heard at the door, it seemed to echo throughout the whole house. A loud voice heard through it all "Annie!!" it was Annie's mother calling her from downstairs.


Annie took one last look at herself in the mirror and let out a happy long breath, her smile still showing bright. The tap of her sneakers hit the steps as she raced downstairs. She only just about got around to saying goodbye to her mother who was racing to do early morning chores with her sunflower apron on, her light blonde hair frizzled and unkempt from sleeping the night before. Her mother kissed her on the head "Have a nice day, sweetheart." Annie smiled and quickly answered the door. Sam was standing with her new boyfriend Andrew Hitchens of two weeks. He had short brown hair and dark eyes that were mesmerising on a good day and piercing on a bad. His uniform was always slightly worn and never neat, almost like he was trying to make a statement about how cool he was. Annie didn't like Andrew very much, he thought very highly of himself and had a crude sense of humour that rarely hit. Sam always thought everything he did was hilarious, and was already madly falling in love. Something Annie looked on at in dismay.


'What up rosy cheeks!" Andrew said as Annie answered the door. He smirked with his often cheesy signature grin. It mostly just slid off her as her entire focus was on Sam, who smiled at her and eyes widened. "Ready for hell Ans?" Sam said. The three of them made their way on the pavement to the bus stop. The air was warm, far too warm to be wearing school clothes. The sun was already shining bright and the summer days could be felt ahead. Upon arriving at School it was like a human traffic jam. Busy, loud chatter and excitement could be heard from all over the grounds. The big red doors leading inside were like the depths to hell in Annie's mind, but knowing it was the last day made it so much easier. Annie, Sam and Andrew were greeted by another of Annie and Sam's friends Kimberly. Kimberly was someone Annie also really liked and had known for a long time since kindergarten. She was the smallest of the group, had long red hair and hazel eyes. Andrew and Sam were already clinging on to each other and unable to be separated like conjoined twins, it was only the sound of the bell that seemed to separate them. Inside Annie looked on with a smile in the hallways as they both shared one last glance before making it to their classrooms on opposite ends of the long corridor.


Annie hated English with a burning passion. Mr. Stevenson was always in a grumpy mood, always, his face always sour like he was chomping on sour sweets. Annie sat down at her desk, she was always near a boy named Timmy Rivers. He often had acne and long curly brown hair. He never said much and always had his head down in his book every lesson, she would often peek at his work when stuck because he was a real book worm this kid. The groaning sound of Mr. Stevenson's voice didn't help the class to wake up "Morning class." he said in a monotone droning voice. "I know this is the last day, but we still have work to do." Annie often just daydreamed with a pen in her hand looking down to appear busy. There wasn't a subject she didn't daydream in. If there was a certificate for daydreaming, she would get top marks for that. Annie spent so much time in her head thinking about the future and all the possibilities, it really did seem endless and enticing. In many ways English should have been her favourite, she always had a real knack for creativity, but a teacher often really does make a subject what it is. Stevenson was the worst of the bunch. The vibrating of Annie's phone shifted her back in to reality, she quietly peeked so that nobody would see. It was another text from Sam: 'Meet me after school Ans! xx'


The day was finally over. That last bell was like the heaven's gates were opening up for Annie, her heart raced and she felt herself getting more excited the closer she got to the big double doors. She walked out in to a mass of excitement, giggles and kids running all over the place. The bus would be here soon. That excitement quickly turned to worry when she realised Sam wasn't waiting for her. They had planned to meet outside the doors, but she was nowhere to be seen. Annie wondered if she had squandered off again with Andrew. They often made a habit of leaving school early the past week and getting in trouble the next day. With it being the last day and punishments worthless, the possibility was likely in Annie's mind. It had been five minutes and still no sign of Sam or Andrew, the bus was arriving and Annie certainly wasn't spending another minute in this dump so she boarded as fast as she could. The silver lining in all this was seeing Kimberly who also boarded at the same time, they smiled and sat next to each other crammed in to a packed bus sharing excitement for the weeks ahead.


