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Adultery; (1 Viewer)

MamaStrong

Senior Member
Mamastrong,
leaving isn't always so straight forward.

If only it were possible to switch off one's libido, or put it on hold for a while. Would make life so much happier i reckon.


To me it is. The only reason I'd even hesitate would be because of my kids. Even then though, I wouldn't want my kids to have to sit there and be a part of an unhappy marriage. Because that's essentially what adultery is steaming from...and unhappy marriage.
 

Kevin

WF Veterans
breaking the agreement they made to be monogamous.
yes, of course... and if the other partner changes the assumed(?) agreement first, regarding presumed monogamous 'relations' by no longer wishing to participate?
 

MamaStrong

Senior Member
Kids... the division (or loss) of all of one's assets... after attorney fees, court fees... alimony, palimony, child support.

These are all reasons why I wouldn't commit the act. Kids alone would stop me from even looking at another man, no matter how attractive he may be. I also come from a broken home and would never subject my kids to such unneeded mess. They deserve better, and so do I. My husband and I both made a personal vow to each other that we would work through anything...except cheating.
 

Pluralized

Black Dracula
WF Veterans
Lust and fulfillment thereof are temporary. Sadness, regret, and the destruction of an otherwise functional relationship can be much longer-lasting.
 

The Green Shield

WF Veterans
Makes you realise how boring Adam was if Eve had to hold a conversation with a snake.

Snake: Can you sssssee how odd all thisss isss??

Eve: Hey, you try to hold a conversation and be interested in the only other human being on the planet when all he wants to do is make up names for every single creature that he comes across. BORING!

Snake: I ssssee...

~*~

On topic, it's a sticky subject, to be sure. I will say this much: if my (hypothetical) wife wanted to commit adultery, I'll simply say, 'All right, I'll help you split so you can go be happier with that guy.' Yeah, it'll still sting but if being together is making the both of us miserable, then wouldn't it be better if we both split and went to find our own personal happiness?
 

bazz cargo

Retired Supervisor
We make the rules, we break the rules.

What is the atomic weight of love? Have we found the justice particle? Has anyone split the fairness atom? Is the funny bone x-ray yet to develop?

We are animals, some of us have worked out that a mind can overrule instincts and make us that bit more. Some of us are embracing the roots of our species. The extreme cynical end of the spectrum even use this to their advantage by manipulating others with it.

I can't watch Jeremy Kyle, it is far too painful, poor apes.
 

shadowwalker

WF Veterans
The statutes I've reviewed make no provision for permission and neither do the definitions. It's adultery for sure if the woman is married, usually if the man is, nothing mentioned about same sex adultery. Doesn't matter who knows or agrees.

Statutes are only of value when it comes to divorce and, with no-fault divorce being pretty much the norm in the States, of little value anyway. If the case arrives where they need to resort to statutes, the partnership's in the s***hole anyway.

yes, of course... and if the other partner changes the assumed(?) agreement first, regarding presumed monogamous 'relations' by no longer wishing to participate?

If one partner wants to change the agreement, it's a whole new ballgame. The whole idea is that people made a commitment, a promise, to each other (regardless of the terms of that promise) and they need to abide by that. If circumstances change, then the person wanting to change the agreement needs to own up to it, and either work out a new agreement, live with the old, or leave.
 

Riptide

WF Veterans
So here I was going to diligently read every single comment, but then time got in the way and I didn't. It's already an over eaten, chewed and spit out topic, but in my opinion, I wouldn't ever do it in a million years. I've seen countless relationships end because some one is cheating and it hasn't even physically ended and I don't know if it ever will end.

I think it sets up bad habits. If you do it once what is to say you wont do it again? How can you build trust in a relationship built on lies? I mean, really. In my opinion, you can leave the guy, or girl, first, before going around and sleeping with everyone
 

dale

Senior Member
We make the rules, we break the rules.

What is the atomic weight of love? Have we found the justice particle? Has anyone split the fairness atom? Is the funny bone x-ray yet to develop?

We are animals, some of us have worked out that a mind can overrule instincts and make us that bit more. Some of us are embracing the roots of our species. The extreme cynical end of the spectrum even use this to their advantage by manipulating others with it.

I can't watch Jeremy Kyle, it is far too painful, poor apes.

i don't agree with the "animal instinct" argument as an excuse. because if you use the animal instinct argument
as a justification for adultery, then a person's 1st animal instinct reaction to the adultery very well may be one of
bloodlust and murder. so if you're gonna justify adultery with animal instinct, then you'd also have to justify the
murder of the adulterous couple by the same token.
 

JamesR

Senior Member
I've got mixed feelings about this issue. One, I really don't believe that sexual monogamy is biologically natural to human beings. It seems more so to be a manmade social convention imposed on the West and her colonies by legal practicality and the Judeo-Christian religious tradition. The Enlightenment further reinforced this with its concept of the "soulmate" and love as infatuation and the like. By that same token, neither is the monasticism I idealize so much biologically natural either, or a host of other things we do to ourselves. Humans don't need to be enslaved to nature. That's what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. With that said, while I find adultery *understandable* due to its biological undertone, I can never find it acceptable. First and foremost, in cases where children are involved, it often destroys families. And I believe children deserve a steady, loving, and healthy family. I've seen firsthand the harm that divorce does to children and it isn't good. In fact, I have very little respect for such adults who cause divorce by cheating or divorce over trivial things. The world doesn't just revolve around you any longer; you have responsibility to your children. Accept it. The second reason, and this goes whether or not children are involved, is that it emotionally abuses a person. It steals their heart so to speak. When you make a promise to someone, which seems to be what marriage and relationships mean, you should have the dignity to uphold that promise. Don't lie and tarnish it by adultery. Either bear it or completely renounce it. And if you don't like it, then you should not have put yourself there in the first place.

