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A moment in time. (San Francisco Dreams 3 of 9) (1 Viewer)

allenasm

Senior Member
I wrote this 20 years ago in a night while dating my first love. I actually wrote 9 shorts like this but this one is my favorite. I know my writing style can be a bit on the dramatic side but I can see the stories in my minds eye vividly so at times I put too much description in. I'm not a writer by trade and I only recently decided to start writing again for my own fun.

I'd like to get some critiques on how I can make my writing more compelling and professional. Some day I'd like to take my shorts and put them together online.

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The mahogany desk with its polished surface stands like a royal guardsman of the study palace while paisley green and blood red throw rugs keep watch over the solid wood floor. The room is dark, save for the marble bankers lamp on the desk and the deep amber glow of the display.

Looking out, Richardson bay stretches out before me into the endless twilight. The spiraling beacon of the watchtower on Alcatraz Island spins incessantly, keeping steady time for the black waters rhythmic waves. The lights of the bay bridge bathe the night in a warm yellow glow reminiscent of Christmas lights gone by.

I’m sitting in a large leather chair working at my computer when I feel arms snake around from behind to enfold me in a warm embrace. A faint twinkle of laughter pierces the air as a lithe figure glides out from behind me and faintly floats into my lap. A gentle kiss spreads warmth throughout body and soul as her head sinks into the crook of my shoulder and arms of silk wrap around me tightly. Scant minutes pass before I feel the slow cadenced breathing of slumber upon my neck.

Quietly I type away at the keyboard, ever so careful as not to wake the sleeping beauty so delicately resting against me. She knew my ambition before we married and suffers my late work nights with depth of understanding that belies her youth. My gift is my work so I may provide for her well-being. Her gift is the mellowing of my frantic soul so that we may enjoy that life.

Out in the night I watch as a sailboat slides out of a pier near Sausalito and into the quiet waters of the bay. I can see a couple on the aft of the vessel in the light of the moon and wonder what their story is. What happiness is theirs but is no others? Slowly, it drifts out of sight to some destination unknown, unaware of its watcher high on the rocky shore.

I feel the woman in my arms stir as her warm breath shifts and her soft lips brush against my neck. No doubt her valiant knight protector is performing some mighty feat of courage in her dreams. The soft contented look on her face bespeaks that the arms in which she lay belong to that selfsame knight.

It’s almost midnight now, the lights in the city across the bay are flickering out and the stars of the Milky Way are lighting up the night in patterns that have watched over Earth since the dawn of time. Gently, I secure my sleeping bride in my arms and rise slowly so as not to wake. The soft padding of feet on the study floor note my passing as I carry my wife out into the hall and back to bed as I have done on countless summer nights.

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Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
I don't know the best genre for this, but it needs to get the ideas working since it since like very straightforward romance and needs a more clever way to plot. It's a decent start. However it is not introduced enough in this excerpt in my own opinion.
 

allenasm

Senior Member
thanks for the feedback. It was a dream I had and I wrote it after waking up in the middle of the night. My writing is from my heart more than anything so its not as good as people with a purpose. :)
 

escorial

WF Veterans
i enjoyed the dramatic approach.....nice to read when an attempt to show inner feelings are set out for all to read...
 

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