Upon arriving home Annie was greeted by her mother still pacing around the house. "You're still at it?" Annie said in a jokey fashion. Her mother just glared at her "Well your dad is a lazy piece of work sometimes. Good day?" Annie smiled, the day had been good all things considered, although she hoped to have seen Sam after school and still hadn't heard anything from her since lunch time. She plodded upstairs and shut the door to her bedroom texting Sam once more 'Where r u? Txt back xx'.


It had been whole Saturday and still no Sam. It had produced a black cloud over the start of the summer holidays for Annie. All she wanted to do was see her best friend. It was nearly evening time when Annie's phone dinged, she was laid in bed reading a magazine. She quickly slung the book on to the floor like it was nothing and raced to her phone at the other end of the bed, only to be greeted by: 'soz for yesterday, gonna stay with andy and his mom over holidays, love you xx'. Her smile quickly vanished, her posture slumped. In Annie's mind, she hadn't prepared for this scenario. A summer without her best friend? It felt like something out of a nightmare. She always had movie nights and long days exploring the city with her best friend and that was not to be in such a short time, they had even discussed it together.


It was a Monday and Annie and Kimberly had decided to meet after both getting texts from Sam, they were both equally as crushed but figured they might as well do something. They both went in to the city for some ice cream and walked around together shopping but despite the hot weather and warm breeze, a dark cloud seemed to linger. All Annie could seem to think about was Sam. In her mind and maybe even Kimberly's also, it just wasn't the same. The conversations weren't the same. They weren't as tight and fluid, there was often an awkward silence. A painful silence. Annie and Kimberly weren't used to eachother, they had a dynamic of three and it showed. It was like a band trying to perform without their lead vocalist, empty and forced. They kept meeting up most days, but one would often leave home early for whatever reason usually Kimberly, there was always something she had to be home for.


It had been a couple of days since Annie last saw Kimberly, and been a week or so since last hearing from Sam. The days had become less exciting and more of a blur, days spent inside the house alone become more of a normality. For the first time in a while Annie looked in the mirror and felt sadness, sadness she hadn't felt in a while. It became apparent that Sam was helping to keep that sadness from sight. That night she cried deeply to herself as she try to sleep. Eyes blurring and throat choking up from the feeling. She felt irrational and silly, but felt like she had nobody to talk to.


It had been the worst summer vacation of them all, in many ways Annie couldn't wait for it be over. Something she hadn't been expecting ever. It was the last week of August, one Thursday out of the blue she got a text from Kimberly 'U heard about S&A?' at first she looked at it in confusion, but then slowly figured out what she was trying to say. Annie frantically texted back 'No, what?'. Those few minutes of waiting seemed to take forever as her eyes stayed glue to the phone. The phone dinged and a message read 'broke up with her'. Annie sat back and felt sadness. Even though Sam had been ignoring her texts for weeks, she was still her best friend. She still felt a deep regret and sadness over it. It also pained her to know that after all that Summer he had snatched her friend from her, it was all over after the holidays had been there and gone. It honestly made her blood boil, she felt selfish. Annie looked down at her phone, opened up her contact list and texted Sam once again 'I heard about A you deserve better xx Miss you'


The message left unanswered for days, Annie often looked back on it with eyes glaring at the screen waiting for something that never came. She would go to bed and wake up looking at her phone, sometimes even forgetting it was there and falling asleep. Today was a day she decided enough was enough. The weather had took a turn for the worst, rain was pouring after a long spell of hot days. It didn't matter to Annie. She put on her huge brown coat with almost engulfed her. The smell of Spaghetti Bolognese being cooked could be smelt wafting up the stairs and in her nostrils, it almost made her want to stay. A temptation holding her back from the pain. Annie quietly tip-toed out of the front door as not to alert her mother in the kitchen. The rain was coming down hard, within seconds of it touching her she started to get drenched. Despite that, the rain felt enlightening in a way and refreshing. Annie quickly grabbed her bike from the side of the garage and made her way down the windy street.


