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A Truth (Rated M for safety?) (1 Viewer)

lzbeth97

Senior Member
This is my first work of any kind in months tell me what you think. Based on nightmares I have had. Sorry in advance....


Carol looked at her frail body in the mirror; her paper white skin looked as if it could be torn off her bones, which were sticking out as if it had been months since her last meal; her once bright blue eyes now were a clouded light grey, and her once bouncy bright blonde hair was now browned with grease and hung limply past her shoulders. The skin around her haunted grey orbs was blackened as if she hadn't slept. She could remember the events that lead to this as if they happened only yesterday. It was as if every time she closed her eyes she was taken back to the events that brought her into a place she couldn't escape.

Three months ago on her eighteenth birthday, her cousin James had called to invite her over. At the time she loved her cousin James, and she felt no reason to distrust him. Unfortunately that would all change. She quickly showered and put on a pair of basketball shorts and her favorite Doctor Who shirt. She arrived at his place thirty minutes later; her drive had been stressful due to the traffic and the slight rain that darkened the Indiana sky. The roads to his house were curvy and through trees, and the trips in the rain always made it seem as if she were driving in a bad horror movie. His house was one story, well two if you counted the basement, and painted some sort of off white, the shudders were old and the black paint was beginning to peel off. There was one tree to the right of the house that always looked as if it could fall any day. James greeted her with a brief hug and wished her a happy birthday before letting her into the house.

The background noise of the television played softly in the distance. James was creepy looking to most; his light brown hair was straight and hung like strings to his chin, his crooked nose held up thick glasses that stood in front of dull brown eyes, and he always wore clothes that seemed to enhance the slight hunch in his posture. Carol was used to her older cousin's appearance and just thought him to be strange. Finally Carol spoke up, "Why did you invite me here?"

"I thought we should celebrate," James replied, the tone seemed to have an underlying meaning.

Carefully James guided Carol down the barely lit hallway to the living room. Having abandoned her flip flops at the front doors, she unconsciously curled her toes through the once tan carpet. The loveseat called to her from a distance; its slightly worn appearance made her feel as though she were in her own home. She sat in the loveseat admiring how it felt perfectly broken in and its unfortunate darkened brown color. The couch which sat an almost perfect ninety degrees off the edge of the loveseat seemed to have stains decorating it. The once light brown couch was covered in only God knows what. The television was playing some random infomercial and sat directly across from the couch. There strangely was no coffee table, but Carol paid no mind to that. James sat himself at the end of the couch, putting himself as close to Carol as he could get without sharing the loveseat. His hand laid on the armrest, and he leaned towards her.

"I've been thinking Carol, and we're both adults now; I know we're cousins, but we've never been close.. Ya know? Maybe we could use each other," James stated.

Shocked, Carol stared at him; coming to her senses she began to stand, but James quickly grabbed her and pulled her to his lap. He had always been stronger than her; even when they were kids, he could easily pull her down and win in a playful fight. "James! Stop! I won't do this," Carol pleaded.

Her wrists were wrapped tightly in his right hand, so he used his left to gently brush the hair away from her neck. His dry, chapped lips brushed against her throat as she tried to pull away. Aggravated James pushed her off his lap; she landed face first onto the carpet and attempted to push herself off the ground. Her wrist was grabbed, and she was pulled towards the one door she had never been through, the basement door. She was taken down the stairs, which brought her into a strange room. There was a bed and ties and other belongings that seemed to be used for torture.

Carol struggled to pull away at this point, but her efforts were hopeless; she was tossed and pinned to the bed, her wrists were carefully tied to the bedposts. She struggled against her new found bonds and kicked her legs with all of her might; he quickly disposed of the leg problem by tying them up as well. She went to scream but found the task was taken away by a ball gag. Choking against her new found gag, tears streamed down her face. He soon cut her clothes off of her, tossing them to the side. Carol struggled against the bonds but knew there was no hope.

Those were the events that led to her seemingly inevitable rape. Every night he would come down the stairs and defile her body once again. He told her parents that she decided to move in because she wanted freedom. The thing was, she could leave whenever she wanted, but she felt so disgusted in herself that she stayed. Her once flat stomach bulged slightly in contrast to her sickly appearance. James smiled as he watched her; he could feel the sick love he had for her grow with her stomach. Getting up from his chair he forced her back onto her bed. "I love you, Carol," James whispered as he once again began to defile her body and soul.
 
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apsm

Senior Member
First of all, I do like how you usevivid imagery to set up a disconcerting tone, and a chillingatmosphere. The entire first paragraph let me know that somethingterrible had happened and had me wanting to read more.


I personally think her previousencounters with her cousin could be characterised more, perhaps togive us more of an idea of why Carol would trust him in the firstplace since he seemed creepy almost immediately. I do find Carol a sympathetic character, and small details (Dr Who shirt) give me an idea of Carol's previous innocent life, I think it could have been explored more to provide emphasis on how her innocence was lost. I also know thatthis story deals with a sensitive subject, but I want to suggest notto use the word 'rape'. I think all the detail you've given us,between what the cousin did prior and the description of the bulge ofCarol's stomach, do tell the reader enough of what happened. Finally, I noticed this typo:

She struggle against her new found bonds and kicked her legs with all of her might;


Otherwise, I do think what you have is anuncomfortable, but powerful story that has me feeling empathy for the main character (Carol).
 

lzbeth97

Senior Member
Thank you for your response! It was my first story in awhile and was based off an unfortunate nightmare that I had. That being said I really appreciate the time you took to write the review and for pointing out my unfortunate typo... (Which is now fixed) I will work to revise it in the future! Until then thanks for reading and thanks for reviewing! Until we cross paths again on here. Farewell.
 

Bard_Daniel

Senior Member
Woah.

This is very dark but has the hallmarks of a haunting story. I would recommend that you delve deeper into the character creation process of Carol before you turn to the darker part of the story. You also created, by use of effect and careful wording, the reprehensible nature of James. Overall, this has the hallmarks of good work but could use a fine brush to tinker out some details. Your style is good but remember: do not use unnecessary words. Make it count.

Cheers!
 

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