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Am I to your taste now ? (1 Viewer)

Soma

Member
[FONT=&quot]One of the texts i've written during a sleepless night :

Is it enough?
Please love me for what I've become
I've done so much and I'm so tired
Am I to your taste now
Years of flawless self discipline
Working on myself every second
Trying to fit into the narrative
Trying to fit to what you've seen in me
Your definition of myself
Forgetting my self to be the perfect child
All groomed, well mannered
Knowledgeable and tasteful
With lot of restraint
Restraint that makes me close on myself
Restraint that makes me choose the same patterns
Every day for everything
Always following the logical path
The path to your salvation
The ideal unreachable path
My shackles are set too tight
I cannot be your taste
I wanna be your taste
Can we tolerate imperfections?
Can I rest ?
Is it enough now ?

I have a few problems with it : I feel like it's more of a chain of idea that an actual text and there's no real rhymes, the syllables are quite random...
I'd like to write text for musics so I don't know if it fits.[/FONT]
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

there is a real palpable sense of self interrogation, of doubt about this piece that is very relatable. Behind all of this there is the concern and idea that we shouldn’t have to change ourselves to be someone’s ideal. This piece speaks to me of the early steps towards self love and the need to be mindful.

In terms of how I think you can improve this, I think the speaker asks too many rhetorical questions I’m not saying they should be answered but it makes the piece feel one sided and because of this it feels like you’re telling the reader rather than showing them.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

Soma

Member
That's totally true ! I'm telling the reader because in fact, i'm telling that to someone I know. This is totally directed to someone.
Thanks for your piece of mind though :)
 
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