Sam's house was not too far from where Annie lived, but despite that fact, Sam had never made an effort to come see her. Not even since returning home. Annie cycled like she had never cycled before, not even stopping to think about how dangerous it was under the current weather conditions. The path was slippy and getting more treacherous by the second, and a lot of it was downhill too. Annie was so focused on doing what in her mind needed to be done that nothing else mattered. She had reached Sam's street, rain was dripping all down her face making it nearly impossible to see. She wiped her eyes with her coat arm and looked on at the house all lit up and not been seen by her eyes for months. With every step inching closer to the front door knots started to develop in her stomach, the possibility of seeing Sam's face once again. She pounded on the door like a SWAT team getting ready to raid the place. A man answered the door, Sam's father. He was still dressed in his work clothes and wiped his sweaty brow as he answered. He sort of looked at Annie in confusion which was a mixture of having not seen her for months and also that she was out in the worst rain of the year. "Hi Annie. I'm guessing you heard about her and Andrew?" Annie nodded, still wiping the water filling her eyes. Sam's father continued: "Sorry but she doesn't want to see anyone right now." Annie's heart sank once again, her voice breaking but trying to remain coherent: "Oh, okay." Sam's father gave out a half smile as he closed the door. Annie stood there for a few minutes and started walking back down the drive way. She got on her bicycle and looked once more at the house where she had spent many nights growing up, she looked up at Sam's window for what felt like forever. Just about when she was getting ready to go, she looked in at the living room window one last time. It was Kimberly and Sam, together. Laughing and smiling. In that moment Annie felt stuck on her bicycle seat, an outsider, the rain drenching her once more before she started to make her way home.


On her way home Annie thought long and hard, the uphill battle with her bicycle and the path was won. She made her way through the front door drenched and messy, looked on at her mother in the kitchen still singing and gleefully unaware. She walked through the hallway with feet plopping from the sound of water on her sneakers and just hugged her from behind and cried as her mother began to hold her in her arms as Annie bawled her eyes out and finally revealed all. Her mother held her tight and said "New friends can always be made, your family is here for you always." as Annie looked up at her mother with tears streaming down her face. She kissed her and held her even tighter. Annie's mother reached over to the counter and passed Annie an envelope "Plus this." It was an acceptance letter from the College Annie had applied for. Her mother looked at her with proud eyes, tears dropping and a full smile "I was going to wait for dinner. I'm so proud of you."


The End.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
Would you mind if I took a slice and made some observations? I prefer to give advice on the writing style rather than go through the whole thing like an editor. That way, anything of value I say is then down to you to apply elsewhere. I'll read it all and give an overall view but I've read enough to see it's worth digging in first.
 

BrandonTheWriter

Senior Member
Would you mind if I took a slice and made some observations? I prefer to give advice on the writing style rather than go through the whole thing like an editor. That way, anything of value I say is then down to you to apply elsewhere. I'll read it all and give an overall view but I've read enough to see it's worth digging in first.

Any feedback is welcome!

Thanks for reading.

I'm not trying to get published, it is just a hobby. So it's fine. You don't need to go through the whole thing like an editor at all. Hope it's enjoyable for you.
 

SueC

Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hey Brandon,
This was quite a compelling story and I'm sure one that can touch many people. The relationships we form in high school can often be fraught with pain and happiness at the same time. After having been a high school girl at one time, and then having three girl of my own, I know that a trio of girlfriends rarely works. So your choice was a good one to write a story about that time in a girl's life. The story flowed well to a conclusion - a happy one at that.

Structurally, I think you have some issues. Some of your run-on sentences could actually be two, rather than just separated with a comma. It might be helpful if you would read your story out loud. You might be able to pick up on breaks that need to be more clearly defined. For example:

[FONT=&Verdana] Annie didn't like Andrew very much, he thought very highly of himself and had a crude sense of humour that rarely hit.

