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A robot love story: A totally cheesy romantic story for V-Day. (1069 words. Language) (1 Viewer)

ash

Senior Member
Hey guys, here's an older story I wrote, as a warm up, that some might enjoy. Happy Valentine's Day!


It was mid-afternoon. Normally this isn't worth mentioning, uninteresting really, especially because in a moment you'll be meeting a ninja robot with goddamn laser eyes. However, knowing that it's mid-afternoon in this case will help you understand why I'm so miserable. To help you understand our setting. The desert. The hot, hot, brain melting, feet burning desert. It's hot, did I mention this? I did. Anyway, by hot I mean it's like the Sun is one of Satan's underlings sent to see how slowly and painfully he can turn me into a puddle of meat before the earth rotates it's ass end to him, where he will no doubt try to roast some other poor sucker alive.


[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Now the reason I'm soaked in sweat, but my friend standing next to me is as cool as an Alaskan cucumber, is because she's a robot. Her name is Maggie and I built her. My name? It isn't important. All you need to know is I built Maggie. No, it wasn't for sex, though I contemplated it on more than one occasion, she's actually for protection. And even though I built her, I've been relegated to the boring task of keeping her in repair. In hindsight I should have built a maintenance robot, but at the time there was no need because I had an assistant. Due to an unfortunately face melting accident though, he is no longer with us. For legal purposes I have to say that this was in no way a direct result of his task of calibrating Maggie's laser eyes. His poor face. It was like Raiders of the Lost Arc. Totally brutal. Poor bastard.

I digress. You may be wondering, if it's so hot, why not haul ass to a shelter of some sort? Well, normally I would, but right now I'm being held up. That's right, it's 150 degrees in the middle of the desert, and these three guys feel like now is a good time to take my wallet. I say three guys, but one is a gal. Semantics. Also, I don't have a wallet.
[/FONT]

The guy behind me with the gun in my back isn't into small talk. Like a broken a record he keeps repeating himself. "Come on fucknut, hand over the wallet."

"I don't understand why money would matter to you now." I reminded him. "Is this more of 'need-to-be-a-bully-because-I-have-mother-issues', thing?"

Judging by how hard he just pistol whipped me, I don't think he finds me amusing. Still, I don't know what they think they'll be buying with any money. Oh didn't I mention? The world went tits up about nine months back. That's right folks, we are now living in a genuine, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, post-apocalyptic world. It's no coincidence that the world went to shit about the same time my assistant got his face melted off. I sort of accidentally caused the end of the world while building my sex robot. Now, I know I said earlier that the robot wasn't for sex, but what I meant was, the robot wasn't for sex NOW. The original intended plan was totally for raw, unemotional, creepy-in-so-many-ways, sex. In a very long and boring story, I accidentally blotted out the Sun, most of the world died and I kinda feel like a dick, so I really don't like talking about it, OK?. Look, sex robots don't run on double A batteries. In hind sight, putting your penis that close to a nuclear power source is a serious design flaw. Live and learn, I guess. And yes, the Sun WAS blotted out, but not anymore, so don't try to say I'm "lying" or "making shit up". There are no plot holes here It's science. Accept it.

Anyway, after I caused the collapse of humanity, I decided that Maggie would be best suited as some sort protector, since pretty much anyone left alive that found out what I did, didn't like me much. I'll let her demonstrate her ninja like abilities on these would-be robbers.

Oh shit--

Well, this is embarrassing. I sort of just talked through her beating the shit out of these guys. Two guys and one Gal. Goons. I'll just call them goons. That's ambiguous. It's sad that I still feel like I have to be P.C. at the end of the world. Fuck it, I'll explain what just happened to these GOONS.

While I was on the ground crying, and trying to apply pressure to my fresh head wound, goon number one attempted to rape Maggie. I guess sex is pretty rare these days and I assume he didn't realize she was a robot. Never try and rape a robot. That's all I'm saying. He won't be peeing from that area anymore. Remember my assistants face? Yeah it didn't explode like this dude's junk did. Ugh. It was like penis confetti. With goon number one on the ground praying that someone shoot his head off, goon number two pulled a gun on Maggie. Remember that scene in Star Wars where Obiwan cut off that dudes arm at the Mos Eisley Cantina? Yeah, she totally just recreated that. She whipped out a samurai sword and in like a tenth of a second relieved this dude of his nail biting habit.

I swear these things happened. I'm not just stealing ideas from movies...

Anyway, goon number two tried to run away and Maggie threw the damn sword like a javeline. It shot through the back of his neck and came out of his mouth. Then she said, "you need a little more iron in your diet". I totally thought she said that because she was making a cheesy 80's movie pun in relation to the metal in the sword, but then she said, "you also have ringworm and a low grade fever". She was totally just analyzing the dudes vitals. Weird.

As for goon number three (the chick bad guy), well, Maggie is all about equal opportunity. A Politically Correct ninja robot. You can't make this shit up. Maggie and the goon number three had a cat fight. It was hot, but lasted only mere seconds. You see, humans nails, no matter how nicely manicured, doesn't really do much in a scratch fight against a robot. Also Maggie's fingernails are actually mini, retractable samurai swords. Bitches face got scratched clean off!

Then we totally had sex.

Roll credits with awesome metal music.
 

lowprofile300

Senior Member
@Ash,
I actually read all of it, and I am just curious as to why so many twists and turns? What were you going for? I suggest you keep the beginning, build the middle and enhance the ending, so not to give the impression of a superficial story. I enjoyed reading it but, it came across as not having that solid story telling formula. I look forward to your final edit.
 

rubisco

Senior Member
The voice of the narrator certainly isn't the stereotypical voice of someone who builds robots, which on one hand makes it unique, but on the other hand makes me have to suspend my disbelief. The narrator also doesn't seem to want to tell the story, especially the huge, probably super interesting story of him blotting out the sun and almost destroying everyone. Have him tell that story instead:) Or if he doesn't want to, have someone else tell it (the robot?)
 

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