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A Sample (3 Viewers)

Nonnnie43

Member
***I need to let y'all know that the content I'm posting is still a work in progress. I just want to see if my writing is easy to follow as you read it. I'm planning on taking a few course on creative writing while I'm attending Southern New Hampshire University, which will help me with the creative writing part I feel my stories lack. Please let me know what y'all think.

Ecko

She had been awaiting the arrival of her niece for quite some time, and was growing very impatient with time. All she wanted was to be there for the delivery, and be allowed to spoil the baby to its core. Little did she know that Luna had already given birth to a beautiful baby girl. She had even less knowledge of some role changing which would make her the baby's surrogate mother.

At the time, it was the year 1833 AD, and Jasmine had never thought too much about getting married and having children. She was so busy with her studies and work that those ideas were, in her mind, things that should be kept hidden under lock and key. She had always felt like she only had one purpose in life, and that was for her to help her mother with elderly family members, and give her encouragement to the members of her family who weren't scared of the idea of taking on those kinds of expansions to their lives. It just wasn't something she wanted in her life.

Before she sat down to read the newspaper, Jasmine made sure that there were no more chores to tend to. When she had checked everything out, she got into her favorite chair, and began to indulge herself in a great series in the "Aferti Gazette" called "Oz and Mason, the Killer Detectives From Avalor", it was written by the author R. T. Steiner.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. She pulled the paper away from her face and looked at The clock on the opposite wall, and it read the time was one o'clock. She rolled her eyes, and responded to her visitor, "Keep your shoes on. I'm coming".
When she opened the door and saw Queen Luna, she was astonished, but upon analyzing her another time, Jasmine became angry. She looked at Luna and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you have a baby out there in that weather? Woman, do I need to beat you?"

Luna stepped inside the house, and began to explain, "I don't have any other choice. If I go back home with that baby, I'm going to be in hot water. Before Lance and I got married, we discussed the topic of having children, and he made it very clear that he was not ready for them. I never told you this, but since we found out that I was pregnant, Lance has been on my case about finding a place for the little one to go".

"Wait! What do you mean? He didn't ever make me feel like he doesn't want children", Jasmine said.

"He does want children, but not right now. We're still going through the process of getting adjusted to being queen and king, we have to show the beings of Eraton what kind of rulers we'll be, and there's so many other things we have to get used to. And, Lance just isn't ready", Luna explained.

"Did you happen to ask him if he was going to know when he'll be ready? I mean, I know you, Luna. I know you want children. I know you will be a great mother. What is his problem with you having a baby now in comparison to a few years from now? What are you going to tell her when she gets old enough to know the truth, Luna? Do you think I would ever lie to her about you? I'm gonna tell you right now, I will not lie to my daughter about you and where she really comes from. She will know the truth about being an heir to the throne, and she will meet you and her bastard father and the other kids you two decide to have. She will not only know you all, but she will also be given the opportunity to choose whether or not she wants to be queen when your time comes to pass on your title.

"If your husband doesn't like it, too bad. I wasn't expecting to have to raise Ecko, but I'm going to be damn certain, y'all don't try to forget about her or think about not registering her with your information. I'll come by and get you so we can do that, soon. Be expecting me. Make sure you tell Lance everything I've said before I get there. I really don't want to have to go through all this with him, too. You're both adults, you made Ecko, and you will be responsible for her financially. So, be ready for a meeting with the Attorney General so we can set up your child support payments. Or, we can do this as best friends. I'll raise the kid, you pay for everything. I think that sounds fair", the necromancer said.

Luna stopped by the door, and turned to address her best friend, "Jasmine, you ought to know this can't be done by way of the Attorney General. I'll make sure you have the money you need for whatever she needs and wants".

"Lance will know everything. When you give me money for her, I'm telling him, myself. Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust you", Jasmine said, She felt the only way to keep the agreement from turning legal was for everyone to be honest with each other, and she told Luna, "It's late. I've got to be up in a couple of hours, so I'm going to have to say goodnight".

She stood to close the door behind Luna, but her servant Dixi walked over and shut it herself. Jasmine hadn't heard the elf come into the sitting room, and was startled by her movements. She said, "Dixi, I appreciate your help, but sweetheart say something when you come into the room or I'm gonna buy you a collar with a bell on it so I can hear you when you're near. You scared the life out of me, child".

"I apologise, Miss Jasmine. I heard you talking to your friend, and I thought I'd give you a hand if you need anything", Dixi said.

"Have you ever held a baby before?"Jasmine asked.

"Yes, I have. I've got six brothers and nine sisters", Dixi replied. She walked over to Jasmine and took Ecko into her arms. She said, "Oh my goodness, she's so beautiful. Do we get to keep her. I mean, do you get to keep her".

Jasmine smiled at the dark elf and said, "We can keep her if you will help me with her".

Dixi had turned and started walking into the kitchen. She went to the cupboard and took a bottle with a nipple from the shelf. As she placed the pieces of the bottle together she said, "I have always been told that when they start to root into your arm or your side, it's because they're hungry".
 