[/FONT]
You are combining two different thoughts here - 1. Annie didn't like Andrew and 2. Andrew had a high opinion of himself and had a crude sense of humor. Actually, it would be clear to your readers that Annie didn't like him, if you only gave his traits that Annie saw, and based on the way she reacted to him. That would be showing instead of telling. Try just describing your characters without assigning opinions of them, or better yet, have them act in a way that is crude or disgusting. I would also suggest, when doing that, that you qualify the opinion by saying something like, "Annie felt Andrew thought very highly of himself . . ." That way you indicate Annie's impression of Andrew, but without saying for sure how Andrew really felt. The story is told in Annie's POV, so telling your readers what Andrew thought of himself breaks away from that POV. We would then be in Andrew's head, and for all we know, it could just be an act. Maybe Andrew actually has a low self-esteem, but you are not obligated to show that since it's Annie that we are listening to.

Does this make any sense?

I'm not going to go through the entire story, but these are two of the issues that I picked up on. The two issues I have addressed are run-on sentences and being consistent with a POV. This may help with showing v. telling too. I hope this has helped, Brandon. Thank you for letting us read your work.

SueC :)
 

Taylor

Staff member
Global Moderator
Really nice Brandon. A great story that I'm sure many can relate to.

Just a couple of things I noticed:

The timeframe in the beginnig jumps back and forth. I had to read it a couple fo times to figure out which time frame I was in. I made a suggestion for how to fix with a paragraph change.

I really like the flow of your writing and the descriptions are very clear. However, sometimes I noticed what looked like could be two strong sentences joined with a comma for a run on. I know this is a certain style of writing, but consider breaking up sentences. Or you can use double hyphens. Using variation in sentence length can add dynamics. I did a few, to show you what I mean. I think there is room for more.

I suggested an inner thought to be a monologue and this can add some flavour as well. It's not dialogue heavy so monologues it could break up the naration.

And just a couple of other suggested edits for clarity.

The last paragraph might need an alteration. As I recall when my son got his acceptance letter, I didn't open it before he got home. They are pretty much adults at that point so you can't decide when to give it to them either. In our case we opened it together, but that was his choice.

Thanks for the read. Well done!

Annie
A short story by BrandonTheWriter

All Annie knew was her friends, they held her hand through tough times. They were there when family was just no good. They were there to spend the nights underneath the stars. Friendship was the glue to her very foundation. In one day, the bond from the glue started to break down. The friendships that had seemed at one time unbreakable revealed cracks concealed underneath. Cracks that had been expanding and growing overtime, cracks that would fundamentally put the whole foundation to the test. Annie could see this, but she didn't want to believe it. She couldn't afford to believe it, what is life without value?


2009 was the worst year of Annie's life. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was destined to be her big moment, the drama and woes of High School were almost over, or so she thought. It was the time to be independent, free and the whole world was at her fingertips to grasp and explore. All that, soon felt insignificant, like a small blip on the Earth's map.


(going back in time, consider a new paragraph here.) The Summer of 2009 had started promisingly, it was the final day of a hellish school term. A term full of boring subjects and even more boring teachers. A freedom from the shackles of learning and long drawn out days were almost coming to an end. The taste of it was sweet. (Same paragraph)
On this day Annie looked her best, most important of all she felt her best. Her long brown locks glistened in the light, her blue eyes popped in the mirror, her rosy cheeks and smile lit up the messy bedroom she resided in. The clothes strewn around the room, the unmade bed, the school text books and crumpled up paper from the night before cramming homework, none of it mattered much. She was too free to care, the teachers didn't have her in their grasp for much longer, their control was diminishing by the second. Annie didn't always like to see herself in the mirror on her worst days, much like everyone, but her future looked fruitful and exciting. She felt hopeful, and hope was a very powerful thing. She looked down at her fingerprint smeared phone eagerly anticipating the text from her best friend Samantha. She could hardly contain the excitement on her face, her smile grew even wider with bright white freshly brushed teeth showing. Five minutes felt like too long to wait. Too long to bear. Annie loved Samantha -- she was the popular girl at school and pretty. All the boys loved her -- eyes would turn towards her in the halls as she walked. Annie would notice it, but 'Sam' as she called her would always act like it was not happening. Sam had long blonde hair, green eyes and seemingly perfect skin. She did her make-up like she was an expert, and Annie always looked on at her in amazement and bemusement. How she could do it all with no effort? and she often thought to herself She wondered why Sam she even bothered with the make-up anyway. Even with minimal effort she looked stunning, jaw dropping you could say.


