Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

A scene from a story that I might write. (1 Viewer)

Jordyn

Member
Hello! I'm actually trying to get organized and write a story. This is just a rough draft of a scene from a book series I might write someday. The story itself is going to be a mix of action/heist/romance/comedy with a little bit of suspense...yeah I know, too much hahaha. It's going to be about an international criminal named "Alice Greene" with her partner, a Russian Gunwoman named "Orlenda Morozov" and I'm thinking of putting a third partner, but not sure yet. Alice is being pursued by Inspector William Johnson of ICPO. Their relationship can be described as a typical "Love/Hate" relationship. The books are mainly about her heists and the conflicts she and Orlenda have to face before and after. I already have an ending planned and so forth, I just need to plan the middle portion.

Here's a bit of background of this scene. Alice Greene is an international thief as I wrote before, a quick, fun, intelligent and happy woman. She has just been captured by her enemy/love interest Inspector William Johnson of ICPO, a seious-minded man, with a good heart. At this point, she only gets caught by him, just to piss him off and plans to escape later. That's why she doesn't seem to worried about being captured. I'm still unsure as to what the characters should look like, so there is a lack of description, as such I'm apologizing ahead of time. Oh! Also, she calls hims Johnny instead of Johnson, just to piss him off...again. So here it is and after you read it, tell me what you think and what I should improve on. Enjoy! (PS. Sorry if I sound like a spazz hahaha)
_______________________________________________________________________________

“Great, just my luck,” thought Alice Green as she was transported into the police car, with metal handcuffs around both of her small wrists, “Of all the cops to get me, it had to be Johnny.”

One cop went into the driver’s seat as Inspector Johnson went into the passenger seat. He had a triumphant look on his face. It beamed as if he had finally understood his inner-self, as if everything was at peace at last. Not to her surprise. After all, he did say he would chase her through hell and back just to arrest her. Arresting her was his life’s goal. Typical, typical Johnny. Obsessive and stubborn as ever. Hell, he won’t even admit that he’s attracted to her, but she could see it. Then again, she didn’t really tease him about it that much, even when she defeated him at every attempt to capture her. Except for now of course.

As the car started to drive into the late night, Alice began to get bored. She needed something to do to pass the time. They were a few hours away from a police station anyway. She tried to look out the window so she could get lost in her thoughts, looking at the cloudless night sky, the moon and stars showing their beauty and grace despite her predicament. How the moon seemed to give an after-glow to the trees, even if the trees and the rest of backround, looked like a blur as the car drove past the scenery. She sighed merely out of boredom, not that she ignored or dismissed the scenery that was behind the car window. So instead, she began to hum a little to herself, tapping her knee with her index finger, but then she looked at Johnson. She had to do something to get under his skin. She couldn’t help it. She liked him in a sense and needed to screw with his head, even if just a little.

“Hey can you turn the radio on Johnny?” she asked only for the Inspector to turn around slightly and give her an unpleasant look. She smiled as she nervously giggled, trying to get her inner charm to work with all of her might; “It’s just that I would like to listen to a Jazz station, if you can find one that is.” Johnson just looked at her for a few seconds only to grumble a “Yeah”. He turned back to the front so he could search the radio channels. He found one right away, and it was in the middle of tune that she didn't know but decided to relax a little bit, leaning on the backseat. Oh she had a brilliant idea.

As the song ended, the hostess of the radio station announced that “St. Louis Blues” was next in the line up of songs. Alice smirked mischievously and giggled softly. Oh, she knew the song and she knew it well. Extremely well. She began to hum it as quietly as she could for the moment until the rightful time, tapping her hand to the beat. Johnson noticed this but he paid no real attention to it, knowing that one of Alice’s past times was singing and music, especially jazz. He even could admit internally that she’s a good singer. She then sang part of the original lyrics, waiting for the chorus so she could give Inspector Johnson a surprise.

“Oh Inspector Johnson
Let’s stop this game,
Don’t you know that I,
Feel this love’s flame

You tear me apart,
With this senseless love,
And yet you are the man,
I’ve been dreaming of!”

Johnson just stared at her in complete utter disbelief at the words that came out of her mouth so fluently as if she sang this many times before. Though the song continued, Alice paused just for a moment. She placed a small blush on her face and tried to look as seductive as she could, putting on a soft smile. She saw his face blush, and it actually looked very sweet. It’s not like Johnson was unattractive. She changed her face to reveal a smirk.

His face changed from a surprised blush into a face that was a strange combination of disbelief, and complete and utter astonishment. Maybe now the little blush was from embarrassment, but all the same to her. She began to giggle only to erupt in laughter, moving around in the back seat from the laughter. Her laughter caused the surprised Johnson to become frustrated at her and turned away from her.

“You should’ve seen your face Johnny! Oh my god!” she snickered as she tried to calm herself down, erupting in laughter again at what she caused, “Did you really think I was serious about that? Jeez Johnny, you crack me up!” She continued to laugh as Johnson furrowed his eyebrows in frustration and looked out the window, trying to bring up his wall again. The other cop didn’t want to be in any way, a part of this.
 

ThreadWhisperer

Senior Member
Hi, first of all thanks for sharing your writing, I am not a big fan of this kind of written story but enjoy them in movies etc. so thought I would give it a read.

There seems to be a running issue with disconnectedness. I am not quite sure how else to say it. In several of the paragraphs it just feels like every sentence is trying to be an individual paragraph and doesn't tie in smoothly with the rest. Yet at the same time, or perhaps as a cause of it, there is also some redundancy occurring that doesn't need to. Let me take one section out and place each sentence on its own line to see if that helps make my point...

Alice began to get bored.

She needed something to do to pass the time.

They were a few hours away from a police station anyway.

She tried to look out the window so she could get lost in her thoughts, looking at the cloudless night sky, the moon and stars showing their beauty and grace despite her predicament.

How the moon seemed to give an after-glow to the trees, even if the trees and the rest of backround, looked like a blur as the car drove past the scenery.

She sighed merely out of boredom, not that she ignored or dismissed the scenery that was behind the car window.


There just doesn't seem to be a flow from one statement to the next, which makes it difficult to become immersed in the story itself. If you read the above perhaps it will help clarify what I mean. Some of the descriptions also break immersion for me, one example is "She tried to look out the window". When you see the rest of the sentence it does help to give it a better meaning but it comes to late. I would word that whole sentence something like... "Wanting to be lost in her own thoughts, she looked out the window into the cloudless night sky." Again just an example.

The premise of the story sounds interesting and the initial rough draft of the characters eludes to some interesting possibilities of development. So I think you have a solid base from which to build a fascinating tale. I am by no means a professional writer and am offering only personal thoughts on the work so please don't take what I am saying as being any kind of definitive advice, I just offer it as an alternative to consider when reviewing the work yourself.

Best wishes on one day getting your story(s) out there!
TW
 
Top