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A Walk in Love (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
Walking hand in hand across virgin sand.
Just the gulls to hear our love talk.
That sensuous smile takes my breath.
Your whole body trembles
when we kiss.
 
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De-Anna

Senior Member
So sensual, yet so innocent. I do hope that was what you intended? You have put something so profound into so few words, which is very difficult. Also, the way 'hand' and 'sand' is used in the first line (as it is a rhyme) eases the reader to think they know what's coming - but just like real life, you change to blank verse, which is an excellent method to tell the reader to expect the unexpected. Loved everything about this poem.
 

knottla

Senior Member
Thank you De-Anna, yes it was my intention to try and create that impression. I haven't explored this type of writing much. I tend to write on inspiration or something just clicks in my brain and I write.
Again thank you for your comments. I really appreciate it.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I adore the slight ambiguity to the way in which you first draw in the reader, by that I mean it isn’t automatically clear that it is two lovers walking hand in hand across the sand. There is a great underlying sensuality to the piece that is tangible but not overt. This being said and I hope I am not straying beyond the bounds of what is allowed in this sub forum, but I find that your second line is jarring and dilutes both the sensuality and subtlety of the rest of the piece. It just feels too on the nose.

I hope this helps in some way.

Cheers

Syd
 

knottla

Senior Member
Syd thank you for your comments and advice. I'll see if I can work something out for that second line. Cheers.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Walking hand in hand across virgin sand.
Just the gulls to hear our love talk.
Eyes fixated on each other's pupils.
As wide as the ocean responding to love.


It is very difficult to write a "love" poem...

your first line was just "ok"... not fabulous, but the internal rhyme saved you a bit ')

"Eyes fixated on each other's pupils"... not romantic or poetic at all, sorry...
" As wide as the ocean responding to love"... watch it... you are skiing down the slippery cliché slope...

I would love the see you working on some unique imagery, maybe compare your love's eyes to something totally unexpected... there is a lot of opportunity when writing about love, to be really creative and personal... yeah, it has all been said before, but here is your chance to say it better! I hope my comments help, I can see the potential, but now I want to see your creativity... Thank you for sharing ;)
 
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