The phone dinged loudly, Annie's eyes peered down in delight. 'Almost here Ans! <3 xx' it read, she could hardly contain how excited she was to see her bestie. She typed back at an almost frenetic pace. She danced around the room and tapped her feet like a ballet dancer performing a new routine. A knock could be heard at the door, it seemed to echo throughout the whole house. A loud voice heard through it all "Annie!!" it was Annie's mother calling her from downstairs. (Continuation of paragraph)Annie took one last look at herself in the mirror and let out a happy long breath, her smile still showing bright. The tap of her sneakers hit the steps as she raced downstairs. She only just about got around to saying goodbye to her mother who was racing to do early morning chores with her sunflower apron on, her light blonde hair frizzled and unkempt from sleeping the night before. Her mother kissed her on the head "Have a nice day, sweetheart." Annie smiled and quickly answered the door. Sam was standing with her new boyfriend Andrew Hitchens. of two weeks. He had short brown hair and dark eyes that were mesmerising on a good day and piercing on a bad. His uniform was always slightly worn and never neat, almost like he was trying to make a statement about how cool he was. Annie didn't like Andrew very much, he thought very highly of himself and had a crude sense of humour that rarely hit. Sam always thought everything he did was hilarious, and was already madly falling in love. Something Annie looked on at in dismay.


'What up rosy cheeks!" Andrew said as Annie answered the door. He smirked with his often cheesy signature grin. It mostly just slid off her as her entire focus was on Sam, who smiled at her and eyes widened. "Ready for hell Ans?" Sam said. The three of them made their way on the pavement to the bus stop. The air was warm, far too warm to be wearing school clothes. The sun was already shining bright and the summer days could be felt ahead. Upon arriving at School it was like a human traffic jam. Busy, loud chatter and excitement could be heard from all over the grounds. The big red doors leading inside were like the depths to hell in Annie's mind, but knowing it was the last day made it so much easier. Annie, Sam and Andrew were greeted by another of Annie and Sam's friends Kimberly. Kimberly was someone Annie also really liked and had known for a long time since kindergarten. She was the smallest of the group, had long red hair and hazel eyes. Andrew and Sam were already clinging on to each other and unable to be separated like conjoined twins, it was only the sound of the bell that seemed to separate them. Inside Annie looked on with a smile in the hallways as they both shared one last glance before making it to their classrooms on opposite ends of the long corridor.


Annie hated English with a burning passion. Mr. Stevenson was always in a grumpy mood, always, his face always sour like he was chomping on sour sweets. Annie sat down at her desk, she was always near a boy named Timmy Rivers. He often had acne and long curly brown hair. He never said much and always had his head down in his book every lesson, she would often peek at his work when stuck because he was a real book worm this kid. The groaning sound of Mr. Stevenson's voice didn't help the class to wake up "Morning class." he said in a monotone droning voice. "I know this is the last day, but we still have work to do." Annie often just daydreamed with a pen in her hand looking down to appear busy. There wasn't a subject she didn't daydream in. If there was a certificate for daydreaming, she would get top marks for that. Annie spent so much time in her head thinking about the future and all the possibilities, it really did seem endless and enticing. In many ways English should have been her favourite, she always had a real knack for creativity, but a teacher often really does make a subject what it is. Stevenson was the worst of the bunch. The vibrating of Annie's phone shifted her back in to reality, she quietly peeked so that nobody would see. It was another text from Sam: 'Meet me after school Ans! xx'


