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Angry Words (1 Viewer)

AnnieJay

Senior Member
Unforgettable angry words
Cut me to the bone
and get carved into stone
It felt so good to be with someone else
Your legs look like tree trunks
You lead a very small life
We aren’t a real family
We’re just a group of people who live together
Compliments quickly evaporate
Disappearing into nothingness
Leaving behind no trace
(just blank space)

If only I could remember the compliments
And forget those angry words
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello.

I really appreciate the honesty of the speaker in this piece, there is no subterfuge just a raw awareness and acceptance of what they’re feeling. It’s the sort of poetry that I appreciate most.

If I am being critical I feel that the piece jumps a lot in terms of cadence you have the two lines that rhyme at the very start, followed by the italics and I just find that this rhythm really jars me as a reader, it brings me out of the piece at the moment when I want it to flow. This sense of dissonance can be utilised to throw the reader but I would suggest not towards the beginning of the piece, if that makes sense?

I hope this helps,

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Unforgettable angry words
Cut me to the bone
and get carved into stone
It felt so good to be with someone else
Your legs look like tree trunks
You lead a very small life
We aren’t a real family
We’re just a group of people who live together
Compliments quickly evaporate
Disappearing into nothingness
Leaving behind no trace
(just blank space)

If only I could remember the compliments
And forget those angry words

Hi,

Unforgettable angry words,

I felt this line so deeply, we often say things in anger from pain, and although they say words don’t mean anything.
They sure as hell cut deeply as you described.
Lovely words , Thank you.

J.
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Hi there!
Thank you for sharing your work with us. I've read a few poems on this site already and yours is the first one i'm commenting on because it stood out to me. I like the italicized internal dialogue. I think it's a very creative aspect that can be implemented to one's work in order to illicit a more intimate connection to the poet. I feel that it should be used more in others work.
Great job.

-Annie
 

AnnieJay

Senior Member
Hello.

I really appreciate the honesty of the speaker in this piece, there is no subterfuge just a raw awareness and acceptance of what they’re feeling. It’s the sort of poetry that I appreciate most.

If I am being critical I feel that the piece jumps a lot in terms of cadence you have the two lines that rhyme at the very start, followed by the italics and I just find that this rhythm really jars me as a reader, it brings me out of the piece at the moment when I want it to flow. This sense of dissonance can be utilised to throw the reader but I would suggest not towards the beginning of the piece, if that makes sense?

I hope this helps,

Cheers

Syd

Thanks Syd! I appreciate your feedback. I wanted to include the actual words and didn't consider the cadence with this approach. The original had different spacing and that may have helped with readability too. I'll give it some thought and see if I can still use the actual words, but maybe add some more lines to address the cadence issue. Though I've been writing off and on for years, this was the first thing I've ever really shared. It was scary, but your generous and thoughtful input was exactly what I needed. Thank you again!

AnnieJay
 

AnnieJay

Senior Member
To Annie. Marie

Thank you for your kind and generous feedback. As I've said before, sharing is scary. This community and folks like you make it much easier.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
To Annie. Marie

Thank you for your kind and generous feedback. As I've said before, sharing is scary. This community and folks like you make it much easier.

You’re welcome, it is very scary.
I don’t know if you ever feel the same but I feel it’s like you almost feel fake in sharing your words , I almost feel it’s like insides on paper sometimes. Thank you for your words.

J.
 
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