Silence of an Indrawn Breath


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Thread: Silence of an Indrawn Breath

  1. #1
    Patron Foxee's Avatar
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    Silence of an Indrawn Breath

    There is a certain quiet
    of play and all is well
    in that breathless instant
    when he tripped and fell

    Explorers feet so tiny
    head an awkward weight
    balance so uncertain
    bravely testing fate

    Then disaster takes him
    the footstool it resounds
    his head has hit against it
    with a knocking sound

    One heartbeat, two thud by
    building stormy gales
    then the silence broken
    by I need Mommy wails.
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  2. #2
    Brings up the image of a baby learning how to walk. The "'I need Mommy' wails" made me chuckle.

    Keep poeming...yea...I said it...poeming.

  3. #3
    nice Foxee. enjoy this, soon they'll be teenagers!
    The second stanza reads beautifully.
    cheers
    J.R.

  4. #4
    I love piece!! There aren't enough poems about kids, I don't think. This was just great, I loved it. (And I definately know all too well that the calm usually precedes the head crack!)
    Last edited by Angelica; November 28th, 2006 at 02:29 AM.

  5. #5
    Patron Foxee's Avatar
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    Immortal: Thanks! I'm glad the image came accross. More 'poeming' it shall be, then.

    J.R.: Thanks for the feedback. I am in terror of them becoming teenagers. LOL!

    Angie: I think you're right about there not being enough poems about children. Which is suprising considering what wells of inspiration the guys/gals can be.
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  6. #6
    To be honest, the ryhming seemed to be kinda flowless, but that just might just be me. Anywho, really great poem, nonetheless!

    *poeming is power*
    Go to the lexicon you sluggard, if you will. ~Cedric Bixler Zavala

  7. #7
    Patron Foxee's Avatar
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    Thanks Armory Warrior... as I've noted before I'm not really a poet (this is me faking it) but I'd like to learn what I don't know. So if you have any suggestions as to how this could flow better I'd appreciate your input. I'm glad you enjoyed the overall subject. Thanks for replying!
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  8. #8
    Your way with words shines through in this one! As J.R. wrote the second stanza is great! Quite true, a subject matter that isn't poetically explored enough ...run with it! What a muse ...

    Enjoyed the read.


  9. #9
    do you need that first stanza - seems far more telly than the rest of the poem - otherwise well done.

  10. #10
    Patron Foxee's Avatar
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    Walrus: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think I need to check a book on writing poetry out of the library.

    Dannyboy: Thanks! You know, rereading it I have to agree...the rest of the poem covers the same ground as the first stanza so I'd feel comfortable losing it. I do this in prose, too... often do a first draft then cut much of the beginning (first paragraph or whole first page sometimes). Thank you for reading this and giving me feedback, DB.
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