The day was finally over. That last bell was like the heaven's gates were opening up for Annie, her heart raced and she felt herself getting more excited the closer she got to the big double doors. She walked out in to a mass of excitement, giggles and kids running all over the place. The bus would be here soon. That excitement quickly turned to worry when she realised Sam wasn't waiting for her. They had planned to meet outside the doors, but she was nowhere to be seen. Annie wondered if she had squandered off again with Andrew. They often made a habit of leaving school early the past week and getting in trouble the next day. With it being the last day and punishments worthless, the possibility was likely in Annie's mind. It had been five minutes and still no sign of Sam or Andrew, the bus was arriving and Annie certainly wasn't spending another minute in this dump so she boarded as fast as she could. The silver lining in all this was seeing Kimberly who also boarded at the same time, they smiled and sat next to each other crammed in to a packed bus sharing excitement for the weeks ahead.


Upon arriving home Annie was greeted by her mother still pacing around the house. "You're still at it?" Annie said in a jokey fashion.

Her mother just glared at her "Well your dad is a lazy piece of work sometimes. Good day?" (break up the dialogue in paragraphs)

Annie smiled, the day had been good all things considered, although she hoped to have seen Sam after school and still hadn't heard anything from her since lunch time. She plodded upstairs and shut the door to her bedroom texting Sam once more 'Where r u? Txt back xx'.

It had been whole Saturday and still no Sam. It had produced a black cloud over the start of the summer holidays for Annie. All she wanted to do was see her best friend. It was nearly evening time when Annie's phone dinged, she was laid in bed reading a magazine. She quickly slung the book on to the floor like it was nothing and raced to her phone at the other end of the bed, only to be greeted by: 'soz for yesterday, gonna stay with andy and his mom over holidays, love you xx'. Her smile quickly vanished, hHer posture slumped. In Annie's mind, she hadn't prepared for this scenario. A summer without her best friend? It felt like something out of a nightmare. She always had movie nights and long days exploring the city with her best friend and that was not to be in such a short time, they had even discussed it together.

It was a Monday and Annie and Kimberly had decided to meet after both getting texts from Sam, they were both equally as crushed but figured they might as well do something. They both went in to the city for some ice cream and walked around together shopping but despite the hot weather and warm breeze, a dark cloud seemed to linger. All Annie could seem to think about was Sam. In her mind and maybe even Kimberly's also, it just wasn't the same. The conversations weren't the same. They weren't as tight and fluid, there was often an awkward silence. A painful silence. Annie and Kimberly weren't used to eachother, they had a dynamic of three and it showed. It was like a band trying to perform without their lead vocalist, empty and forced. They kept meeting up most days, but one would often leave home early for whatever reason usually Kimberly, there was always something she had to be home for.


It had been a couple of days since Annie last saw Kimberly, and been a week or so since last hearing from Sam. The days had become less exciting and more of a blur, days spent inside the house alone become more of a normality. For the first time in a while Annie looked in the mirror and felt sadness, sadness she hadn't felt in a while. It became apparent that Sam was helping to keep that sadness from sight. (Sentence a bit akward) That night she cried deeply to herself as she try to sleep. Eyes blurring and throat choking up from the feeling. She felt irrational and silly, but felt like she had nobody to talk to.


It had been the worst summer vacation of them all, in many ways Annie couldn't wait for it be over. Something she hadn't been expecting ever. It was the last week of August, one Thursday out of the blue she got a text from Kimberly 'U heard about S&A?' at first she looked at it in confusion, but then slowly figured out what she was trying to say. Annie frantically texted back 'No, what?'. Those few minutes of waiting seemed to take forever as her eyes stayed glue to the phone. The phone dinged and a message read 'he broke up with her'. Annie sat back and felt sadness. Even though Sam had been ignoring her texts for weeks, she was still her best friend. She still felt a deep regret and sadness over it. It also pained her to know that after all that Summer he had snatched her friend from her, it was all over after the holidays had been there and gone. It honestly made her blood boil, she felt selfish. Annie looked down at her phone, opened up her contact list and texted Sam once again 'I heard about A you deserve better xx Miss you'


