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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Plandemic Away (Clean Jokes Only Please) (1 Viewer)

Aquarius

Financial Patron
Alligators in the Pool

A CEO, Chief Executive Officer, is throwing a party and takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion, at the back of which is the largest swimming pool his visitors have ever seen. To their amazement, it is filled with hungry looking alligators.

The host says to his guests: ‘In my view, executives should be measured by the degree of their courage. That’s what once made me into a CEO. My challenge is if any one of you has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators and make it to the other side, I will give them anything they desire - my job, my money, my house, anything!’

Everyone laughs at this outrageous offer and follows the CEO on the tour of his estate. Suddenly, a loud splash can be heard. Everyone turns round and sees the CFO, the Chief Financial Officer, in the pool. Swimming for his life, he dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool. Just as he is pulling himself out of the water, one of the creatures snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says: ‘You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and you may now have anything I own. Tell me what I can do for you and it will be done.’

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says: ‘Just one thing, that’s all. Tell me who the hell pushed me into the pool!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius

Financial Patron
Public Notice
Please note that due to unforeseen circumstances
this evening’s meeting of clairvoyance has been cancelled.
The Organising Committee
With love and light,
Aquarius
* * *
 

bazz cargo

Retired Supervisor
Now that the country is unlocking, I took my wife to a local zoo for a day out. All it had was a small dog on display. It was a Shih Tzu.
 

Aquarius

Financial Patron
The Art Collector

A New York attorney represented a wealthy art collector. One day he phoned his client and said: ‘Saul, I have some good and some bad news for you.’

The art collector replied: ‘As I’ve had a pretty lousy day, Jack, let’s hear the good news first.’

‘Okay,’ replied the lawyer. ‘I met your wife today and she told me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million. I believe she could be right.’

Saul’s enthusiastic response was: ‘I always knew my wife was a good business woman. You’ve just made my day, so let’s have the bad news. What is it?’

The lawyer replied: ‘Well, how can I put this? The pictures are of you and your secretary.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius

Financial Patron
Understanding Engineers

1)
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said: ‘Where did you get such a great bike?’

The other one replied: ‘Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman came riding on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: ‘Take what you want.’

Nodding approvingly, the first student responded with: ‘Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.’

2)
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3)
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed: ‘What’s the matter with those chaps? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’

The doctor chimed in: ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept players!’

The priest remarked: ‘Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’ And turning to him, he said: ‘Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

‘Oh, yes,’ the green-keeper replied. ‘That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play free of charge at any time.’

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said: ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The doctor said: ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’

And the engineer added to that: ‘Why don’t they play at night?’

4)
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Sad, but true!

5)
A graduate with a science degree asks: ‘Why does it work?’

A person with an engineering degree asks: ‘How does it work?’

Yet another one who has an accounting degree asks: ‘How much does it cost?’

6)
Three engineering students were discussing who might have designed the human body. The first one said: ‘It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.’

The second one replied: ‘No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands electrical connections.’

‘Ah,’ the third one suggested after a moment’s pause: ‘I think it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?’

7)
Ordinary folks think that if something isn’t broken one doesn’t fix it.

Engineers, however, believe that if something isn’t broken, it may not yet have enough features.

8)
One day an engineer was crossing a road, when a frog called out to him: ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.’

Bending over, the man picked up the frog and without saying a word put it in his pocket. The frog cried: ‘If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.’

The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked the frog. I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’

‘Look here,’ replied the man, ‘I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that’s really cool. I’m going to keep you.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius

Financial Patron
Notes Left In Milk Bottles

From the days when there was still door-to-door milk delivery.
After reading these it’s not hard to see why this service just had to die a natural death.​

Dear Mr. Milkman,

• I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.

• Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

• Cancel one pint after the day after today.

• Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

• Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

• Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

• Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

• Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

• Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

• When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me, because I want you to give me a hand with turning the mattress.

• Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

• My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle myself?

• Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

• Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

• Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

• From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.

• My back door is open. Please put milk in the fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because I want to play bingo tonight.

• Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

• When you leave the milk please put coal on the boiler, let the dog out and put the newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.

• No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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indianroads

Staff member
Board Moderator
I sadly admit that this joke worked on me.

I was about 19 years old, working at a microwave communication company as a junior designer. A common practice when designing something that incorporated a mechanical part, was to go to the stock room and get a sample.
One morning my boss asked me to get a fallopian tube... the stock room manager had a long laugh at my expense.
 

Mark Twain't

Senior Member
Two Scotsmen go to Hell. A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"
The devil says "Glaswegians? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later.
But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.
"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"
The Glaswegians looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreich like Scotland, you know that way?
Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.
So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and Buckfast tonic wine.
Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd've done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always shite in Glesga. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"
"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that.
So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.
The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.
But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering "Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!"
The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?
One of the Glaswegians turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!"
 

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