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a little smthn (1 Viewer)

necrow

Member
poetry about no one in particular, dont mind criticism


when i take you to the place that i wish for you to see,


you'll see the rolling green hills comfortably sitting underneath the warm evening sky,


with fencelines dotting off into the horizon,


you might say,


hey, this looks like the place, should we stop here?


and i'll say,


not quite, it's further along than this.


and we'll go on,


i hope,


and see the mountains jutting above the scraggy spikes,


with wildflowers blooming quietly above the roofs of the little town,


and a woman singing to no one in particular beside the shallow creek in the time before dawn,


and maybe you'll say,


this is it, the place, no?


but i'll say,


a little farther yet.


and we'll go on,


and you'll see the spring of the river rushing swiftly in the clearing, surrounded by sprouting spruces,


and you'll look back, and see the river running downwards downhill, behind, below, to places been,


and you'll say,


isn't that it? the place?


and all i will be able to say is,


take a seat in the clearing by the spring, and try not to focus on where the river flows.


rest, take as long as you need,


as we have a while to go yet,






and i cant go without you
 
poetry about no one in particular, dont mind criticism


when i take you to the place that i wish for you to see,


you'll see the rolling green hills comfortably sitting underneath the warm evening sky,


with fencelines dotting off into the horizon,


you might say,


hey, this looks like the place, should we stop here?


and i'll say,


not quite, it's further along than this.


and we'll go on,


i hope,


and see the mountains jutting above the scraggy spikes,


with wildflowers blooming quietly above the roofs of the little town,


and a woman singing to no one in particular beside the shallow creek in the time before dawn,


and maybe you'll say,


this is it, the place, no?


but i'll say,


a little farther yet.


and we'll go on,


and you'll see the spring of the river rushing swiftly in the clearing, surrounded by sprouting spruces,


and you'll look back, and see the river running downwards downhill, behind, below, to places been,


and you'll say,


isn't that it? the place?


and all i will be able to say is,


take a seat in the clearing by the spring, and try not to focus on where the river flows.


rest, take as long as you need,


as we have a while to go yet,






and i cant go without you

I think this is so sweet. I really like this. thank you for sharing!
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Like happy I think this is a really sweet piece. I think what you do well is really invite the reader into the moment. For me, I would say that I think this could be strengthened by changing the structure, some of the longer lines could be cut into two and I would suggest playing with stanzas or even couplets.

Cheers

Syd
 

Foxee

Patron
Patron
I really love this. The beauty of the journey together and the tiny ongoing conversation. It's gentle and inviting, really easy to like.

I'm not a great technician of poetry but as you work with this once you've got some critique, just don't lose those great things about it. (Or rather, if you do lose them for a time in the creative process, try to bring them back!)
 
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