The message left unanswered for days, Annie often looked back on it with eyes glaring at the screen waiting for something that never came. She would go to bed and wake up looking at her phone, sometimes even forgetting it was there and falling asleep. Today was a day she decided enough was enough. The weather had took a turn for the worst, rain was pouring after a long spell of hot days. It didn't matter to Annie. She put on her huge brown coat with almost engulfed her. The smell of Spaghetti Bolognese being cooked could be smelt wafting up the stairs and in her nostrils, it almost made her want to stay. A temptation holding her back from the pain. Annie quietly tip-toed out of the front door as not to alert her mother in the kitchen. The rain was coming down hard, within seconds of it touching her she started to get drenched. Despite that, the rain felt enlightening in a way and refreshing. Annie quickly grabbed her bike from the side of the garage and made her way down the windy street.


Sam's house was not too far from where Annie lived, but despite that fact, Sam had never made an effort to come see her. Not even since returning home. Annie cycled like she had never cycled before, not even stopping to think about how dangerous it was under the current weather conditions. The path was slippy and getting more treacherous by the second, and a lot of it was downhill too. Annie was so focused on doing what in her mind needed to be done that nothing else mattered. She had reached Sam's street, rain was dripping all down her face making it nearly impossible to see. She wiped her eyes with her coat arm and looked on at the house all lit up and not been seen by her eyes for months. With every step inching closer to the front door knots started to develop in her stomach, the possibility of seeing Sam's face once again. She pounded on the door like a SWAT team getting ready to raid the place. A man answered the door, . It was Sam's father. He was still dressed in his work clothes and wiped his sweaty brow as he answered. He sort of looked at Annie in confusion which was a mixture of having not seen her for months and also that she was out in the worst rain of the year. "Hi Annie. I'm guessing you heard about her and Andrew?" Annie nodded, still wiping the water filling her eyes. Sam's father continued: "Sorry but she doesn't want to see anyone right now." Annie's heart sank once again, her voice breaking but trying to remain coherent: "Oh, okay." Sam's father gave out a half smile as he closed the door. Annie stood there for a few minutes and started walking back down the drive way. She got on her bicycle and looked once more at the house where she had spent many nights growing up, she looked up at Sam's window for what felt like forever. Just about when she was getting ready to go, she looked in at the living room window one last time. It was Kimberly and Sam, together. Laughing and smiling. In that moment Annie felt stuck on her bicycle seat., She was an outsider, the rain drenching her once more before she started to make her way home.


On her way home Annie thought long and hard, the uphill battle with her bicycle and the path was won. She made her way through the front door drenched and messy, looked on at her mother in the kitchen still singing and gleefully unaware. She walked through the hallway with feet plopping from the sound of water on her sneakers and just hugged her from behind and cried as her mother began to hold her in her arms as Annie bawled her eyes out and finally revealed all. Her mother held her tight and said "New friends can always be made, yYour family is here for you always." aAs Annie looked up at her mother with tears streaming down her face. She kissed her and held her even tighter. Annie's mother reached over to the counter and passed Annie an envelope "Plus this." It was an acceptance letter from the College Annie had applied for. Her mother looked at her with proud eyes, tears dropping and a full smile "I was going to wait for dinner. I'm so proud of you."


The End.
 
Last edited:

BrandonTheWriter

Senior Member
Thanks Sue and Taylor. You both bring up incredibly good points, I really appreciate the well thought out and informative feedback. Plus highlighting things that would benefit from a change. I can see where my sentences are a bit problematic. I'll be sure to try to fix that in my writing in the future. It's sort of my writing style in a way, but I realise it is a bad habit when I read it aloud.

I still have some grammar problems at times. It is something I am trying to work on. I have always had the ideas but struggled with bringing them to life in a way that is fun and clear to read.

