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A Wicked Brew (1 Viewer)

Gloubi

Member
Explanation

Hello!

My name is Mat, and I'm French. I've been trying to write some poems in English recently, and I thought I'd post one here to get some advice. I apologise in advance if some of it sounds naive or dumb (I've been trying to play with the structure of sentences a bit, and I'm afraid it might sound awful to native English speakers)!
In this poem, I tried to convey a similar "moral" as the one of the story featured in Harry Potter called "The Tale of the Three Brothers". I loved how the message was delivered, and the way it was depicted in the movie. I wanted to have a similar atmosphere, with a bit of magic and catered towards children/teenagers/young adults, although a bit more gloomy.
In any case, I hope you will not be too harsh :grin: But as I said, I'm here for advice on how to write better poetry in English!

Thank you :angel:

Poem

A Wicked Brew

From stones and bones of ancestors many,
A witch of old a potion brews.
The king, afraid of final day any,
In great triumph takes in the ooze.
Not in battle, nor to illness concedes,
A hundred years the king has lived.
From wife and son, treasured liveness recedes,
Across the realm will soon be grieved.
The king, sorrowed, once more summons the witch.
But naught she brews, only whispers:
"To all she comes. The poor she takes alike the rich."
And as she does, the king falters.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Given that I struggle to write poetry in English when it is my first language, I can only applaud you doing it in your second language?

I like the overall mood of the piece, I think you do well in evoking the feel of the “The Three Brothers,” and there is a tangible sense of threat.

This all being sad, what I will say is that I feel that the rhyme scheme utilised is a little clunky and as such does a lot to remove me as a reader from the mood of the piece.

Hoping this helps

Cheers

Syd
 
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