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Alternatives for this paragraph (1 Viewer)

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I'm new to this forum and I hope I'm in the right place for what I want. I was a bit confused as to where to post this but then I decided to post it at the place where I can get advice, tips and tricks.

Okay, so I'm writing a bunch of serious (non-fiction!) essays about the Indian education system that I'm going to be submitting for some serious critiques later and I want to convey the precise meanings that I have in mind through my language. Right now, there's a lot of room for improvement in what I've written. I thought seeking your help would be better than doing it all by myself.

So, here's my predicament at the moment - I'm writing this one essay where I compare the education system in India to a game. I use the analogy of a game with artificial rules to describe the education system. I'm not sure about my choice of words or how portray/frame the analogy. Perhaps there are better alternatives and you could point me to them.

Here's the paragraph that I'm writing:-

"Imagine you’re a participant in a game. Every able and eligible person participates in it and the majority of them take this game so seriously that they unanimously believe that their life depends on their performance in it. As does every game, this game has artificial rules, meaning, they’re made up. These artificial rules do not accurately reflect the rules of the real world. So, the strategies used for winning the game don’t do the participants much good when they’re in pursuit of a real world achievement outside of the game. The majority of the participants see their life as being entirely dedicated to this game and they go by the artificial rules to be part of the winning community. The game is competitive in nature and the criteria involve showing blind obedience, making undue sacrifices and most importantly, showing endurance. Since the game is competitive in nature, there are winners and losers. The reward for the winners in the game is puny. With the amount of dedication, hard work, focus and competitiveness that is put in by the participants, they could be achieving things higher than merely winning the game for the sake of the bragging rights that come with it…if only their goals and channeling of their energy were not misplaced. On the other hand, for those termed as “losers” by the game, there’s so much compulsion and peer pressure and parental pressure that some of them prefer suicidal death over the consequences of losing the edge in the game."

The later part of the essay that comes after this paragraph contains the detailed interpretation of this analogy where I elaborate on what these descriptions of the game mean in reference to the real thing.

Here, what I'm trying to convey is that the students who participate in the Indian education system are merely participating in a game where the rules of winning are not characterized by the rules of winning in the real world. For the record, what I think is winning in the real world is innovating, inventing, discovering something new and basically providing new and applicable insights to real world problems. And the Indian education system doesn't prepare the students for this. It merely focuses on rote memorization, drilling the students with extraordinary amounts of irrelevant workloads and imbibes a sense of do or die outlook in the students, all of which I consider unhealthy. In the end, the students are just not prepared for real world challenges where they'd have to think independently, originally, creatively, laterally or in an innovative way.

For now, I just want to know of better, simpler and more efficient ways of putting my thoughts into words.

Hope you can help me!



No, this is posted in the right place. This is for discussing portions of work, it's fine.
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