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A good woman. (1 Viewer)

Lyn

Member
Oh, how she knows her worth.
She is the ideal of a romantic.
Just at my fingertips which I can’t quite grasp.

She sounds so good when i utter her name out of my mouth, their eyes brighten up with hope.
She’s high maintenance.
She’ll stand by your side and support you while you achieve your goals and dreams.
She’ll help you regain your health.
She’ll introduce you to many open doors.
She’ll remove you from your rut.
She’ll make you face your mistakes but I assure you she’s routing for your best.
You’ll absolutely have to fight for her.
Although a break sounds calming but let’s be real, you can’t function without her.
All she really asks is you stay consistent, committed, willing to fight your demons.
The kids miss you so much,
I hear them crying at night, asking for you.

I’ve lost sight of you.
You took my health with you.
You took my peace with you.
You took my family with you.
You took my love with you.
You took who I am with you.



I have nothing left.


I really don’t know how to begin to start looking.
I miss you.


My sobriety,




Come back to me.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

For me I would work on the structure as I feel that the longer lineation towards the middle section of the piece feels a little jarring and arbitrary. Fundamentally I would also try remove any mention of “I” from the piece until at least the very end, because that would reader a stronger sense of distinction between the speaker and the speaker when sober if you get what I mean?

Looking forward to see where you go with this.

Cheers


Syd
 

Pulse

Honoured/Sadly Missed
Lyn

Your first line implies she is selling herself, in spite of the 'good' in the title tht you reinforce throughout the poem.

I was puzzled until I reached the last line, which is brilliant.
 

River Rose

Senior Member
Oh, how she knows her worth.
She is the ideal of a romantic.
Just at my fingertips which I can’t quite grasp.

She sounds so good when i utter her name out of my mouth, their eyes brighten up with hope.
She’s high maintenance.
She’ll stand by your side and support you while you achieve your goals and dreams.
She’ll help you regain your health.
She’ll introduce you to many open doors.
She’ll remove you from your rut.
She’ll make you face your mistakes but I assure you she’s routing for your best.
You’ll absolutely have to fight for her.
Although a break sounds calming but let’s be real, you can’t function without her.
All she really asks is you stay consistent, committed, willing to fight your demons.
The kids miss you so much,
I hear them crying at night, asking for you.

I’ve lost sight of you.
You took my health with you.
You took my peace with you.
You took my family with you.
You took my love with you.
You took who I am with you.



I have nothing left.


I really don’t know how to begin to start looking.
I miss you.


My sobriety,




Come back to me.

I don’t give a rats ass about “proper writing”. I honestly know nothing about it. I just feel. Put what I feel into words.
And this,,,is incredible. It’s powerful. I feel every word of this poem when the end hits and u read the final lines. Breathtaking.
 

Gofa

Friends of WF
this is a poem of true power and viscerally communicates

well done you to have lived this and survived to tell that tale to others

Speaking, where it is of power, is uttered from the mouth Its basically biblical
uttered into this world

as to how as you ask
one day at a time
thank you for sharing your world your walk with me Im more than slightly in awe

PS the spacing is good too
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Hi there!
Absolutely love pieces where I did not expect the ending and then i'm forced to re-read the whole thing again from a new perspective. Very creative. Thank you for sharing.

-Annie
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I also feel like some middle lines can be taken out while the lines left can be combined with others to make stronger sentences.
Sometimes less wording can illicit stronger emotions from the reader.
 
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