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An Unexpected Encounter (1 Viewer)

Pelwrath

WF Veterans
I found this in a folder and thought it had been lost. So a story from when I was in college. A





An Unexpected First Encounter



The man got out of the escorted limo, secret service agents ever watchful, with guns out. He was Jack Armsford, the director of CETI, the Center for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. He was also the son of the President of the United States and that was who wanted him here. The reason for his presence was more than what dad wanted. He'd told dad 'no' many times in his life and the fact dad was President wouldn't change that, if he felt the need.
However,that was the farthest thought from his mind. The object of his arrival came into view. The field had a golden glow with random arcs, like small lightning bolts. It was 35 meters across, well not exactly Jack thought, the field was globular and even extended underground the same 35 meters. The reason was there, not crystal clear but clear enough. An alien space ship, several descriptions had already been mentioned, flattened disc, flying wing,boomerang, all were partial correct. Well at least it happened before I died. Stage four liver cancer. Six maybe nine months. Oh well on to the here and now. Yet, though interesting, what intrigued him the most was the total lack of communication from the alien spaceship.
Arriving at the command post,he saw General McDarren. “Report general.” Jack said.
“Sir,the alien vessel landed here 17.5 hours ago. Special forces arrive 42 minutes later. Local law enforcement was on scene,a sheriff Raymond Floyd and 5 of his deputies. They admitted to fireing some shots at the shielded ship,with no effect. Units of the 101st airborne arrived 45 minutes later. The area, in a 30 mile radius has been cordoned off, nobody allowed in or out. The air forces has detailed planes to patrol and the air space has been declared off limits. The sheriff, his deputies and 21 other civilians are in a detaining tent. All cell phones and other devices have been removed.”
“Good. What has been tried to communicate with the ship?” The specialist at the bank of radios and monitors replied, “Sir, we've tried AM, FM, short wave and C.B radio. There was even a suggestion to bring in lights and a computerized synthesizer, like in the movie. Any way, there has been no response to any of the attempts, nor any attempt from the ship. In fact no signals of any kind from her.” the tech said.



Jack just looked at the filed surrounding the ship. “General, what weapons have been tried on the shield?”
“Sir, just small arms, machine guns and a LAW (light anti tank weapon). No effect, Well actually th effect was most unusual. The weapons just hit the shield and stopped. Even the L.A.W. No explosion, the projectile just stopped when it hit the shield and fell to the ground.” his voice full of surprise.
“Tell me about the shield general.” Jack said his expression showing much surprise.
“It appears to be an electrical shifting field. It shifts it polarization and charge. As you can see leaves and dust propelled by the wind actually go through. The shield has no major temperature difference, radar and radio don't penetrate the shield. Yet light and wind do penetrate No heat is emitted by the shield, nor radiation. “
“So, its safe to approach?” jack asked
“Well uh, yes, I guess so Director.” general McDarren said.
“Good, let us take a walk.”
The general paled a bit at the request.”Sir, though the shield maybe safe, we still have no information on the occupants of the ship. They might be hostile and you being the presidenst son, we can't risk your life.”
“Interesting statement. You've admitted that we've fired weapons at them and they might be the hostile ones! Besides if they know I'm the Presidents son, we've got a bigger problem. Maybe the old fashion way of communications will work.” Jack said
“What way is that?” the general said with some sarcasm.
“Why, I'll ask our new neighbors if I can borrow a cup of sugar “ he replied and started off for the shielded alien ship. The general and a squad of soldiers and several secret service, immediately started following after. The general muttering about damn civilians even if he was presidents son. It took about 7 minutes fro them to arrive and Jack began by looking at the shield, then walking around its perimeter. After 10 mintes or so, he stopped and slowly put his hand closer to the shield. No heat as the general had said, though he did feel a slight tingling and the hairs on his arm began to stand up, much like the effect of static electricity. There wasn't any sparking as his hand came to about 2 inches from the shield. While looking at the shield and seeing that some cottonwood fluff was passing through the shield, Jack had an idea, perhaps born of logic but in reality born of a fear of death, he thought If cottonwood fluff can, why not try, not like I'm going to live forever.
To the surprise of all, jack just jumped through the shield.





