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A new Fantasy Story (1 Viewer)

MrDeadman

Senior Member
This is just a sample of the first part to see what people think.

The strong, overbearing scent of spilt blood chased a hint of morning dew as Sir Helmon’s most skillful warrior received a fatal blow. Fallen, the heavily wounded combatant bled profusely from his severed arm, but he kept back the cowardly screams. He seethed in agonizing torment, while refusing to reveal any sign of weakness. Never wound he give his enemy the pleasure of ridiculing his defeat. Instead, he cursed quietly under his dying breath as specks of blood decked his reptilian mouth. He searched within for a way to cease the pain, while he gripped the handle of his sword with all the power he could muster. The throbbing sensation pulled on him as he rose with the help of his own undying courage. With the blade embedded into the blood stained earth, Sir Ruthra pried himself from off the grass and gave his commander one final look. Knowing that his future held only the promise of death delivered by the kiss of his rival’s claws, the warrior’s gaze needed no affirmation. Instead, the soldier ordered with silence for the commander to allow for his reach for glory. Confirmation received regardless of acceptance, and Sir Ruthra, a champion of the Lemorian army, lunged for the bristly savage that so boldly shouted victory towards his kin. The provoking taunts infuriated the other Lemorians, but they anxiously waited for their duelist to strike back.

The Grizkin champion lavishly poured on the sweet honeyed words of an easy triumph, rubbing in the souring taste of defeat in the face of their enemy. Standing on his hind legs, the bear-beast towered over his people as they knelt with due respect. All of them acted as one unit without the slightest deviation. Thus, they failed to spot the charging assailant in time. The sword struck. Violently, the long worn blade stabbed through the Grizkin’s back, stopping midway. The source for their moment of worship plunged into a destructive frenzy, and they quickly retreated for safety. The one-armed Lemorian drove the beast to flail madly as it tried to reach behind. One at a time, the creature stretched out its arms with claws at maximum length. The grizzly beast foamed heavily at the mouth as it whirled around in a futile effort to shake off the nagging reptile, but the Lemorian managed with his fading strength to keep with the pace. Weak from blood loss, however, Sir Ruthra’s command functioned on depleting spirits, rendering his hand strained and pale before releasing. The razor sharp claws of the furious beast punctured through the reptile’s kidney in a single brutal jab.

The Grizkin swatted the reptilian insect, but his fury remained as hot as ever. His blood burned as it pumped rapidly through his veins, sending waves of violently rendered chemicals to saturate his muscles until reason became impossible. The beast charged at the clustered Lemorians as they stood on the sidelines with weapons ready. As bold as their commander sounded, the importance of safety outweighed his command. The mass darted out from the Gizkin’s path, but the creature plowed into the slowest of the bunch, shattering their shields during their last minute reaction. The unfortunate few folded like putty to the beast’s forceful charge. With an unsatisfied rage, he sought out for those whose lungs were filled with the air of vengeance. His thick skin deflected the haphazard attacks, but where one or two were deflect many more struck blood. The Lemorians poured into the fray, swarming around the beast with overpowering numbers.

Terrified, the Grizkins approached out from their cover with tearful eyes. The horrific, brutal slaughter of their chosen duelist branded pure, irreversible anger onto the flesh of their hearts, causing the warriors to race to the scene in outrage. Falling on all fours, the beastly savages pounded the ground, tearing with their extended claws through the soil as they neared. With a bold leap, the first of the pack pummeled a few Lemorian knights like how a pack of rabid dogs treat a cornered bunny. The reptiles caught in their path stood not a single chance, slain before they could squeeze the handle of their swords. Blood sprayed, staining the grey and brown fur of the Grizkin warriors like sticky jam, and the scent urged them further. They pounced with blood red eyes, and continued to shred through the Lemorian forces until the archers arrived.

Safely guarded behind armored knights with tower shields, the Lemorian marksmen stormed the killing field with jagged, barbed arrows. The streams pierced through the flesh of the attacking Grizkins, but they refused to back away for cover. The beasts bolted for the knights as arrows embedded deep into their flesh, maiming a few to a sudden, fatal stumble. Three pushed too close and too fast, but the more daring one received a deathly deliverance by an upward swing of Sir Helmon’s sword. The lifeless corpse collapsed backwards, catching the other two by surprise. The two growled, flinging saliva from their mouths.

“You will return to your land,” said Sir Helmon, as he pointed the tip of his blade at the larger, more dominate one.

The Grizkin roared, arms stretched out with hands ready for blood as its head arched back.

“I believe you lost, which is a shame. All that boasting of victory when your chosen decided it was fair to attack us. Now, I want you to return to your kind and leave. Never, ever, should you return,” said the Lemorian Commander, a grin faintly emerging from his snarl.

The Grizkin threatened with a lunging bite, but pulled back just in time to dodge the Lemorian commander’s sword.

“You should be so thankful that I’m even giving you a chance to live. Your savage kind could never co-exist with us. Your brutal, animalistic nature would spit on our heritage and customs.”
 
Hmmmm. It's well written and I think the imagery is great, but it's a shame that you start from the battle. It would've been interesting if it started just before it with some pre-battle speaches. It would allow the reader to gain a better understanding of what was going on and could build some pre-battle tension. Other than that, my only criticism is the dialogue at the end:

“I believe you have lost, which is a shame, considering all of the boasting of victory when your chosen decided it was fair to attack us. Now, I want you to return to your land and leave. Never, ever, should you return,” said the Lemorian Commander, a grin faintly emerging from his snarl.

The Grizkin threatened with a lunging bite, but pulled back just in time to dodge the Lemorian commander’s sword.

“You should be so thankful that I’m even giving you a chance to live. Your savage kind could never co-exist with us. You're brutal and animalistic by nature. You would spit on both our heritage and customs."

Just a few suggestions on what I personally would prefer. If there was a lot of extra dialogue in this then it probably wouldn't matter, but as there is so little, it seems wise to try and perfect it.
 

thewordsmith

Senior Member
Nice writing and fluid. I'm not sure what Insanity's issue is with the dialog as I had no problem with it, particularly since dialog is the one place a writer pretty much has carte blanche with form and structure. It is, after all, just exactly how the character would say it, is it not?

The one problem I do have, however, is with the placement of this passage. You say it is a sample of the first part but is this actually the opening? If so, it doesn't work. There is a sense of an ongoing action here and the reader has yet to give a darn about any of the characters. Do we root for the Lamorians? Are we backing the Grizkins? Who knows? And, at this point, who cares? See the problem? We don't know enough about the characters to really have any kind of attachment to them or to feel anything for any of them. If they kill each other off ... ho-hum ... one less Lamorian Lizard to worry about.
 
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