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An Evening in the Life of a Victim (1 Viewer)

Mieksta

Senior Member
This is the first and only story I've written up to this point. Still critique it mercilessly.


I didn't see the punch, hell, I didn't even feel it. What I did feel was my body fall to the floor.( Head first, naturally.) I felt the slick blacktop as I got to my knees. Slick with what? Blood. The next thing I remember is hearing laughter. It sounded far away compared to the ringing going on in my head. The first face I saw was Jimmy's.
Jimmy, my attacker, wasn't your average bully. What others did casually and for sport, he had made into and art. Actually, come to think of it, I'm quite luckily he chose to beat me. I'd heard of much crueler methods used by him.
He was wearing a raggedy, maroon wife beater and the school mandated khaki shorts. He didn't say anything. Just flashed me a crooked toothed smile and took my wallet right out of my my pocket. With that he hit me again. I felt it this time. The blow had knocked me onto back. I didn't fight the darkness that was threatening to consuming my vision.
When I woke up it was dark. I had been out for at least a few hours. I sat up and was overcome by a headache worse than the punches. I took a few deep breaths and took in my surroundings. I was in and alley. They must have carried, I spotted a trail of dried blood, okay dragged me here.
The dizziness and pain became too much, so I sat down and too a head count of my injuries. My entire face was inflamed. Just touching it made me dizzy. The left side definitely got the worst of it. The gash over my left eye had crusted over with blood. My forearms and knees were also scraped up.
After about five minutes, I decided that it was time to head home. That prospect became much less inviting when I realized I'd have to walk, since my wallet was gone.

I took nearly an hour to limp home. It wouldn't have been so bad if the whole walk wasn't uphill. When I got there the lights were out, so I sat on the porch for about 15 minutes to catch my breath. After I was ready, I crept in to house.
I nearly flopped down onto the couch before remembering that I couldn't let anyone see me like this. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. A monster stared back at me from the mirror. There was blood caked the left side of my severely swollen face. It was in my hair and on my clothes too. My lip was split and I was scraped up. I turned the shower to cold and hopped in. The first few seconds were shockingly painful, but after awhile I started to go numb.
After about 20 minutes I put on some pajamas, got an ice pack and went to bed.
 

JamesOliv

Senior Member
I don't usually like dialogue free blocks of description, but I thought this was interesting. One sentence bothered me:

"They must have carried,, okay dragged me here."

I get what you were going for here. But with a dense narrative like this sentences meant to read like the narrator is speaking can be a bit awkward. I had to re-read the sentence at first. I would just say:

"I spotted a trail of dried blood; they must have dragged me here."

if you have dialogue breaking up your story, you can sometimes afford a little extra floweriness. But if I have to read through nothing but description, I typically want it to flow as smoothly as possible.
 

Mieksta

Senior Member
Thanks for looking over my story, I see what you mean James. That's actually one of the parts of the story I had trouble with.
 

chrisps

Member
I like the voice you've laid out; however, I'd focus on the grammar/diction. For instance, the sentence structure reads in a very abbreviated manner and could potentially work better longer and more flowing descriptions. For ex. "He didn't say anything. Just flashed me a crooked toothed smile and took my wallet right out of my my pocket." could be "With a mute, crooked toothed smile, he took my wallet out of my pocket " Something like that, which blends all the ideas into a more fluid sentence might work well. Overall though, really good bones to what could be a great work.
 

mukesh

Senior Member
The first person approach is really awesome to read and write too. Maybe you enjoyed writing as much I enjoyed reading. Cheers!!!
 

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