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Abandoned (2 Viewers)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
He said "I was just performing
For the last twenty years,
and now I feel, the act is over".
Making junk of memories of him,
of last twenty years,
he abandoned me.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
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2020Syd2020

Senior Member
I think this is a really emotive piece, heartbreaking in how sparse and blunt it is. I would try and find another way of saying abandoning just so that abandoned at the end really has a chance to make an impact with the reader.

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I think this is a really emotive piece, heartbreaking in how sparse and blunt it is. I would try and find another way of saying abandoning just so that abandoned at the end really has a chance to make an impact with the reader.

Cheers

Syd

Ok Syd. I would rethink on it
Thanks
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I hate when people try to tell you what you are feeling and what your intentions are.
This is sad...the abandonment is real.

Hi Happy
True you are saying. It's not me who is going through it, but there is definitely someone who is going through it.

Thanks for understanding that.
 
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Annie. Marie

Senior Member
That sinking feeling of being betrayed and abandoned has to be one of the worst things a person can feel emotionally.
In L2 I would add "the" after "for"
L3 I would switch up a bit so it flows easier.. maybe.. "and he feels, my act is over now"..or... "and feels, as if the act is over now"

Thank you for letting us read your work.

-Annie
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
That sinking feeling of being betrayed and abandoned has to be one of the worst things a person can feel emotionally.
In L2 I would add "the" after "for"
L3 I would switch up a bit so it flows easier.. maybe.. "and he feels, my act is over now"..or... "and feels, as if the act is over now"

Thank you for letting us read your work.

-Annie

Thanks a lot Annie. I edited the way you told.
 
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