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advice me, please : ) (1 Viewer)

B

boundless-universe

hello, it's jack here, hope you are all having a great night.​
i just wrote an article for school, it's about my opinions on a piece of writing.
please correct any of my mistakes --- please! : )

THANK YOU




‘The debutantes’ ball’, it’s a formal and traditional event for the students in their senior years at high school. It’s a time where their academic accomplishments are celebrated, but more importantly – to have and enjoy the best time (or one of the best times) of their high school lives. Unfortunately for some students, there are parents who disagree over small financial sacrifices, which lead to possible absence of their sons and daughters at the ball. And obviously, Averill Moore is one of those parents.

Averill Moore, like most of the other parents, is having major contradictions on this matter, which probably is the unrealized cause to their wrong ideas and impressions, on the debutantes’ ball.

She firstly stated that the cost to attend this event is overwhelming, ‘Then there is the enormous expense, particularly for the girls, who can spend up to four times what the boys must fork out – anything up to $100.’, then she stated about the sexism which she ‘thinks’ exists within the event, ‘And heaven help the gay kids who would prefer to go with a partner of the same sex; they are definitely not invited.’. These comments are wrote in such a way, it’s making you think it’s compulsory and a must to attend and bring an opposite sex partner.

But if you have notice, she also stated, ‘Although it is non-compulsory, all year 11 girls and boys at my husband’s school are encouraged to attend the annual debutante ball, provided they take part in extensive dance classes, are accompanied by a partner of the opposite sex and adhere to a strict formal dress code. A little more than half attend.’

‘Although it is non-compulsory’, this means it is optional, the students can choose whether to go or not. ‘…adhere to a strict formal dress code’, this means there is a strict ‘dress code’, not ‘sex code’.

It should be pretty clear to you now, her contractions are obvious. In her article, she kept complaining about the ‘enormous cost’ and the ‘sexism’ which she thinks this event involves. But none of these are ‘real problems’: if the parents and/or the student feels the event costs too much to attend, then there’s an option of not going, this means there are no pressure being put on the financial side; the school did not state that bring a partner of the same sex is forbidden, this means bring a same sex partner is possible, it all depends on the student’s braveness. Last of all, like she stated, ‘A little more than half attend.’ this means it is very common not to attend and there are no pressures being put on the emotional side of the students.

All of these has proved one thing, the event is not compulsory, the student won’t feel pressured and Averill Moore’s thoughts and opinions on the debutantes’ ball are wrong. But most importantly, it has proved the debutantes’ ball is a great-traditional event.
 
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Mungye

Senior Member
I found your piece interesting. The trouble for me is I don't know the school rules about writing an article that is about a real situation, or am I confused here and not interpreting correctly? And is that the lady's actual name, are you allowed to do that?
Not everyone has that sort of money to pay out and so I don't see how it is either right or wrong, it is merely one person's opinion. I would major on the event and minor on her comments. You end by saying how great the tradition of the ball is so that would be my focus. But I did enjoy reading this. Thankyou.
 
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