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A script im working on-tell me what you think. (1 Viewer)

D

doggy_dog555

just tell me what you think, or give me advice, thanks!

UNDERDOGS

-INT. SMALL FOX HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUNGLE​
-NIGHT---NORTH KOREA---NOVEMBER 2, 2027​
The dim light surrounded the soldiers as they were ready to pounce into action, the light just barely making out their facial expressions. One of the soldiers in named Calvin Steggrato. His face is muscular and mean looking. He is 22 years old.
CALVIN:
Let’s do this, let’s not wait for the grass ta grow, huh?​
Another soldier looks at Calvin. His name is Ryan Garotti, he is small and wimpy, with the look of fear in his eyes. He is 20 years old.
RYAN:
God, please help me. I can’t do this.​
Paul Buol is their field commander. He is 35 and mean.
PAUL:
Shut up ya wimp! Why’d ya join the army if ya just goona quit? Huh?​
RYAN:
I don’t wanna die alright? I was not meant to this! I’m so stupid!​
CALVIN:
Just like Paul said, why’d ya join tha army?​
RYAN:
Shut up Calvin! I’m goona do it!​
The soldiers look into the distance and see their target; a small building filled with North Korean soldiers. The building resembles a run down, apartment, The windows are mostly broken and the doors are held together just barley. They begin to scramble out of the giant fox hole, and start to crawl over silently.
PAUL:
Remember tha plan boys.(whisper) no cryin Ryan.​
RYAN:
Very funny.​
The troops move forward a little more and see a patrol guard about 20 yards away.
CALVIN:
Guard, right ova there.​
PAUL:
Shoot. Take him out silently Calvin.​
Calvin takes out his knife and crawls about ten yards. He grabs his canteen and drinks half of the water, half of the water spilling all over his face. He continues forward 5 yards. Calvin slowly gets to his feet, still holding his knife right above his chest. He takes 3 steps forward and is now 2 feet behind the guard. Calvin steps forward once more. He slowly raises the knife a little more.(the guard is taller than him by at least a good 5 inches) Calvin swings his knife at the back of the guard’s neck.
GUARD:
Ahhgrrlll…​
The guard fell to the ground quickly. Blood all around him.
CALVIN:
That’s what you deserve you terrorist.​
PAUL:
Nice work, move forward.​
The soldiers begin moving forward. Their boots are smashing against the thick mud. The soldiers could see a room in the building with a light on and shadow walking back and fourth.
CALVIN:
Well look at that right there…Can’t wait to kill that pathetic bastard.​
PAUL:
Who knows? It might not even be him…​
RYAN:
I don’t think it’s him, let’s go home. (joking)​
PAUL:
Nice try you lil punk.​
The soldiers press forward more. All of them reach for their ak-47’s, and pull them out. Sweat is dropping down their faces, while they lay silently on the ground waiting for their signal.
PAUL:
Remember boy’s, fight with your hearts, and souls, and you’ll make it through.​
CALVIN:
Right.​
The soldiers see a river, they begin to enter it to pass. The water is swishing around them loudly. The soldiers take small steps to try to cover up the noise. They pass the river and see a barbed wire fence. The fence is bloody with fragments of ripped clothing throughout the spikes from its previous victims.
CALVIN:
So, uh, who’s goin first?​
PAUL:
Get a move on! We don’t have much time!​
RYAN:
I’ll go first!​
Calvin pats Ryan on the back friendly, then Ryan starts to climb the fence.
PAUL:
Come on boys, we’ve done it in training a million times.​
Calvin and the rest of the soldiers climb over, as Calvin climbs over he gets stabbed in the rib area with the barbed wire.
CALVIN:
Shit! Dang, that hurts…​
PAUL:
You okay?​
CALVIN:
Fine, help me up…​
Paul quickly helps Calvin up. Calvin rips part of his shirt off and wraps it around his waste to stop the bleeding.
PAUL:
Okay, move forward quietly.​
The soldiers walk slowly toward a small, blown up car, and lay down for cover.
PAUL:
How far away are we Ryan?​
 
D

Dawne

Saving Private Ryan is what keeps churning in my head. You might want to consider changing his name. The format, writing and dialogue is good, however I kept waiting for something earth shattering to happen and for some reason I was waiting for it to happen to Ryan. Like waiting for the worst to happen and then the mean soldiers come to his rescue. Is he your focal point? or am I just reading it this way. I think its good, but I think you need some excitement to happen to or around the soldiers right from the beginning.
 
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