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A Change of Seasons (1 Viewer)

Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
I like it. I think you could cut the second to last line and give it more punch. Nice! :)
 

FrancisD

Senior Member
It’s when the leaves
have taken a break
from proving their beauty
that the breeze pushes their stories
into open air
It spreads them out into the sky
silently patterning them
painting a wider perspective.

Delicate and evocative. Not sure the last three lines are as sweet as the preceding ones.
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
It’s when the leaves
have taken a break
from proving their beauty
that the breeze pushes their stories
into open air
It spreads them out into the sky - spreads them out into the sky (maybe give the sky a colour?)
silently patterning them – silently patterns them
painting a wider perspective. – paints a wide perspective


just a thought on those last 3 lines (and I hope you don't mind), but again, like the other work of yours I have read, there is an emotional current that is easily accessible. thank you for the read.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
It’s when the leaves
have taken a break
from proving their beauty
that the breeze pushes their stories
into open air
It spreads them out into the sky
silently patterning them
painting a wider perspective.

Such a beautiful imagery. I feel you have ability to write about too many emotions and feelings under the thought string " Change of Seasons". You are really writing great.

Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like this a lot, I think it might benefit from tapering it a little further, I’ve left a few suggestions below for you

Cheers

Syd



It’s when the leaves
have taken a break
from proving their beauty
that the breeze pushes their stories
into open air
It spreads them out into the sky
silently patterning them
painting a wider perspective.
 

Mickeyq

Member
Really enjoyed it, it paints a picture very clearly. I especially like the idea of leaves 'proving their beauty', I always imagined that leaves in autumn especially would be very vain about how they looked.

The phrasing, subject matter and structure also kind of reminds of Japan for some reason. I've never actually been to Japan so it's difficult to explain why.

I agree with the the other comments that there could be some trimming but I know it's always easier to say this about other people's work than your own.

Personally I think you could remove lines 5 and 7 to make it a little more punchy, I think that the piece still works really well without them.
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
just a thought on those last 3 lines (and I hope you don't mind), but again, like the other work of yours I have read, there is an emotional current that is easily accessible. thank you for the read.

I don't mind at all. Thank you so much for your edits, I really appreciate it.
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Really enjoyed it, it paints a picture very clearly. I especially like the idea of leaves 'proving their beauty', I always imagined that leaves in autumn especially would be very vain about how they looked.

The phrasing, subject matter and structure also kind of reminds of Japan for some reason. I've never actually been to Japan so it's difficult to explain why.

I agree with the the other comments that there could be some trimming but I know it's always easier to say this about other people's work than your own.

Personally I think you could remove lines 5 and 7 to make it a little more punchy, I think that the piece still works really well without them.


I like when people tell me what my poem reminds them of, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Thank you for your suggestions, I really appreciate it.
 
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