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A reluctant misanthrope. (1 Viewer)

Googie

Member
I walk slower in the rain.

I’m more active after dark.

I’ll wait for the empty train.

I’d choose the bit of beach with the shark.



You won’t find me in the pub,

With friends? ‘fraid not, we’ve not met, not yet?

I stand outside without a shot,

Is this really my lot?



I take the stairs so no one can stare.

I put my head in a book so no one can look.

I’m outside the whole, a part apart,

A spare cast to side streets, beyond the pale.

I try to go in but I fail, I always fail.



I won’t be at the family gathering.

Now even they don’t ring.

I have no one to hug, no one to kiss,

I have no offspring, no one to miss.

With this life unlived how can I reminisce?



Head down heart rate up,

My bottom lip, the taste of salt,

My gut does another somersault.

I try but I come up short, I always come up short.



A storm of misunderstanding surrounds me,

A 'normal' boundary,

Arms in, shoulders forward,

Get on with it, keep going, try again.

The definition of insane.



This brain, such a bane, the cause of so much pain,

I strain in vain, I try and I feign,

But it’s plain. I’m not for the main.

And I shouldn’t complain because this is my lot.



Out in the cold I cannot behold,

Why can’t I be one of the bold?

I shed another tear for a life without fear.

I want to go away.

But I am strong and I should be able to stay.

But to no avail because I always fail.



A bit part in my own film or play,

I fade to black, I run away.

I speed and I dart,

I watch my feet meet the beat of my heart,

And I ask how much longer like this,

Falling in this abyss,

Surely something must be amiss.



When can I start? Do I get to start?

I just want to take part.

But I can’t complain because this is my lot,

And I can walk slower in the rain.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
The piece is functional, but rhyme over style seems to be the prevailing mode, the tone established by S1, L4...Read that stanza aloud, consider what it sounds like. Does it sound fluid to the ear, or akin to Dr. Suess?

Opening line was strong, then the rhyme scheme made it awkward. Poetry does not need to rhyme. It is usually better if it doesn't because the tool of rhyme is so often misused or understood. When in doubt, leave it out.

e.g.

Given a choice

to walk more slowly
savouring a heavy rain

to bask on a seashore
the sole company
a partolling shark

There are many workable images, they're just mired in an inflexible, inconsistent structure.
 
Last edited:

Googie

Member
The piece is functional, but rhyme over style seems to be the prevailing mode, the tone established by S1, L4...Read that stanza aloud, consider what it sounds like.

Opening line was strong, then the rhyme scheme made it awkward. Poetry do not need to rhyme. It is usually better if it doesn't because the tool of rhyme is so often misused or understood. When in doubt, leave it out.
That's great, thank you. Yours is the first critique I've ever had, I think functional is a good place to start. Thanks again, I appreciate your help.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
The above information about rhyme reads true to me. I'm not good with cirtiques but I recognize the feelings in your poem. I really like the line, "I watch my feet meet the beat of my heart."
 

Googie

Member
The above information about rhyme reads true to me. I'm not good with cirtiques but I recognize the feelings in your poem. I really like the line, "I watch my feet meet the beat of my heart."
Thank you for your comment and taking the time to write it. I see what's been said about rhyming, I'm definitely taking it on board. I was thinking maybe the rhyming lightens the mood a bit. I do like a rhyme too.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Thank you for your comment and taking the time to write it. I see what's been said about rhyming, I'm definitely taking it on board. I was thinking maybe the rhyming lightens the mood a bit. I do like a rhyme too.
I like rhyming too. I think some of the lines seem forced and others flow better.

For example:

I strain in vain, I try and I feign,

But it’s plain. I’m not for the main.

I understand what you're trying to say but "I'm not for the main," it doesn't read well.

I did like your poem though...
 
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