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A Night To Remember (warning of violence and possible trigger) (1 Viewer)

Abdul-fattah

Senior Member
It defenitly paints a picture, almost to the sense where you can't help considering whether the writer just has a vivid imagination or been trough a similar ordeal...
 

Jon M

WF Veterans
As a First Person narrative, this doesn't ring true. There is too much description here, stuff I doubt the narrator could possibly know. Nearly every noun is modified. For example, the food between his teeth. Remember that First Person narratives are essentially dialogue, that we are supposedly the character and only experience / know what he does, so how does the narrator know there is food between this guy's teeth? Does the narrator inspect his teeth at some point?

Obviously I am being facetious. But the point here is the description, though vivid, slows the story's pace to a crawl and it is not believable the narrator sees and reports all of these details.

Good luck with publishing. I think you'll have trouble in that regard.
 

Dominique

Senior Member
Thank you very much, for both your comments. I shall work on the first person part of description. Thank you very much, really. Amazing informative advice, thank you!!!
 

Jarhead

Member
I think that the description was extraordinary. If the first person was changed to a third person, I don't think that the story would loose much of it's affect, but I felt like I was that girl being raped, and I'm a guy. Some of the fine detail can be left out, as Jon M said, if you want to keep the first person perspective. Other than that I'm in awe of the power of this.
 

lowprofile300

Senior Member
As a First Person narrative, this doesn't ring true. There is too much description here, stuff I doubt the narrator could possibly know. Nearly every noun is modified. For example, the food between his teeth. Remember that First Person narratives are essentially dialogue, that we are supposedly the character and only experience / know what he does, so how does the narrator know there is food between this guy's teeth? Does the narrator inspect his teeth at some point?

Obviously I am being facetious. But the point here is the description, though vivid, slows the story's pace to a crawl and it is not believable the narrator sees and reports all of these details.

@Dominique,
I have to agree with Jon M, good description is a wonderful thing in story telling. But in this case, it overwhelmed your story and made it harder to read, less believable, or enjoyable for that matter. That is not to say I didn't like it. Your story is about sexual assault, I get that. So my suggestion here is, you rewrite it, keeping in mind the balance between attention to detail and actual telling of the story. If you decide to post the final edit, I will love to read it. Cheers
 
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