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And just walk away (1 Viewer)

BostonsOwn

Senior Member
I know I’m dyin’
Just a bit as time goes by

And you know, I’m crying’
I still see that look in your eye

So while you try to say
You got nothin left
I feel you say my name
In the back of my chest

So here we are, we’re dyin’
And there’s no goin’ back

But all the same, I’m cryin’
Dreams are never made to last
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the structure and the way this reads in terms of flow, I’ve made a few suggestions below for you.

Cheers

Syd




I know I’m dyin’
Just a bit as time goes by

I think just a bit weakens the impact of the first line


And you know, I’m crying’
I still see that look in your eye

By removing still I think you make the piece active rather than passive


So while you try to say
You got nothin left
I feel you say my name
In the back of my chest

I like the rhythm and flow here


So here we are, we’re dyin’
And there’s no goin’ back

But all the same, I’m cryin’
Dreams are never made to last

I think this last line needs foreshadowing more, because it kind of comes with no set up
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
This sounds like it would make a fantastic song. I also like how you take away the "g" in your ing suffixes.

My only edit would be to continue your pattern and take away the "g" in L4.

Thank you for sharing!

-Annie
 
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