When Jack came to or woke up, all depending on the perspective, he was in a room, about 15 x 15, laying on the floor. The room was empty and he had his clothes on. He looked around, nobody else in the room, so he stood up and then said “Hello?” 15 seconds passed without a reply, so he said again “Hello. My name is Jack Armsford.” He heard a reply “Greetings Jack Armsford. Are you feeling well?”
Not mechanical sounding and perfect English. “Well, I do feel like I was hit by a truck, what happened to me?”
“Mr. Armsford, we were totally unprepared for your attack, well your attempt to penetrate the shield. We immediately compensated for our lack of foresight, so it wont happen again. In terms you would understand and though not fully correct, you could say that yo walked through a lightning bolt or energy wall. Why would you do something like that?”
“I wanted to meet you. The first person to met and contact aliens on our planet.” he said, knowing that that wasn't the full reason.
The voice answered back. “Interesting that however, we can sense isn't the only reason. What else?”
Crap, they can read my mind!! “Okay, seeing as you have such technology as an interstellar spaceship, I felt that you would have better medical knowledge and well could make me live longer.”
There was a pause befroe the reply came. “Mr. Armsford, while possible we wouldn't do that. Do to the unexpected action you preformed in passing through the shield, we did examine your biological systems and made a few corrections due to the effect of passing through the shield caused to you. You'll live the normal 75 to 80 revolutionary cycles of your planet around the sun. To grant you longer life would be wrong and against our laws. We had almost finished our repairs when you passed through the shield and those have since been completed. We'll be leaving shortly and you will be shown the way out. Due to our mechanical failure, your species now knows for a certainty, that life outside their planet does exist, a fact shouldn't have happened but was unavoidable. We've hidden our-self from sight and altered our voice to minimize further contamination. Please follow the open egresses. Good by Mr. Armsford.”
An arch ppeared in a wall and that led to a hallway which then lead to an archway and a ramp down. As I walked down the ramp all that I thought was..You'll live a normal 75 or 80 revolutionary cycles!
 

Unconsoled

Senior Member


Hey there Pelwrah,

He was also the son of the President of the United States and [strike]that[/strike] he was who wanted him here.The reason for his presence was more than what dad wanted. He'd told dad 'no' many times in his life and the fact thatdad was President wouldn't change that(?), if he felt the need.

Wouldn't change what? Why did Dad want him there? It isn't much clear.

Sir,the alien vessel landed here 17.5 hours ago. Special forces arrived 42 minutes later.


“Good. What has been tried to communicate with the ship?”


The dialogue here seems a bit too "formal" to me. Looks like you were trying really hard to make it believable. Why not a simple: ...You tried to communicate with the ship?

There was even a suggestion to bring in lights and a computerized synthesizer, like in the movie. Any way,
Like in the movie? Why on earth would high class military people take suggestions-or even ideas-from a movie? Movies show stuff, but don't show how you make that stuff. They don't really make "it."

There are "comma" issues here. You seem to ignore them at places. A period is missing in this sentence, and the quotation mark that's supposed to end the dialogue is incorrect:

Yet light and wind do penetrate No heat is emitted by the shield, nor radiation. “


You have some technical errors, such as here:

They might be hostile and you being the [strike]presidenst[/strike]President's son, we can't risk your life.”


I like this line a lot:
When Jack came to or woke up, all depending on the perspective, he was in a room, about 15 x 15, laying on the floor.
It was well structured.

In terms you would understand and though not fully correct, you could say that [strike]yo[/strike]you walked


Crap, they can read my mind!!
I thought jack was in third person?

Anyways, story-wise, this is really interesting. Your technical Jargon was fascinating at places and at most places, the dialogue clicked. All in all, I felt it was pretty neat and the story seemed really good.

Sharyar.
By the way, I have story posted in the romance section, titled " This story was brought to you by the Conservative mother's union", if you're interested.

 
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Pelwrath

WF Veterans
@Unconsoled. Thanks for the read and comments. Grammar was my worst subject and has never improved much, ever with attempts to go slow and spend extra time. A friend of mine mentioned that I have a tendency to switch between 1st and 3d person and that doing such is a bit dangerous but can be interesting and potentially effective. I'll go back and edit for grammar and such, my thanks again for pointing them out.
 

Folcro

Creative Area Specialist (Fiction)
WF Veterans
As far as syntax is concerned, let me brush over it real quick with a simple example:

"The man got out of the escorted limo, secret service agents ever watchful, with guns out." Get rid of the three underlined words and watch out for dangling modifiers: the agents have guns out, not the man.

On to the content...

Your style has clearly changed (for the better) from when you were in college, so much of what I say you may already realize, but focusing on the mistakes you made then can still help you to avoid them now. The main problem with this story, in my opinion, is THS (Talking Heads Syndrome). Notice your dialogue in this story. When two people talk, it's like the world around them stops, and they are sucked into a vacuum out of space and time. Show me what these guys are doing as they speak: smoking a cigarette, checking the safety on their guns, typing on a computer, inspecting the bugars they pulled out of their noses. Show me how this alien guy moves; his mannerisms, facial expressions. Be the director. Think about where you want the camera at every moment. Put your reader in the room with these guys.

As far as the concept goes, it seemed generic... up until the end. There was a spark there. Small, but enough. Still, I personally would much rather you focus your efforts on When a Thief is Not a Thief. Much more going on in that one, and I feel a stronger pull from it than this. But still, the spark is there.
 
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Pelwrath

WF Veterans
Thanks. Yes, my daughter also commented on the difference then added It was nice to see you got C's in college. I will spend the time on "When a Thief isn't a Thief" over this story.
 

lowprofile300

Senior Member
Thanks. Yes, my daughter also commented on the difference then added It was nice to see you got C's in college. I will spend the time on "When a Thief isn't a Thief" over this story.

@Pelwrah, I am in total agreement with Folcro on this. Maybe someday you can come back to this, with a twist, intrigue and suspense galore. Cheers
 

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