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A quickly done insanity Script, critique wanted (1 Viewer)

  • Thread starter RoseStemThorns_AraNorren
  • Start date
R

RoseStemThorns_AraNorren

Scene 1:

*2 is a invisible voice

(Well dressed woman enters a flowery set. )
(She walks to a bridge)

1: No one's been here... I've had time to think...
2: Don't think like that.
1: They left me...
2: They'll come. Don't worry.
1: What id they don't?
2: They will.
1: How do you know?
2: Because they always come back.
1: It's been so long.
2: They're fine.
1: No, there not!
(beat)
2: Well, they could be hurt...
1: See? You even admit it! There not coming back! I know it!
2: They might not come back, but they probably will.
(beat)
(The girl stares at the water)

To be continued...
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
what kind of script is this meant to be?... stage [one-act or ?] or film [short or feature?]?... if stage, where's the invisible voice coming from?... it's in need of proper formatting, in any case...

btw, a 'voice' can't be 'invisible'... the speaker can be 'unseen' but then you'd have to produce the voice in some way... if onstage, by hidden speaker and an offstage character delivering the lines... if a screenplay, by V.O. [voice over]...

as for a critique of the content, this is too small a piece to tell if it will be any good or not... but having done it quickly, you didn't take time to check for errors and have some typos to fix...

the scene isn't set properly, either, since you say 'flowery set' [whatever that's supposed to mean] but then mention there's a bridge you haven't placed in the scene yet...

hope this helps some... if you need help learning how to format for stage or screen, feel free to contact me any time...

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]
 
R

RoseStemThorns_AraNorren

Ok as not to make you look insane, I am going to post the revised play here:

Act 1, Scene 1:

*2 is a unseen speaker

(Well dressed woman enters a set consisting of a pond, a small bridge, and a few flowering trees )
(She walks to a bridge, slowly, in deep thought)

1: No one's been here... I've had time to think...
2: Don't think like that.
1: They left me...
2: They'll come. Don't worry.
1: What id they don't?
2: They will.
1: How do you know?
2: Because they always come back.
1: It's been so long.
2: They're fine.
1: No, there not!
(beat)
2: Well, they could be hurt...
1: See? You even admit it! There not coming back! I know it!
2: They might not come back, but they probably will.
(beat)
(The girl stares at the water)

Act 1, Scene 2:

(The well dressed woman enters the brown room, filled with papers, two chairs on the stage left wall and a small coffee table, a knife is on the coffee table.)

2: What are you going to do with that?
1: None of your business!
2: I'm here too, it is my business.
1: (yelling) No it's not!
2: Calm down.
1: Don't tell me what to do!
(The girl, 1, picks up the knife.)
2: Don't even think about it.
1: Finally...
(She caresses herself with the knife)
2: No!
(She raises the knife)
2: Don't, you can't come back!
(Raises the knife to its highest, then plunges...)
(Girl falls, lights dim)
(Curtain)

To be continued...

Yes, this is the ending to a play, I know. Critique?
 
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