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A Reach Beyond (1 Viewer)

Delphina

Member
my essence punches forth, demanding in a sense

trapped here evermore, degrading, fouling, and bereft

hear me, loved ones, hear my pleading

save your hearts as they live, bleeding

your eyes tell lies they shed conceit

the truth is neither tight nor neat

the end is swirling, choking, sightless

pray that the seed I plant here suggest

the need to live while the living can

the dead are gone but dying yet

life is the swing of the full moon

but you will all be dying soon

rejoice in life, it is the chance

to break the sick and sad romance

of cycles trending ever sideways

hear you this, but mind that always

Fate holds out its’ leading hand

and leads the ailing where it can

and sets them in a dying hole

to collect and capture every soul

perhaps this is truth, but maybe farce

tread easy on your paper heart
 

Mr.Mingo

Senior Member
Good morning! This is my first review here, so I hope to make a good impression.

First thing I notice is the formatting. Is the space between each line intended, or is that a transfer issue here? I don't believe the very spaced out lines help this poem and that it would be better if it was mad into at least a single stanza poem. Possible breaking later.

I also noticed after a while of being confused that you seem to be working in an alternating lot of trochaic and iambic meter, but it does have a number of points that deviate and sound a bit odd. The shifts between the two aren't standardized by number of lines or by stanza changes, so they create a sort of strange pause for me as I'm reading in that the pacing changes and feels a bit off kilter. Could probably be helped by introducing individual stanzas to indicate major change and give the reader a preparation second for diversion that isn't blended with consistent other spaces.

I had some other metering issues below:

my essence punches forth, demanding in a sense

trapped here evermore, degrading, fouling, and bereft

The first line is iambic, so the divergence to trochaic for the next bunch of lines is very strange. The reader is led to believe there's a certain flow from the first line, but then it changes and just stays the other way for a while. Not certain this a good metering choice if metering is you intention, which it looks like it is. It's like a pan-flute suddenly being drowned by a sousaphone. Okay, maybe not that much, but it made me stutter, and stuttering in poetry is not a good thing for the reader.

pray that the seed I plant here suggest

There's a lot of problems with this line for me, starting with metering. I just can't quite tell of it's meant to be trochaic or iambic. It's in the middle of a bunch of iambic, but it doesn't quite fit the bill with stresses. You also have a plurality issue with seed and suggest. Line feels like it is transitional to the next in thematic purpose, but gets obfuscated by the grammar problem and the meter weakness.

Be on the look out for metering issues throughout and try to standardize just a bit more to make it feel more concentrated. Otherwise it kind of gets stream-of-consciousness-like and loses touch with the metering you appear to be going for.

My other issue was in punctuation. No, I'm not going to scold you for lack of punctuation, that's amateur hour and many modern poems omit punctuation. You do, however, use some punctuation for pauses and grammar, but then leave out other places.

An example of a missing comma here:

your eyes tell lies they shed conceit

I see two phrases here that should be split by a comma. Maybe this was just an accident, now that I look a little closer, but not having punctuation on the end lines at the end of clear phrases is a bit odd too. I understand you probably like the clean look of no end line punctuation, but if you are using it in-between, remember that the reading pause is greater on a full or half stop than it is by a line gap. So your pauses feel disjointed because of this.

Otherwise, quite the interesting poem. I had fun reading it and I got a clear sense of your voice and style. Thanks for sharing.
 
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