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An English Personal Essay (1 Viewer)

T

TheArchitect

This is a paper I wrote in my English 101 Class and I was hoping someone could read it for me and tell me what you think and possibly help me improve it.

(Im new is there another way to send my work besides an attachment? I tried to copy and paste and it wouldnt let me. I know I can always write it.)
 

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mammamaia

Senior Member
don't know why you couldn't... i just did... here:





The Icestorm

I could see a figure dart across the room, not quite reaching its destination; it was stopped abruptly by a blinding flash. The lightning had lit up the room bright as day. Though only for a second, long enough for me to see the frightened dog, its head hanging low and body shaking violently. The same dog, hours before, had walked the streets of our neighborhood strutting with the attitude and stature of a great hound in pursuit of the opposite sex. Now his true strength and size was being revealed. The source of the dog's fear was tapping franticly at the window and howling noisily. Every now and then heavenly violence displayed a bright flash and low rumble, making the dog and everyone else in the room worry and wonder when the storm would subside. For hours the storm went on, fighting hard and long; getting angrier then subsiding for a few moments only to come back full strength in an attempt at what it seemed was to blow the house down. The storm finally died down enough for me to relax. I found a spot in the crowded bed where we all laid, finding protection in my parent's protection and the storm's end. I finally found sleep.

I woke up the next morning full of excitement, but rather cold. The storm had cut off the electricity and the air was as cold inside as it was outside, but that didn't matter to me at the moment; I couldn't wait to see what the "beast" from last night had left behind. I got dressed as quickly as I could, piling on as much as I could because I knew that it was going to be very cold just from what it felt like inside the house. Opening the door I was stopped dead in my tracks, my mouth to the floor. It was like nothing I had never seen before, everything had frozen! Around the eves of the house hung icicles long and short, some thick and some thin. I could see now what was hitting the windows last night, and I was amazed and thankful that the little ice rocks did not break the windows. My mom later told me that the ice was called "hail." I remember asking her why they called it "Hell" when it was ice. There were tree branches scattered everywhere and the trees looked naked. What, was once a thick green, was now thin and frozen.

The cement had a thin layer of ice covering the top, and I could hear my mother in the back warning me to be careful not to slip. Like any kid, I paid no heed to what she said as I ran as fast as I could, slipping and sliding on the sheet of ice. Unable to stop myself, I flew off the cement landing painfully on the grass. I could hear the glass crunch as I landed and moved about, and my brother laughing at me as I lay in the cold grass. The grass was frozen just as the cement was, but the grass broke off as I landed. Getting up with ice stuck all over me, I paid no attention and ran after my brother. We had played for what seemed like hours; even the dog from last night with regained courage joined us and investigated the whole ordeal. By the time it was late and we were going in, our faces were beet red and frozen numb. Soaking wet from the melted ice, not feeling liquid running from our noses, we returned to the house.

About the time my brother and I made it back to the house it was getting pretty late. We noticed the cars outside our house which we were expecting after overhearing my parents earlier that morning. They were saying they would invite family over considering we are the only ones that had a gas stove. We were disappointed as we entered the house expecting a little warmth within the house. I followed my brother into the kitchen searching from some kind of warmth. We stopped at the stove as were passing by to feel the warmth of the fire. I stood there for many minutes trying to get feeling back in my face and fingers. After a while I moved along inspecting all who were there, and then made my way to the living room where many others sat and talked. I sat next to my dad and went over all I had experienced that day.

That day is something that I will most probably never forget. People still talk about it, because of the bizarreness of it all. That kind of weather in Louisiana is something very uncommon. At the time it was the closest thing I had ever seen to snow, and the ice storm was a very exciting thing for me at that point in my life. The family fellowship we had was also something I enjoyed. It was the first time in a long time that I could remember my whole family getting together which means a lot to me. The whole thing was something very exciting and will stay with me forever.

your paragraphs are awfully long... i'd divide this up in smaller pieces, to make it more reader-friendly, for starters... it does need some work... if you want to send it to me, i'll be glad to show you where and how... it's a bit much to do in a post...

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]
 
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Mammamia is right. Your essay is too long and this might be result of losing the interest of readers. Much better if you would stick to your primary purpose and subject. Remember that dull paragraph pushes the readers away and even too long starting paragraph. So one of the effective secret of every successful essay is having enticing lead which grabs the readers’ eyes to finish the entire essay and if you want you can also use powerful words but not too much.
 
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