Personally I'm an aromantic. I have literally no emotional desire for a relationship or partner. I think it partially has to due with some of my mommy-issues and mental conditions which run in the family. But regardless, I know that due to my "carnal" weakness, I would not be able to do monogamy. Therefore, I try to avoid marriage altogether. At least this way, no one will ever end up hurt and I won't ever commit adultery. Does it sting submitting to a life of ever virginity? Of course. But you get used to it.
 

Pidgeon84

WF Veterans
I'm with Boofy on this one. I think we're putting too much weight on to sex. I'm not saying everyone should just go around and sleep with everyone else, but you should at least be able to discuss an open relationship with your partner with out any harsh judgements being made. We're human, we've evolved in a way that we want to get jiggy with every other person we look at. If my partner sleeps with someone else, but is upfront with me about it, I'm OK. I think this is an issue where we've really circumvented human nature for reasons I'm not sure of.

Anyways, I guess what I'm saying is sex doesn't have to be an end all, be all thing. You can make it whatever you want. If an open relationship is something you and your partner decide against and you still go outside that, that's obviously not good. I don't think it's worthy of a stoning, but it's definitely not good.
 

LeeC

WF Veterans
I don't mean to be too sterile about all this, but it seems to me everyone is speaking from their subjective selves, as if that's the primary perspective. Of course any life form sees behavior (among other things) from their own perspective, so I'm not being condemnatory either. As in many life forms "sleep around" ;-) Even so, in our case, not doing so may be an admirable quality to our longer term benefit, reaching beyond our subjective state.

The bigger picture, employed through such natural order drives, is the continuance of physical life overall. That is in maintaining some balance in necessary biodiversity so too few species don't bring the house of cards down. The key being varying gene selection to facilitate adaptation to inevitable changes. "Survival of the fittest" doesn't mean favoring brutishness, but rather potential adaptability.



"It is one of the more striking generalizations of biochemistry - which surprisingly is hardly ever mentioned in the biochemical textbooks - that the twenty amino acids and the four bases, are, with minor reservations, the same throughout Nature." ~ Francis Crick
 

shadowwalker

WF Veterans
For me, it's not about one person "straying", or even having sex with someone else. The issue is trust. Wh'd want to live with a liar and a cheat? Who'd want their kids to have that as a role model? I find out someone cheated on their partner, and even though they could be the nicest person in all other respects, I'm not going to trust them further than I can throw a bull by the horns.
 

denmark423

Senior Member
Someone should write a book about adultery. I believe many will not be interested to read that book, but it will be helpful to couples especially family.
 

dither

Member
WF Veterans
I totally agree 423.
Fifty shades i would suggest as there is no black and/or white here imho.
 

am_hammy

WF Veterans
From what I've seen from my friends and from people much closer to me, usually adultery or cheating of any kind results from someone being unhappy. Whether it's legitimate unhappiness in the current relationship because of the other person or there's deeply rooted issues in the actual person who is cheating.

If you're committed to someone, and you feel an urge, you need to communicate with your partner. Otherwise the issue won't ever be resolved or prevented.

If someone wants to go around like that, they might as well just break it off with the person. Of course it's never that simple is it? There is always a reason or an excuse as to why someone doesn't want to leave or still wants to spin a web of lies, until they are so tangled that it chokes everyone around them.

It's unfortunate in many cases that a subject like this is so subjective. Even though there is a moral standard surrounding it, people choose to interpret that how they wish.

It's sad really. As someone who personally watched their own father cheat in his marriage, I know what it can do. It's also unfortunate I knew why, and that reason was petty and shallow. That's only one particular case though.

In the end we all take a risk with our hearts and where we put them. Getting right down to the point, if two people are in a commitment with one another, communicate and be honest. Honesty might hurt, but it makes a world of difference in the end and can save rather than destroy.
 

InstituteMan

WF Veterans
If you're committed to someone, and you feel an urge, you need to communicate with your partner. Otherwise the issue won't ever be resolved or prevented.

I dunno, hammy. I've been married a couple of decades now. I've felt lots of urges, few of which I've communicated to InstituteWoman. I'm quite confident she has, too. I guess I don't see them as issues to be resolved or prevented.

Sorry about out your parents' situation. The worst is when the kids get drug into stuff like that.
 

am_hammy

WF Veterans
I dunno, hammy. I've been married a couple of decades now. I've felt lots of urges, few of which I've communicated to InstituteWoman. I'm quite confident she has, too. I guess I don't see them as issues to be resolved or prevented.

Well, I meant more if the actual act was going to occur. Like you said in a previous post, you're going to have urges. It's when they start to become tangible. People who are together notice when patterns change. It's never wise to talk about every single thing in that fashion. It can only bring up awkward conflict. If you're actually starting to act on them, even in the most "harmless" of forms I think it should be spoken about.

Sorry about out your parents' situation. The worst is when the kids get drug into stuff like that.

Thank you. It would have been worse if I was older and it was happening. There are instances where I remember things from childhood that make sense now, but I'm glad I found out later. I also was finally able to hear both sides. My father never had a filter.

Ultimately I've gathered what I've needed to from the situation and it's made my struggle with their divorce when I was younger much more bearable if that makes sense.
 

LeeC

WF Veterans
As just another animal life form subject to the natural order, it's to be expected there are going to be side attractions along the way, some mutual. The point to me is having a partnership with shared trust, and real consideration for each other's feelings. I've had a few opportunities along the way, but each time I've thought, no way am I gonna mess up what I've got. All the more having an early marriage under my belt where I found my trust misplaced. Not to mention that these last forty years of my second marriage seem to have met both our needs. Now beyond all that, we fight like dogs and cats, enjoying every minute of it.
 

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