I didn't intend for the timeframe to be so awkward to read, but I can see where it might get confusing now. Also, Sue you bring up a very good point in regards to how I wrote Andrew. The third person perspective definitely gave me a little trouble at times.

I'm glad you both seemed to enjoy it despite these glaring issues. That means a lot. It was a genre I wasn't as comfortable writing, and I can't remember if I have ever wrote a story about the opposite gender. It was a nice challenge.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
I'm really sorry I haven't posted a critique. I'd taken the first two paragraphs and went through them thoroughly. It took me nearly an hour ... then I closed a window I'd opened through my notification and ... it turned out to be the wrong window :(
 

BrandonTheWriter

Senior Member
I'm really sorry I haven't posted a critique. I'd taken the first two paragraphs and went through them thoroughly. It took me nearly an hour ... then I closed a window I'd opened through my notification and ... it turned out to be the wrong window :(

You really don't have to apologise. The fact you even offered is enough buddy. Maybe next time, eh? Hopefully I'll post another story of mine when I get around to it. Just thinking of ideas.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
I mentioned showing not telling before, so I thought an example of what I mean would be better than trying to explain it. It's not going to be perfect but it will at least 'hopefully' be helpful:

On this day Annie looked her best, most important of all she felt her best. Her long brown locks glistened in the light, her blue eyes popped in the mirror, her rosy cheeks and smile lit up the messy bedroom she resided in. The clothes strewn around the room, the unmade bed, the school text books and crumpled up paper from the night before cramming homework, none of it mattered much. She was too free to care, the teachers didn't have her in their grasp for much longer, their control was diminishing by the second. Annie didn't always like to see herself in the mirror on her worst days, much like everyone, but her future looked fruitful and exciting. She felt hopeful, and hope was a very powerful thing. She looked down at her fingerprint smeared phone eagerly anticipating the text from her best friend Samantha. She could hardly contain the excitement on her face, her smile grew even wider with bright white freshly brushed teeth showing. Five minutes felt like too long to wait. Too long to bear. Annie loved Samantha she was the popular girl at school and pretty. All the boys loved her, eyes would turn towards her in the halls as she walked. Annie would notice it, but 'Sam' as she called her would always act like it was not happening. Sam had long blonde hair, green eyes and seemingly perfect skin. She did her make-up like she was an expert, and Annie always looked on at her in amazement and bemusement. How she could do it all with no effort and she often thought to herself why she even bothered with the make-up anyway. Even with minimal effort she looked stunning, jaw dropping you could say.

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Annie sat in her bedroom. It was the way she liked it: messy. Clothes strewn everywhere, discarded with little care, in heaps of other days. Scattered on her unmade bed, school text books and crumpled paper, the vestiges of a night spent cramming homework, but none of it mattered. She was almost free from the teacher's grasp.

She stood and reluctantly walked to her full length mirror by the window. Short curtains, lifted by a scented breeze, kissed her lightly as she stood there. Even though she did not look her best, a fruitful future called. Samantha had usually texted her by now, she mused, as she looked down at her phone, smudged by fingerprints. With one last glance at herself in the mirror, she made for the bed and perched there, waiting for a text.

Excitement grew as she waited. Her grin broadened, exposing teeth as fresh as the breeze breathing spring into the room. Samantha was one of the 'popular' girls at the school and Annie loved her for it, not because of the attention she got but rather the fact Samantha seemed oblivious of it. 'Sam' as she was known to most, had corn coloured hair, hung freely about her shoulders, emerald eyes and perfectly smooth skin. Her features were enhanced by makeup, applied with the careful touch of a expert. Annie had often opined she didn't need it though. Sam's beauty was inherent, a fortuitous Godliness.

 

BrandonTheWriter

Senior Member
I appreciate you taking the time to comb through it. I hope my next story (whenever that is!) will show some improvements.

One of the big things I will do is making it more appealing when you open up a thread. I don't want the big chunks of paragraphs to put people off.
 
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