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And The Poem Originates (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
As the ragpicker picks all that, whatever can be later, of value,
The mind picks the drops of life around, and freezes it inside, for the coming time due,
And the glaciers to melt, when the moments want river to flow,
And starts weaving a profound crochet, out of strings of words, to grow and grow,
And imagination becomes those beautiful patterns,
So visible to eyes of, feelings, mind and emotions,
That's how my poem comes into existence,
Keeping that end knot of string, all open,
For the scope of incompleteness,
For the scope of imperfection.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is a really interesting piece that I think would really benefit from a bit of an edit, for me personally I would start from, “To weave [...]” I think the syntax of what comes before is a little awkward and the content gives away the purpose of the piece. What you have from this point on is strong and it does well to articulate a story that we all as would be poets know. I would perhaps play around with the lines in this middle section and work on creating shorter punchier lines, but that’s just me.

Really digging this

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

This is a really interesting piece that I think would really benefit from a bit of an edit, for me personally I would start from, “To weave [...]” I think the syntax of what comes before is a little awkward and the content gives away the purpose of the piece. What you have from this point on is strong and it does well to articulate a story that we all as would be poets know. I would perhaps play around with the lines in this middle section and work on creating shorter punchier lines, but that’s just me.

Really digging this

Cheers

Syd
Sorry Syd, I did n't get your point. Can you a bit elaborate it more? Or, are you suggesting that, line ( weave) should be deleted. I can't deny with all honesty, that being student of science, suggestions and guidance are always welcome, in fact needed, I wanna convey that.

All Thanks
Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Basically for me, I feel that the phrasing of the lines is a little awkward the way in which words have been ordered halt the reader because of this. I think the content itself of these lines gives the meaning away and for me where the piece really gets going is from, “To weave,” I really dig what comes after this.

Hope that’s a bit clearer.

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

Basically for me, I feel that the phrasing of the lines is a little awkward the way in which words have been ordered halt the reader because of this. I think the content itself of these lines gives the meaning away and for me where the piece really gets going is from, “To weave,” I really dig what comes after this.

Hope that’s a bit clearer.

Cheers

Syd

Ok. Now I got your point.
I will try it that way.

Thanks
Ritu
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
I really like this and love the imagery. I think I might pick either theme (strings,crochet and unraveling) or (droplets, glaciers, rivers) and stick with it to show your points and yes it might be shorter. I am really glad to have heard both of these though because they were beautiful! I don’t know if it can be two poems? Or maybe two verses and a verse to pull them together? Up to you! Up to you if you want to leave it as is... all gorgeous... oh... I just realized the threads of a spider’s web grab droplets... ?
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I really like this and love the imagery. I think I might pick either theme (strings,crochet and unraveling) or (droplets, glaciers, rivers) and stick with it to show your points and yes it might be shorter. I am really glad to have heard both of these though because they were beautiful! I don’t know if it can be two poems? Or maybe two verses and a verse to pull them together? Up to you! Up to you if you want to leave it as is... all gorgeous... oh... I just realized the threads of a spider’s web grab droplets... ?
Thanks Llylaren
I will try to edit it again.

Ritu
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
All that incompleteness inside me
Is the hunger, different every time,
Craving for the different taste of thoughts,
to get done,
Is the loneliness, always in search for different meaning,
To weave a profound crochet, out of strings of imagination.
As the ragpicker picks all that, whatever can be later, of value,
The mind picks the drops of life around, and freezes it inside, for the coming time due,
And the glaciers to melt, when the moments want river to flow,
That's how my poem comes into existence,
As words find a direction to go.
And to tell, imperfection still exists,
And the incompleteness is born again,
And this relay has to go on and go on,
Since the baton is always on pass.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
Incorporating suggestions of very creative readers and writers Syd and Llyralen

And The Poem Originates

As the ragpicker picks all that, whatever can be later, of value,
The mind picks the drops of life around, and freezes it inside, for the coming time due,
And the glaciers to melt, when the moments want river to flow,
And starts weaving a profound crochet, out of strings of words, to grow and grow,
And imagination becomes those beautiful patterns,
So visible to eyes of, feelings, mind and emotions,
That's how my poem comes into existence,
Keeping that end knot of string, all open,
For the scope of incompleteness,
For the scope of imperfection.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Incorporating suggestions of very creative readers and writers Syd and Llyralen

And The Poem Originates

As the ragpicker picks all that, whatever can be later, of value,
The mind picks the drops of life around, and freezes it inside, for the coming time due,
And the glaciers to melt, when the moments want river to flow,
And starts weaving a profound crochet, out of strings of words, to grow and grow,
And imagination becomes those beautiful patterns,
So visible to eyes of, feelings, mind and emotions,
That's how my poem comes into existence,
Keeping that end knot of string, all open,
For the scope of incompleteness,
For the scope of imperfection.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
Last two lines dedicated to Syd and Llyralen. You both really made me imagine it that way, and I really love sort of incompleteness and imperfection( I always think it as possibility for, forever flow)
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really like the revision here. I totally agree that the incompleteness actually in a sense gives the piece finality, I think we could all continue to read and edit pieces that we’ve written without ever really ever finishing them and so it’s just a part of art that you have to leave it in an unfinished state no matter what you do.

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

Really like the revision here. I totally agree that the incompleteness actually in a sense gives the piece finality, I think we could all continue to read and edit pieces that we’ve written without ever really ever finishing them and so it’s just a part of art that you have to leave it in an unfinished state no matter what you do.

Cheers

Syd

Thanks for your efforts Syd

Good luck
Ritu
 
As the ragpicker picks all that, whatever can be later, of value,
The mind picks the drops of life around, and freezes it inside, for the coming time due,
And the glaciers to melt, when the moments want river to flow,
And starts weaving a profound crochet, out of strings of words, to grow and grow,
And imagination becomes those beautiful patterns,
So visible to eyes of, feelings, mind and emotions,
That's how my poem comes into existence,
Keeping that end knot of string, all open,
For the scope of incompleteness,
For the scope of imperfection.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
I love the imagery in this and the feelings that the words evoke.
 
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