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Aisle of Paradise (1 Viewer)

alixer

Senior Member
As far as her backstory goes, I'd like to see how she got where she is today. If there was something crazy that landed her and her father (and mother... perhaps?) in this shanty town. I'm not sure where you're planning on going with this but I do look forward to seeing more!
 

Ariel

WF Veterans
I didn't realize that Jennifer didn't work at the store until it's revealed that she was fifteen and even then I thought "thieving part-time worker." So, for me, that was really unclear. But maybe I'm the only one?

I like the descriptions and the characterization. I feel like I know the characters just from this bit and I know the town.

Unlike everyone else above me I kind of hope she was hit by a train and this "new life" is a continuation of her fantasy world (perhaps set more realistically?) as she dies and flashback of her real life and that the revelation of her death doesn't come until the end.
 

Brock

WF Veterans
You paint a beautiful, yet painful description of this young woman. Like Trent said, I would picture this girl as being a bit older, possibly 16-17. This is your story, however, and a soon-to-be 15-year-old could fit.
I thoroughly enjoyed this and would love to read more. Great read!
 

Pietro

Senior Member
Catchy exquisite opening line. Beautifully described physical encounter, from the bare skin on the shoulder, the ear, the hair, the arms and hands, the temperature, to the bosom. The unshaven jaw came to confirm that every part of the two beings contributes to this caress, and I found it appropriate.
Equally appropriate blunt transition… but it came too early. Though the description and story-telling in the part after “This isn’t a library” are not at all long or boring: they are beautiful. But zooming out and looking at the text as a whole, I would have enjoyed a larger “fraction” of daydreaming. Say fifty fifty maybe, the transition should’ve come in the middle. Sink us deeper into the dream, so that we feel reality’s agony heavier.
I always feel I’m a bad person when I criticize. To be honest, it’s a quite enjoyable beautifully written prose, and no need to want it tailored to my preferences. :)
 

paco

Member
I'm normally a science fiction reader, and was curious to see what other genres have to offer. I really enjoyed this piece! The descriptions in the daydream section flowed really nicely. Something about the phrase "blue grave" and the word "plethora" raised a few alarms and pulled me out of the story a bit, but that's probably just me.

The transition also left me momentarily confused. Initially I thought it was the wrong person she was kissing and it took me a few sentences to catch up with what was going on. Maybe a sharp word in there to give it a jolt. Unfortunately all I can think of is "snap" or "bang"! Maybe I just need more coffee.

I liked the way you repeated the guys title after his name numerous times ("
Jeff Kemper, Assistant Manager") - really made me think of a greasy self-important manager type. It seemed just the right amount - not too often to get annoying, but often enough to get the point across.

Being new to the forum, i'm not really sure how much of a critique I should be putting in - i've tried to stick with my reactions as they occurred and tried to identify what made them happen. I really enjoyed this piece, and loved the flow and proportions. You have a very fluid style, great work!



 

allenasm

Senior Member
The descriptions and imagery are engaging. I would be interested in reading more of this story. Nicely done!
 
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