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A Musing of Those You Forgot (2 Viewers)

JoTheOtter

Senior Member
Frozen in time, my body and mind;
What exists to others, exists not to me.
My flesh and my soul, far away behind;
Events repeating, repeating, repeating...

Looking back towards past lives,
Past faces of forgotten memories.
I see them as vivid as any image;
I sense them still in my flesh.

As friends once I knew graduate,
And takes job in many places,
I stand transfix in a limbo of ways:
Never able to choose, stuck in between.

I see some go to the army,
Others I see go to work and toil.
All grow up and fly away,
And here I stand, forever just THIS.

Oh beautiful life, how I wish I could
Enjoy your blossoms just a little more.
I wish I could join my friends, to see You,
And feel the warmth of the rays again.

[FONT=&quot]Just one more time, just one more time...

But They took their roads,
And yet Mine stops here.[/FONT]


And as gray clouds surround me,
And all the faces and lives disappear,
I know that I must go away and sleep
Before darkness overtakes the land.

Perhaps, one day, another dawn will come.
[FONT=&quot]Maybe then I will awake anew...
Another chance, another way, another hope
[/FONT]
To see what lies at the end of one of those roads.

But for now, it seems this road I took must now end.​
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
This poem screams potential. The narrators last moments of life - haunting. This piece needs to be tightened up a bit - a few nips and tucks but overall it gets its message across. You have a distinctive voice I look forward to hearing it sing...

warmest
bob
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
[FONT="]Frozen in time, my body and mind;[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]What exists to others, exists not to me.[/FONT]

[FONT="]My flesh and my soul, far away behind;[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]Events repeating, repeating, repeating...[/FONT]


[FONT="]Looking back towards past lives,[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]Past faces of forgotten memories.[/FONT]

[FONT="]I see them as vivid as any image;[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]I sense them still in my flesh.[/FONT]


[FONT="]As friends once I knew graduate,[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]And takes job in many places,[/FONT]

[FONT="]I stand transfix in a limbo of ways:[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]Never able to choose, stuck in between.[/FONT]


[FONT="]I see some go to the army,[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]Others I see go to work and toil.[/FONT]

[FONT="]All grow up and fly away,[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]And here I stand, forever just THIS.[/FONT]


[FONT="]Oh beautiful life, how I wish I could[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]Enjoy your blossoms just a little more.[/FONT]

[FONT="]I wish I could join my friends, to see You,[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]And feel the warmth of the rays again.[/FONT]


[FONT="]Just one more time, just one more time...

But They took their roads,
And yet Mine stops here.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]And as gray clouds surround me,[/FONT]

[FONT="]And all the faces and lives disappear,[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]I know that I must go away and sleep[/FONT]

[FONT="]Before darkness overtakes the land.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000][FONT="]Perhaps, one day, another dawn will come.[/FONT]

[FONT="]Maybe then I will awake anew...
Another chance, another way, another hope
[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#000000][FONT="]To see what lies at the end of one of those roads.[/FONT]


[FONT="]But for now, it seems this road I took must now end.​[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

I agree with rcallaci, this poem has a lot of potential, but it needs some attention... avoid lines such as "Perhaps, one day, another dawn will come. Maybe then I will awake anew..." this line is such an abstract thought and does nothing to strengthen your message...

After reading this several times I found the second stanza more powerful and that is the one I would open with, and the third stanza would become the second stanza...

Take some time and rearrange the stanzas and see if that works for you ;)

Welcome to the fabulous poetry board, I enjoyed your poem and I hope you will share more...
 

Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
Hi JoTheOtter! Neat name. :)

I agree with the others, this has good potential. Some tightening up by cutting unnecessary words and reworking some of those lines that are worded in an awkward or antiquated way. Thank you for sharing your poem, I like it.
 

JoTheOtter

Senior Member
Yeah my poems go one of two directions: too little, it needs a tad more; or too much, just cut out a little bit.

Got to enjoy that fine balance between "show, don't tell". But that's why I'm here: to see if I need to add anything, or cut out anything. That's the critique I'm striving to see.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Yeah my poems go one of two directions: too little, it needs a tad more; or too much, just cut out a little bit.

Got to enjoy that fine balance between "show, don't tell". But that's why I'm here: to see if I need to add anything, or cut out anything. That's the critique I'm striving to see.

I love that you feel that way, I feel the same way ;) My poetry will always be a work in progress, and I hope to always learn and grow as a writer and to always improve...
 
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