AcademicCockroach

Senior Member
Hi, this officially my first, sort of critique thingy so I’m not sure if I’ll be of much help but here’s a few observations and questions I have:

First of all: is the blod+italic formating intentional or is it simply how you write your scripts? Maybe I just never saw text like this but since I only use this combination for heavily emphasised words, it jumps at me a bit, making it hard to read without ‘shouting’ in my head. This is purely a curiosity thing though, after a few sentences I adjusted just fine.

Secondly, I immediately liked how well you characterised your individuals with dialouge alone, Jasmine comes across as a ’no-nonsense and bit hotheaded but very morally stable’ kind of girl while Luna comes across as timid and uncertain. I’m not sure if you intended it that way (if not, then how do you imagine them?) but I enjoyed reading the dialogue, especially the phrase ‘Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust youIt made her come into life inside my head.

I also enjoyed your short and to the point description to set the scene and give some background information on Jasmine, it was just the right length, nothing too fancy or long winded but doing it’s job spectacularly. I think this is how a description intended to relay information should look like. (Again, only a personal preference.)

As I understand you’re looking for a few technical observations about the readability of your script so I listed a few that stood out, only in a grammatical/technical sense:

‘She had even less knowledge of some role changing which would make her the baby's surrogate mother’ this one confused me a bit because of the use of ‘role changing’ which I assume is meant like ‘the changing of roles’ but on first glance, I read it as ‘a role that is changing’. I’d replace it with a single word, something like ‘trickery’ maybe? (I’m sure you can find a better one, this is just off the top of my head.)

is the capitalised ‘The’ before the ‘clock’ intentional? Also, I think it should be pointed out if it was one in the afternoon or one in the morning since it could give the scene a completely different vibe depending on which.

In the sentence When she opened the door and saw Queen Luna, she was astonished, but upon analyzing her another time, Jasmine became angry. She looked at Luna and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you have a baby out there in that weather? Woman, do I need to beat you?"’ I think you can easily leave out ‘Jasmine became angry’ since her tone and use of a strong exemplative is more than enough to convey it.
I think it flows better like this:
‘When she opened the door and saw Queen Luna, she was astonished, but upon analyzing her another time, she looked at Luna and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you have a baby out there in that weather? Woman, do I need to beat you?"’
Or maybe you can replace ‘said’ with something stronger, like the good ol’ ‘hissed’ (I abuse this verb with how often I use it though)
(I do enjoy that ‘woman do I need to beat you’ line immersely, your dialouge is honestly so on point)

When Jasmine mentions ‘we can do this as best friends’ and then Luna ‘turned to address her best friend’ I feel like that this repeated information is unecessary. I’d either have her say ‘we can do this as friends’ and then when I write Luna turning towards her ‘best friend’ so I can emphasise that they aren’t just simple friends or that there’s a miscomunication in their relationship. But if I just simply want to state it, I think once is enough and I’d cut the ‘turning’ altogether.

Lastly, two tiny observations:
instead of ‘was startled by her movementsI’d write ‘got startled by her movements’, it’s a bit ‘jumpier’ don’t you think?
and I’d give an emdash in ‘Do we get to keep her— I mean, do you get to keep her’ just because Dixi kind of interrupts/corrects herself

TLDR: I think your writing flows really well, none of the things I mentioned above really pulled me out of the reading experience (maybe only the first)
when I want to make mine a bit ‘crisper’ I usually go over the snippet and take out all the ‘xx said-xx replied-xx asked’ and then see if it’s still clear who’s speaking and only put the ‘she said-he said’ back in where I find myself confused. This is just a lazy trick and some personal preference though.

Please tell me how my critique faired if you want to :D I’d love to hear
 

Nonnnie43

Member
Thanks for your opinion on this. A lot of the reason I write in bold italics is because I'm 43 and need glasses. So, it's for me in order to be able to see better. I've also had another reviewer on a different site tell me to use them both on everything I write, and it's become more of a habit. I really enjoyed your outlook on this post. I was reading your review and couldn't help but laugh at the things I had written. I mean,if we cannot laugh at ourselves, right? I wouldn't mind having your opinion on other projects later.

I appreciate you.

-Pennywyze
 

Lawless

Senior Member
A lot of the reason I write in bold italics is because I'm 43 and need glasses.
Did you know you can make the text in your browser larger by holding down CTRL and pressing + on the keypad?

The font you're using doesn't bother me, though.
 

AcademicCockroach

Senior Member
Thanks for your opinion on this. A lot of the reason I write in bold italics is because I'm 43 and need glasses. So, it's for me in order to be able to see better. I've also had another reviewer on a different site tell me to use them both on everything I write, and it's become more of a habit. I really enjoyed your outlook on this post. I was reading your review and couldn't help but laugh at the things I had written. I mean,if we cannot laugh at ourselves, right? I wouldn't mind having your opinion on other projects later.

I appreciate you.

-Pennywyze
I’m glad you enjoyed ‘review’ and with the glasses thing in mind, I understand perfectly why you chose to format it like this. If you don’t mind and I see another of your posta I’ll be happy to give it a read, I quite liked this one!
 
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