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Advice on my story idea/summary? (2 Viewers)

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Dax

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Dunno if this is the right place... hope so! If not, I'd appreciate if a mod could move it :)

Anyway, I've been free writing a lil bit recently. I'm an artist but I also hope to be a novelist someday, so I want to start writing. I've never written a full story, but this shall be my first attempt!
Quick Basic Societal Hierarchy, so you can understand this:
Commoners
Scholars
Priestess
Lord
Chancellor
Archetype (the observers)
Viscount/Viscountess
Mechanic(secret)
Scientist(secret)
The Entity
-Freya 6 is an ambitious young scholar who hopes to become a high priestess. She comes from a lineage of a dead legacy of several Archetypes that fell down to the Commoner level about a century ago. She is very competitive with Varun 5, her twin brother, who is also a scholar. Throughout the course of the story, Varun's resentment for his sister's success quietly grows and eventually consumes him. Freya is friends with Kismet, who was born into the Lord position and is currently a lord-Prince. Although he does not share her ambitious quality, they are close friends and he is her connection to the high-ranked world. In a society that revolves very much on hierarchy, having important connections is crucial. At an event with Kismet one night, she wanders into a room where Kluaka, a rare High Scholar, is telling a story to several listeners. There, she meets Roell, the Lord-Prince of a different region. He is very entranced by the story, and upon discovering who he is, Free tries to connect with(befriend) him. He shares with her his thoughts of the story and alters it in an unusual way. This catches her attention, and, intrigued, she asks him more about his views. He appreciates her genuine interest but says that he does not trust her, he has seen her type and how they manipulate people of ranks through connections and does not want to get involved. She is a little taken back by his bluntness, but calls it fair. Several days later, Kismet's Father, the Lord, dies of a condition that had been consuming him for years but had taken a large toll on him recently. At the age of 19, Kismet is no longer Prince, but Lord Kismet. Freya is promoted to a Priestess earlier the same day, and gets into an argument provoked by her brother. Two weeks later, Kismet, using his connections, is able to go with Freya to the Eve of the Entity, a prestigious event taking place the night before the New Age (This is like their New Year, and takes place every 3 earth months). It is said that even the Entity Himself appears sometimes. Well he does, and she catches his eye for a moment. He speaks of the skies to the crowd and then leaves. She finds Roell and hits it off much better with him, and they become friends. The next three months, she befriends Tate, an Archetype, who is one of Roell's friends. Her and Varun's relationship worsens, and she moves out to live with Kismet. Once again, Free and Kismet attend the Eve. This time, Entity is acting strangely. He asks Free to dance, and hits on her fuhrrrreal. The following day, Free and Roell are suddenly promoted to Viscount and Viscountess. This isolates them considerably from the rest of the world, and they grow close. Free is beyond thrilled at their promotion, but Roell seems to be growing less happy with each passing day. Entity is no longer acting strangely. Finally, Roell confides in Free that he does not think Entity is a God and that the hierarchy is rigged an oppressive and encourages only close-mindedness. Being very convincing, Roell manages to sway her. Together, they kidnap the Entity. They swiftly head to Kismet, who goes with them and provides them with horses. They purchase another mare with their remaining money. To their surprise, news has not seemed to spread at all. -

This is what I have so far, I plan on detailing it a lot more and clarifying some things soon. The story goes on much longer than this, and after they run away the body of the Entity turns out to have been a puppet all along controlled by something called a Divine, and this creature, having gone mad, tries to destroy the humans in a series of epic battles and yaaaahhh.... oh and some romance between Freya and Roell, a conflict with her twin brother, and some other subplot dramas. 8D
Anyway, I'd like some opinions so far. Any cliches that I've fallen into? (Free isn't marysue-like, she's got a good amount of eff'd up in her, I promise xP. And the Entity having an initial interest in her turns out to have almost nothing to do with her). Also, the genre is science fiction, despite taking place in a low-tech civilization (you'll see why).
Suggestions appreciated *0*
 
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Stephanie J.

Senior Member
Hi, Dax... I think you'll get more feedback if you can boil down your story idea to one or two very brief paragraphs...kind of like the description on the back cover of a book. It will be much easier for us to read.
 
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